Selfishly Seeking Satisfaction

One thing that drives me crazy about food addiction is that I am never satisfied by the things I crave most. If I decide to "treat" myself with ice cream, one bowl is never enough. The same goes for cookies. Two is never enough. The more I eat, the more I want. Therefore treating myself only makes my craving worse. Also, the more I eat sweet snacks, the more I build up a tolerance for them. One day I can stop at 8 cookies. The next day I can eat twelve before I get sick. And don't get me started on food hangovers. They are real and also psychologically devastating.

The same cannot be said of exercise. Exercise is extremely rewarding. Not only do I enjoy exploring the world via walking or cycling, I am very satisfied when I complete my course. Maybe this is why weight loss guru's say "drop the snacks and go on a walk instead." The problem for me is, I never really stop thinking about food and wanting it, even when I’m exercising. Therefore even exercise is not truly satisfying, especially when a lot of it makes me hungrier!

Satisfaction is a real problem for me. In fact, I think it's part of the human condition. All of us want something and for the lack of it, we suffer. The single person wants a mate. The unemployed person wants money. The Californian wants water. Most of the time we get what we want only to realize it doesn't satisfy us the way we thought it would.

I had a conversation with my friend Janice today at work. She has lost over 200 pounds and by all accounts is a very happy person. Still, she said, "I always thought when I lost the weight it would solve all my problems. The trouble is, it only created new ones." Oh, Sister! Don't I know it? Losing weight is hard work but also very exciting work. The hope and expectation of fitting into that next smaller dress size is very motivating, but once it's gone, maintaining the weight loss can be grueling. Even worse, once you lose the weight, your metabolism slows down so you eat less permanently.

Aside from the physical trouble of maintaining permanent weight loss comes the social and psychological problems. Relationships change because so much of our culture is food oriented. People mean well when they say, "You should treat yourself" because they don't understand the addiction that made one heavy in the first place. Pressure from friends who are overweight increase due to jealousy and pressure from fit friends increase because they expect you to keep the weight off. It can feel like a no win situation. I have even feared for my career in the event I gain the weight back because people now expect me to stay in shape, as if I'm a robot and not a human being who still loves to eat. Therefore I am also trying to manage the expectations of others rather than focusing on who I am. In that respect, how could I ever possibly be satisfied if pleasing others becomes my main focus?

What's the answer?

Sacrificial living is spiritually fulfilling.

It seems trite to say I never regret encouraging and motivating others. When I take time out of my busy life to listen to a good friend who is going through a difficult time, I am extremely satisfied. It makes me feel full in my soul, even if I can't change their circumstances. I feel like it gives my life purpose. The same can be said for spending time with my children. Children are by nature very selfish creatures. They will ask and take and then say, "You don't love me at all!" Still, there is nothing more rewarding than getting my socks beat off playing a game of Rummy. Their exultation at having beaten their mother is my reward and it brings me great joy. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but putting others needs before my own is, for some reason, very gratifying.

There's a reason why it's call the great outdoors.

When my emotional bank account is running low, I fill it up by exploring nature. This morning I found great satisfaction by walking around my neighborhood. I chose to ignore the litter strewn street and see instead the crescent moon and iridescent stars. I enjoyed the waggle of my dogs butt(go ahead and laugh, my Boxer has a great butt!) and the persistent way he insisted we chase squirrels. Unfortunately for Tank, we did not chase any squirrels, but(pun intended) we did get a compliment from a Ferguson Police officer("That's a cute dog you have there!"). We also found the secret hiding place(i.e. speed trap) for a Calverton Park officer. Hint: do not speed down Elizabeth Avenue in Calverton Park at any time of day. I also exchanged quite a few hoots with an owl. It was delightful calling out into the darkness and knowing I was heard, if only by a fluffy, big eyed bird. It seems simple to say getting outside is rewarding, but it works for me.

It's like music to my ears!

I was having a particularly difficult day earlier this week and my friend Natalie sent me some music via Spotify from a group called "All Sons & Daughters." She said, "They feed my soul." Yep! Good tunes are a healing balm to the sore heart ---oh, and yes, very satisfying!

