Stupid is as Stupid Does

Sometimes I am a real idiot. There, I've said it. I might have the best intentions in the world but my mouth runs away and I trip over my words and before I know it, people are crying. And I think, "That is not what I meant to say" and "Can I have a do-over?" And my only real option is to crawl back under the rock I crawled out from under in the first place.

Mistakes make us human. If we're lucky, we recognize our mistakes and learn from them. Making a mistake doesn't make us stupid. We're only stupid if we keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

Today I am experiencing a terrible case of regret and all I can do is move forward. In one case I used poor judgment. In the other, I didn't measure my words well. And I feel low enough to eat a gallon of ice cream. But ice cream will not fix my problems. So I ate cookies instead.

And if that doesn't make me stupid, I don't know what does!

Indulge in Guilty Pleasures

There are so many things in this world that are bad for you, and plenty of people eager to lecture you about them. From GMO's to CFO's, it seems we can't escape the madness. The only way to truly be safe is to build a bunker, line it with asbestos free insulation, and live there with no outside contact with the world. With my luck, however, it would probably leak and I would contract foot fungus.

There are times in life when you have to chuck logic out the window and just indulge in your guilty pleasure. Last night I was feeling a little sorry for myself. It's one thing I truly excel at. My cranky hip is giving me grief so I was forced(oh the horror) to stop what I was doing and take a 20 minute Epsom Salt bath to relieve the pain. I realize this sounds like a luxury to a lot of women but stopping my evening routines to sit still is torturous to perpetual movers like me.

I picked out about 20 minutes worth of music on my Samsung Galaxy III phone(shameless plus) and leaned back to let the relief begin. I climbed from the tub about 25 minutes later and my husband said, "Juice Newton? Really?" You see, I had been caterwauling 'Queen of Hearts' about 10 minutes too long for him.

Juice Newton? Why not. I mean, she's corny, catchy, and fills me with nostalgia. She wrote one of the greatest love/pain songs of all time back in the 80's and it has stuck with me ever since. In fact, I cannot play a game of cards without singing that song every single time I see a queen of hearts, much to the chagrin of my middle son, who is completely addicted to all things cards. As far as guilty pleasures go, she has fewer calories than a bag of M&Ms, won't fry my brain, like a narcotic, and she's a "natural" mood enhancer that won't cause caffeine withdrawals. In fact, now that I think about it, the only guilt I experience when rockin' out to her grooves is the erroneous objections of my family. Juice Newton = BLISS!

So, my inspirational advice for today is, if you have been eating too much ice cream(don't scream at your son when he asks for it just because you know you can't give him some and not eat it yourself) and want a good alternative, find your favorite jam and jam to your heart's content. (Side effects may include eye rolling from spouse and children and endless teasing from friends but these effects are temporary and will subside within a few days)

Wake up and Smell the Cow Patties

We made a trip to the country on Saturday to visit my grandparents on the farm. It was a beautiful day. We got to pick blackberries(I made a cobbler) and we got to see cows, and I even caught a teeny, tiny fish in the river. I had a wonderful visit with my grandparents and learned how to play "Crazy 8's." Then I had to come home. To the stinky city. To my small weed infested yard and a pile of bills.

When I grow up I want to live in the country. I want to eat fresh fried catfish and wade through weeds and get chiggers. Well, maybe not chiggers. But it is a simpler life out in the country. Time just slogs by, like a stick floating in the current.

I could go on and on dreaming but the truth is, country living is also hard living. My grandparents are getting up there in years and are struggling to keep everything going. Caring for cattle is hard work and they've lost several head this year. My aunt and uncle do their best to put up hay and take care of the monstrous black angus moo cows and I bet if I asked them, they would say there is nothing slow or easy about it.

My point is this, the grass always looks greener on the other side. Visiting the country is nice. It's a cool day trip where I get to hang out at the river and soak up the sunshine. But actually maintaining a farm is not easy. I've often heard my grandma say what hard work it is and she is not lazy! My fondest memories are her berry stained hands rolling out dough for a pie or cobbler. And I don't remember her sitting down much, well maybe to core and peel pears for canning. I have so many sweet memories that I let nostalgia sweep me away and forget about the cow patties. We discovered this on the way to the river. We began walking down the pretty, white sandy path only to be knocked over by the smell of digested hay, recently passed through the gastrointestinal tract of several cows. Fun times!

