Stormy Seas and the Anchor that Holds True

"Now I wonder if I'm really stout-hearted enough. 'Cause my riggin' is tattered and these waters are rough." - Andrew Peterson

I haven't been posting much because I have been going through significant change in my life. Big change is never easy and I'll admit I have been very busy. I'm busy physically, mentally and emotionally. My brain whirs like a top, spinning from one situation to the next as I attempt to solve problems that don't have easy solutions. I haven't taken time to slow down and really process the way I need to because there hasn't been time. So I do what I do best--I keep moving, keep striving, and keep hoping the wind and waves will settle down soon.

But the blows keep coming and this morning I woke at 3:30am with my heart pounding and my thoughts skipping like a broken record. I took some deep breaths but it didn't help. I prayed. Nothing. My heart kept racing and my body refused to rest. So I got up and took a hot bath. I thought, "hot water will relax me." Nope. My heart sped up, even as I did everything physically possible to calm myself. Then I started to pray because that's who I am. When I get really lost in life I just cry out to my God. This may sound crazy for some, but God is very real to me. And then I started to cry.

I cried because I am sad at letting go of things that have mattered to me. I am losing something I love and clinging to the unknown. Home and place have taken on a new meaning. I am spacially disrupted and unhinged from comforts long afforded me. It's humbling, humiliating and terrifying all at the same time. I'm not sure which way my circumstances will take me and I grieve what once was. If I sound a little vague, that's okay. This is the internet and I don't need to share all my intimate secrets. But for anyone who has ever encountered big life changes, I'm sure you understand or can relate in some way.

I believe the reason for this anxiety-induced insomnia is because of another great blow that was dealt me yesterday. Just one more wave in a choppy sea of encroaching deadlines. Last night I found myself standing in an empty basement while holding a flashlight and praying like crazy I wasn't hanging my hopes on all the wrong things. Alas, I was.

This morning I come to the end of myself. I come to the end of my hopes and dreams. I come to realize there are some things in life we simply have no control over. For someone who tries so hard to control the little details with such precision, this can be a very daunting dilemma. Maybe that is why yesterday, when a good friend said to me, "maybe you won't get that thing you really want, and if you don't, that's okay," I flinched. Actually, I flailed. I balled my fists and screamed internally, "I have to have it! Don't you understand?! I can't imagine what my life will look like if I don't!" This morning I realize I've been hanging my hat, so to speak, on the wrong peg.

I often cling too tightly to the wrong things. I grab food when I should go hungry. I exercise when I need to rest. Like my dog Tank, I run and run and run, but eventually I have to realize I can't run from myself or my problems. Today is a day when I face them head on. And there are tears--so many tears.

I have to let this thing go and trust that my anchor will hold even if the masts split and fall into the water. I have to trust that though everything be lost--I will not. I am safe and secure in the arms of someone greater than myself, even if my heart is racing and my body is broken and battered. I have to let go and trust that God will provide even if it is not the way I want him to. He knows my needs better than I. But oh, I am so scared!

If you are walking an uncertain path today, know that you are not alone. If you feel you have no hope, know that is not true. Right now I feel much like a juggler with all my balls hanging in the air and I just dropped the flaming stick on my foot. It's hot and it hurts. I may get burned. But I know from past experience that burns heal. Sorrow passes. Joy comes in the morning. I bear many scars on my heart but I know an excellent healer. He is my anchor, my shield, my defender. And I trust Him to guide me through this stormy sea. If you let him, He will lead you too.