Today I resolve that when I am feeling less than satisfied I shall pursue the three options listed above in no particular order. In fact, maybe I should have them tattooed on my forehead backwards so that when I look in the mirror it will be impossible to forget them. If I am to live out my life with purpose, I should never stop striving to improve it. If I improve myself, I will be more able to feed into the lives of others. Notice I do not say live my life the way others want me to. Don't do that! But if life is precious—and I believe that it is—I must do everything in my power to deny the selfish impulse to spend my fleeting moments in the pursuit of self-gratification. Or in the words of a wise man… chasing after the wind.

"And whatever my eyes desired I did not keep from them. I kept my heart from no pleasure, for my heart found pleasure in all my toil, and this was my reward for all my toil. 11 Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I had expended in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the sun." –Ecclesiastes 2:10-11

A Heart Full of Grace

"There is a day that all creation's waiting for, a day of freedom and liberation for the earth." Lou Fellingham

Sometimes our hearts cry out for relief and do not find solace. Injustice abounds and our foundations crumble. Death attacks. Sickness prevails. Pain swells and crushes in the most devastating ways. Friends abandon us in our grief. We lick our wounds as they become infected and long for a kind word to heal our broken hearts. If we are lucky, a friend listens and does not try to provide a solution. The kindest action they take is to offer a shoulder for our tears.

For those of you who live wonderful, happy lives, I truly celebrate your innocence. Maybe you don't know how it feels to experience loss, but the majority of us live in a world full of sadness and struggle. The headline suddenly becomes about us and not a stranger. We are peppered with questions while we struggle to respond because we are still sorting through our feelings. This is all the more prescient to me this week as it was announced that a co-worker's sister was the victim of a murder suicide. What comfort is there when our beloved is taken from us in such a violent way?

Pastors walk these uncharted waters daily. They navigate channels littered with skeletons and landmines. They carry the burdens, salve the wounds, and then try to go to sleep at night with knowledge of the unholy. The rest of us fumble and stretch our brains trying to cope. And when the words won't come, we groan.

This week I am thinking about my old pastor, Dave. He spoke into my life at a time when I thought my world was ending. In fact, life as I knew it did end. I reached the death of who I was and became who I am now. My how my life has changed! This refining by fire was necessary because it forced me to lean on a God I will never fully understand or comprehend. He proved himself faithful even when I was faithless.

Often times we search for the answers we want to hear and reject the path before us. We are like my dog, Tank, straining at the leash, flopping, flailing and trying to break free because we do not want to go that way. The train is too big, too loud, and too close. We feel we cannot safely walk beneath it. But God gently leads us under the trestle because He knows it is safe. He sees the bridge over the creek where we will find relief. He gently urges us forward and is careful not to trip over our wobbly legs. He takes our "I can't" and says, kindly, "Try."

If I look at my circumstances I get lost in the enormity of my struggles. There are all these problems I can't solve, situations I have no control over, and people I love who I can't heal. I look at myself and realize, "I'm just a girl, living on a broken planet, with other broken people. What can I do?" I look at my sweet and beautiful grandmother, broken with arthritis, Parkinson's disease and well advanced in years. But I remember her strong arms around me when I was a child. I remember being tired and fearful but safe as she held me to her heart. I remember blackberry stained hands, and an indomitable spirit that laughed so easily. She told me recently, "I've lived a good and happy life." Ruby has enriched my life with joy and gladness. She has taught me to live my life in such a way that I too enrich the lives of others with kindness.

Today if you are hurting, rest easy. Take heart. Rest your cheek on a friend's shoulder. If you are a follower of Jesus, turn your eyes to Him and ask for help.

"He stands fast as your rock, steadfast as your safeguard, sleepless as your watcher, valiant as your champion." - Charles H. Spurgeon.

And then go for a walk! Experience the beauty of nature. Step away from your sorrow if you can and set your eyes on the heavens.