It would be easy to grumble and groan about my city life. And it's true, some days I do grumble about it. But focusing on what I don't have(a farm) won't make me happy. I need to be content with what I have. And I do have many wonderful blessings. I don't need to list them here. I know what they are.

Well, I'll list one. This morning when I got up for my walk I saw a large barn owl sitting on the wire outside my neighbors house. I stopped next to it and looked up at its majestic face. It looked down at me and regarded me for a few minutes while I watched in awe. Then it gazed into the distance and forgot about me. It was the single most wonderful thing I have experienced all year. Yes, even better than the country.

Today, count your blessings. Don't long for what you don't have(I know-double negative, sorry!) Be content with what you do. And visit the country or the ocean or the mountains. Life is beautiful, and the grass is just as green on your side of the fence. You just have to open your eyes and really look at it.

Kindness

Our days are short and we take them for granted. We waste time thinking there will be more of it tomorrow. But one day we won't have a tomorrow. We are finite creatures with a limited number of days. Immortality is a dream.

I'm sitting here in the quiet of my room listening to the crickets and the ghosts of words gone by. So often we sling our words like sabers; hacking and wounding with little thought to their recourse. One moment our lips say, "I love you" and the next something treacherous. Once spoken we cannot take them back. It seems a simple thing to watch what we say but bridling the tongue is much more difficult than it appears.

Even worse, sometimes harsh words take root in our hearts. The barb sprouts and sows a harvest of bitterness. The offender says "I'm sorry" but the offended finds it difficult to forgive because they don't have a mental eraser to wipe away the bruises. So it seems logical that we use our words carefully, especially with those we love the most. So why don't we?

Be kind. Be generous. Be sweet and true. Even when you don't feel like it. Even when it feels impossible. Especially when you're tired. Better yet, when you are frustrated. Be kind when every one else is not and you will shine like a star. Anyone can use their words as weapons. Why not use yours to heal?

Making the best of a Bad Situation

I got in the wrong lane at the grocery store tonight. I hate that moment when you realize you will be standing in line for 20 minutes even if you switch lanes, and all you can do is suffer and stick it out. If you are in line with nice people you can chit chat and make small talk. But tonight was not that night either. The woman in front of me acted as if I had body lice. She wouldn't look at me as much as speak to me. So when I dared to put my groceries on the conveyor belt of slothfulness she really got agitated. She clutched her basket as if I might contaminate it and I could see her jaw muscles clench. So I just held back and gave her some space. That is, until the man behind me, who was at least four sheets to the wind, began dancing and singing in line. This would have been cute if it was me. But he looked one step away vagrancy. But rather than grumble and pout I just put on a carefree smile. I had a lot on my mind today and I was trying not to let it all show. I really believe if you smile the feelings will follow.

So when I finally reached the cashier I was so happy. She was this sweet, pleasant girl who just smiled and greeted me as if I was her long lost cousin. "Hey, Ma'am!" She said. And I was filled with peace....until she said.... "Where's the ice cream?"

"What ice cream?" I said.

"You need ice cream." She said.

"Why do you say that?" I said. "Do I always buy ice cream or something?"

She just smiled as if she were stirring Kool-Aid in a commercial and beautiful children were holding hands and dancing around her.

"I don't need ice cream. I've eaten a bowl of ice cream every night this week." I said and pointed to my face. "Look at this face. Can't you see how guilty I am? Guilt. Tee!"

And she just kept smiling, as if she was in on some secret joke that I just wasn't getting. She handed me my receipt and said, "Have a nice evening." And I was completely baffled and perplexed. Do I look like I need more ice cream? Sheesh. I still don't know why she said that. Hm.

And then it hit me, maybe smiling like a fool attracts crazy people. Maybe I should stop smiling so much.

I Yam what I Yam

Today I am the patron saint of spinach. I discovered spinach 2 years ago when my muscles began cramping. I read that it has high concentrations of magnesium and that it was good for promoting muscle healing and reducing muscle cramps. I had always hated spinach but discovered if it was fresh it was actually very tasty. I grew it in the garden last year and it was much better than store bought variety. Yum!

So why am I eating spinach today? Well, I don't want to go into details, but I ate too much dessert last night and I feel guilty. I am also the patron saint of guilt. Sheesh. When am I ever going to learn how to stop eating too much? I don't understand why, when I start eating something sweet, I just can't stop. Well, I can, but it's so difficult. So tonight, ixnay on the ice-cream-nay. All of that to say, I like spinach and need to cut my calories today.

