This retreat marked a milestone in my journey to better health. I went to my very first women's retreat exactly 3 years ago. I had decided to change my life and arrived at the retreat only to come face to face with all my demons. Food, food and more food. Pretty food. Sweet food. Salty food. If it was food, it was there. Needless to say I was miserable. I spent much of that first retreat hiding in my room so that no one could see me cry. While there I met a beautiful lady named Maggie who was so kind and caring and helped me to realize I wasn't alone in my suffering. Maggie was there this year too. She mentioned that she felt a little awkward. Boy, could I relate.
There is something strange about being in a large crowd of women. I think this is because women are so often self-conscious. We are guilty of comparing our lives to others, much to our detriment. One woman confided in me that she struggles with feelings of inferiority much as she did in high school. She said to me point blank, "I'm 30+ years old. Why do I still struggle with feeling like I'm not good enough? I feel like I don't fit in."
Maybe our brainwaves short circuit a little bit in the presence of so much estrogen, but I too was tempted to compare myself to others as I watched my friends eat chocolate, cookies and other amazing treats. They all looked like they were size 2 and never struggled with food a day in their lives. I wanted to scream, "It's not fair!" But screaming has never really been an effective way to get rid of such feelings so I abstained. Instead, I took time to be alone and focus not on others but on myself and my own heart.
Food has always been an idol for me. It's one of those things I just can't get away from. And it's not fair, really, that I can't eat whatever I want and not gain weight. But food is not really the problem. My heart is the problem. My wicked, selfish, greedy heart desires food above all else. In my flesh I am capable of setting aside reason to worship at the altar of food. And for a while I would be content except that greed is an empty pursuit and has never brought me any happiness. No matter how much I filled my belly I didn't fill my heart. The only thing capable of filling my heart fully is Jesus. He is the one that really satisfies. (Not Snickers)
While at the Women's retreat this year I stood in the kitchen and admired all of the beautiful food that had been so lovingly prepared by many of the women attending. I realized it wasn't fair to resent anyone for enjoying it. The biscotti was so pretty and the cookies smelled so divine that I made a decision not to hate them, but rather to enjoy their presence as they nourished my friends. After all, food is not my enemy. It was wonderful to be there and not compare myself to others, to enjoy the atmosphere for what it was and spend time fellowshipping with my sisters-in-Christ who share my affliction of living in a fallen world. I did not eat anything with sugar in it AND I was happy. Who says God isn't still in the business of making miracles?
I am so thankful for that moment in time though it was not quite 24 hours of respite from my hectic life. And of course I arrived home to baseball games, the rush of making dinner and piles of dirty laundry. It was all waiting for me. But for a moment I stepped outside of my life and joined hands with others like me who struggle and flail and sometimes fall. They don't all struggle with food addiction but there was no question of fitting in for me. I heard many others echo my own feelings of inferiority, depression and despair. And while my estrogen may come from a patch since I no longer have ovaries, but I am mother, sister, daughter, and friend to many women. And I did not once retreat to my room to hide from that. Instead I found joy in embracing it.
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