I have frequently written about my journey to better health. I have discussed the many things I do to stay on track and how I get back on track when I fall off the rails. But a recent conversation with a co-worker recently reminded me just how far I've come. Shelly explained to me that she is planning a trip to the ocean in a month. She told me how embarrassed she is of her body and how she has gained weight over the past few years. She said she is thinking about trying to lose a few pounds before the trip because she would be too embarrassed to show her swimsuit clad body on the beach in its current state. She told me all these things with a casual flip of her wrist, as if it was more a wish than a plan. She ended with a slight chuckle and a shrug of her shoulders. As if she needed to make light of her body image to somehow come to grips with it.
I thought a lot about her comments after I went back to my desk. I don't consider Shelly overweight. She is a sparkly, bubbly, beautiful woman with a heart as bright and shiny as a new copper penny. And yet it is obvious she can't see that. For some reason she has convinced herself that she is not worth looking at. She even has it set in her mind that if the right numbers don't pop up on the contraption on her bathroom floor she is somehow less than a person. But I would venture to guess that she is the only person who thinks that about herself.
Oh the lies we believe about ourselves. That is what I thought when she was talking. Because much of what she said was achingly familiar.
Why do we think that we are less valuable as human beings because we don't look a certain way? Does the shape of our nose determine our character? Does the number of holes in our belt define our personality? Why do we put so much emphasis on our bodies when the true nature of who we are is invisible to the naked eye?
And yet when I was heavy I felt very poorly about myself. I bought into the lie that I was less than a person because I was obese. I lost years of my life feeling ugly to what purpose? I was so worried about what people thought about me that I lost myself. What a waste of time and energy that was!
I wanted to tell Shelly a lot of things in that moment. I wanted to tell her she is beautiful and lovely and important. I wanted to tell her that as long as she is happy it doesn't matter what she looks like in a swimming suit. She has a successful career and is well respected at work. Does the fact that she is a few pounds overweight really matter in the grand scheme of things? Heck, no! :)
Instead I said, "The last time I was at a beach in Florida there were a lot of old people. And they don't care what you look like."
Oy.
There is something to be said about good health. When I eat right and exercise I feel really good. My mind is clear and I am able to more fully understand my place in this world. Losing weight was revolutionary for me. It made me respect myself. I find peace of mind while walking up a flight of stairs that would hitherto have been impossible for me. I took control of my "out of control" life. And I won't lie, it feels great. I am certain there are people in this world who still consider me overweight. I'm lumpy in places I wish were flat and flat in places I wish were more plump. But I can honestly say I am content with my body and with my life. I am certain that taking good care of my body improves my overall sense of self but just because I am smaller doesn't mean I am a fundamentally different person. I still get sad. And I have the capacity for wickedness. My size has nothing to do with it.
Yesterday I made a pretty big mistake at work. I had to tell my boss this morning and it was utterly humiliating. When the realization of what I had done sank in, I took refuge in the cube of a friend. She took great care to soothe my worried spirit and breathe life back into my soul. This friend is one of the most giving, gentle and loving people I know. She makes an effort to show kindness to everyone she meets and has had a great impact on my life. She too struggles with body image but I don't see her body. All I see is her beautiful heart.
Eleanor Roosevelt famously said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
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