I always think of Popeye when I eat spinach. I love my muscles and they love spinach. I also feel really great when I eat it, as opposed to feeling like a garbage disposal when I eat other unmentionables. So yesterday, when someone I work with pulled me aside in the restroom and said, "Are you working out? Because your arm muscles are like, wow!" And I got REALLY self-conscious and swore off sleeveless blouses because obviously I don't know how to take a compliment. "But yes," I told her, "I do lift weights, mainly in a vain and unfruitful attempt to rid my arms of the sagging skin that is a dreadful byproduct of losing excess amounts of weight." And she smiled and patted me on the shoulder and said, "I can't tell and I sure want some of what you've got!"

And you know what? That is very cool! Because if you knew how dorky and insecure I am, you would know how I blushed for 30 minutes after that conversation and got all sweaty and goofy as I worried about people staring at my Popeye arms. I kept wondering if I was a freak of nature. And then, after the weirdness wore off I realized, someone just paid me a compliment for goodness sakes, and I didn't even say thank you. Ugh.

So today's lesson, boys and girls, is "eat your spinach." It is good for your body and will help alleviate muscles cramps naturally. It is also a tasty alternative to ice cream AND you will feel like Popeye even if you look like Wimpy. And this blog feels really random and goofy but I was just connecting the dots and realized I live a very random and goofy sort of life and why not share it, because, honestly? I wouldn't have it any other way. After all, I yam what I yam.

Sneaky, Wicked, and Possibly Evil

I am going to tell you a blatant truth: I am cheap. If there is any possible way for me to save a buck, it will be saved. I am also trying really hard to eat healthy. Healthy and cheap do not necessarily hang out together. In fact, they sort of like to give each other the evil eye and chortle when brought in close proximity. But I digress.

I have 3 boys and they eat like linebackers. I kept buying cereal and they kept inhaling it. I felt that not only did the cereal not fill them up(they were hungry an hour later), I was paying a small fortune for it(even with coupons). So I decided to start making muffins for breakfast. The recipe I have calls for quite a bit of sugar but my husband was NOT having the no sugar variety. So for a while I made them with the full 1.5 cups of sugar and white flour they called for. And I put in chocolate chips instead of blueberries because my children don't like berries(they are strange creatures, I know). Sounds really healthy right? Not.

Well, I am just completely allergic sugar. I can't help it. I have this whole rash that comes over my eyeballs and I get mumps in my toes. You know, a super nasty reaction. Therefore, I secretly began reducing the sugar and started substituting wheat flour in small quantities. My husband noticed the flour but never said anything about the sugar. I was adding banana instead. And then one day, after gradually reducing I decided to throw out the baby with the bathwater. NO SUGAR AT ALL! Oh the humanity! It was a glorious day filled with sunshine and roses and pretty little gold coins falling from the sky. And I think there was a leprechaun but I was so completely distracted by the aroma of fresh baked Banana Wheat Chocolate Chips Muffins that I think I squished him while I was jigging around the kitchen.

I presented the muffins to my children. "Come and get it!" and watched them gobble and snort and belch with nary a complaint. As their faces morphed into the usual zombified stares(glued to the boob tube) and the room erupted with fresh farts(unrelated to the muffins) and they scratched and forgot I ever existed, I realized: They had absolutely no idea I had just fed them healthy food.

So I kept making the recipe, even adding things like flax meal and wheat germ and they kept eating it. Finally, on Saturday I told my 11 year old beast-let that the muffins he loved so dearly did not contain one speck of sugar. And his eyes went all squinty and his jaw dropped open, and I grinned and chuckled. I still haven't told my husband(shh!) but I'm secretly laughing my buns off because he is my biggest critic and loves to point out how he can taste it every time I try to make a recipe healthy.

Tonight the house is filled with the sweet cinnamon-ey aroma of fresh baked muffins and everyone is salivating. Of course they have to wait to eat them until the morning because I am cruel, and possibly evil. But I am reveling in the greatest subterfuge I have ever had the occasion to get away with. And because I can't contain this wickedness, I am going to share my recipe with all of you.