Last night I found myself in Pershall Park again. It is my new place of refuge and relief. I sat on a bench and stared at the brilliant blue sky and fluffy white clouds. Birch trees swayed over the path, and we snuck a peek at the apple trees laden with fruit. It is my new place of peace. I listened to my children laughing as they played. I watched them run.

We have an opportunity to set our eyes on what is true. We can choose to look away from our sorrows and see beauty. In the midst of pain and suffering we can instead fix our gazes on the babbling brook, the smiling dog, and the scribbled hearts of a five year old on a scrap of paper given in love. In such choices we find our pain lessened, our hearts soothed and our minds eased. And we learn grace is not just an adjective, but a verb.

Labor (Free) Day

I have been off work for the past 5 days. I took some vacation time with the sole intent of doing something wonderfully relaxing. I had big plans...fishing by myself and catching a big bass, swinging on the porch and enjoying a cool breeze, splashing in a creek. I had been looking forward to my little vacation with great relish! But as it is with life, things don't always go as planned. I won't go into detail because that would make it sound worse than it really was, but instead of catching crawdads, I ended up running around town to doctors offices, meeting with school nurses and pouting over a pile of tomatoes.

Pouting over tomatoes, you ask? Yes. Silly, isn't it? But we have so many tomatoes this year I have been giving them away. Still, we planted them with the hope that we could make marinara sauce. Unfortunately, it takes a lot of time, something I do not always have in abundance. With my hopes for frog catching shattered by mom duty, I surveyed the bags of tomatoes and decided I may as well stand at my kitchen sink for a day and make sauce. Boo hoo.

But isn't that how it is with dashed expectations? We have this idea of bliss that gets drowned with a dollop of reality. So I made my sauce, and I made bread and I tried not to cry over the fact that I wasn't squishing my toes in riverbed gravel.

My obligations as a parent require a great deal of sacrifice. Running children hither and thither make it nearly impossible to do anything substantial for myself. I'm not crabbing about it. That's just the way life is. So when I collapsed into bed at 8:45pm on Saturday evening, exhausted beyond words, I felt a little depressed. I must really be old! No boot-scootin'-boogie for me. No rally-round-the-camp-fire. Just muscle-aching-weariness. And disappointment. Let's not forget that.

So when the sun came up Sunday morning I seized the opportunity of a new day to do something just for me. I aired up my bicycle tires, grabbed a thermos full of water and hit the streets! The air was cool and utterly refreshing. I had my earplugs in and Switchfoot on shuffle. I pedaled like a crazy woman and stood up to fly down hills. I realize this lumpy middle-aged body looks a little goofy but I don't care! I was just so happy for a little bit of "me" time. Riding my bicycle makes me feel like I am 10 years old again--coasting down a hill--and pretending to be a bird. It just makes me so happy! I spent two hours thanking God for blue skies, fluffy white clouds and mist rising off freshly mowed fields. Even though I couldn't be in the country like I wanted to, I found a bit of country on Missouri Bottom Road to ride through and it was glorious!

I took my children to church and enjoyed worship. After the service I saw a friend who warmed my heart(Katie!) and was given a gift that both thrilled and encouraged me. Grace upon grace showered down onto me in such a way that I forgot all about my disappointment in not exploring the woods. We made a little trip to Columbia Bottom Conservation area to see the muddy Mississippi and ate at our favorite Mexican restaurant(Tequila in St. Peters). Then we enjoyed Fritz's Frozen custard. I didn't eat any but derived so much pleasure from watching my family enjoy theirs. I wish I would have video taped my youngest beastlet slurping his chocolate cone. It is a precious memory and the very definition of joy.

Today is Monday. It is a day of rest and reflection. It is a day to celebrate the joys in life that cannot be measured by money or time or location. If we can find a way to be happy even in the midst of disappointment; if we can learn to celebrate when ash rains around our ears and hives punctuate our weary flesh, I believe we will lead fuller, more satisfied lives. It's not always easy, and it's not always comfortable, but it's my life. It is unique and beautiful and wonderful in ways I can't put into words. Today I am grateful for a paid day off work--a labor free day. And it is glorious!