Banana, Honey Wheat, Chocolate Chip Muffins of Goodness (makes 1 dozen)

[10 carbs per ounce/80 calories per ounce]

1 large very ripe banana

1 stick of butter

1/4 cup of honey

2 eggs

3/4-1 cup of milk 1/4 cup ground flax meal

1/4 cup wheat germ

1 cup whole wheat flour

1 cup white flour

1/2 tsp salt

1 tsp cinnamon

2 tsp baking powder

15 chocolate chips in each muffin(yes I count them out)

Mash banana and butter together. Add honey and mix. Add eggs and mix. In a separate container mix dry ingredients. Alternate stirring dry ingredients into butter/banana mixture, and stirring in some milk until everything is blended. Spoon into paper lined muffin pans, layering in chocolate chips as you go(5/5/5). Bake in a 375 degree oven for 25 minutes(poke with a toothpick in the center to make sure they are cooked through as oven temperatures vary). Eat and enjoy guilt free!(unless you eat too many-then, well, that would be bad...)

Inexorable, Inexplicable, and Wholly Unbearable Pain

I went to a special lunch event today with my job and ended up sitting next to a woman I greatly admire. I made a point to ask questions and really listen to what she had to say because I want to learn from her. She has walked a path of great suffering since she lost her husband to sudden illness last year. She looks frail in every conceivable way but she is one of the strongest people I know.

At one point during our conversation she said, "Losing my husband is the hardest thing I've ever been through. It's like an amputation of the heart. My life will never be the same. But I make a decision every day to keep living, even when I don't want to. I have so many blessings and I force myself to remember them." She recounted losing her parents and even a 17 month old grand-daughter. Never once during the conversation did she complain. I could tell she has a lot of experience holding back tears because she did not cry and her voice never wavered. Her right hand trembled slightly as she delicately placed her fork into her salad. Several bites in she said, "I lost my appetite when John(not his real name) died. But I know I must eat, so I do. I don't manage change well, but change is a part of life."

I have never experienced that kind of pain and was struck by her resolve. While the world zips by around her, she lives in a cocoon of grief. After 47 years of marriage, she is alone. And I could think was, "It's not fair."

All of us manage pain in some capacity, some better than others, and in varying degrees. From the cold finality of death, to the loss of a job, pain does not discriminate. It invades our lives when we least expect it and crushes us with tentacles stronger than steel.

I spent most of my childhood in abject pain. Picked on by children at school, and misunderstood by family, I began acting out. I so craved approval from my peers that I earned a reputation as a class clown. I would do anything for a laugh, including flopping on the ground and flailing around as if I was having a seizure. One of my favorite cries for attention was belching with the boys. I just wanted someone to tell me I belonged, that I was "normal" and I wasn't a social outcast. Of course I picked all of the wrong activities for a young girl. I had a beige jacket that zipped all the way to the top of the hood and took turns bobbing around blindly, bumping into my classmates as if I was some kind of deranged lunatic recently escaped from the asylum. They would laugh and scream and shun me further but I craved their attention. I didn't understand why their laughter was not acceptance and I wholeheartedly refused to listen to my mother when she said, "Stop acting so weird and people will like you." I didn't know how to stop acting weird. Quite obviously I have never figured it out.

Clearly I have very simple problems. I don't have cancer. My children are all relatively healthy. I am gainfully employed. I can't even imagine what it would feel like to not know where I was going to sleep tonight. Or even worse if I did and it did not involve a roof. I am always struck by the homeless who linger outside the baseball games down town. Their faces sag under the weight of addiction and rejection. I walk by arrogantly and judge them even as I work to forget their faces.

Pain is a part of this world whether we like it or not. We have two choices to deal with it. Wallow and sulk or keep moving. Grief is a rational response. So is anger. And still, we must keep moving because if we stop, our growth is stunted. If we choose to stay in that place of pain, we diminish and are forever defined by that moment of sorrow. I admire and enjoy people who have suffered and learned from the experience, but I loathe those who froze in place. Not because they are less human, but because they are so unpleasant to be around. My own little slice of suffering gives me perspective and hope. Perspective, that pain does not last forever. Hope, that happiness will come again.

While my journey is very different than that of my friend, we have one thing in common: conscious movement. We recognize that staying in place is counterproductive. It is difficult for her to move when her heart is so heavy, but she knows there is still beauty in the world to be experienced. So I'm going to quote my favorite Pixar character here, and if you haven't seen Finding Nemo, I still think you'll understand. "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming."

Saying No When you Mean Yes

My husband and I went to the Cardinal's Game today and had the good fortune to sit in a suite. I won tickets through the company I work for and was blessed to go with several co-workers. Boy-oh-boy is it fancy in the suite. The best thing about it is all the free food. Hot dogs, nachos, wings, chicken strips and all you can drink alcohol and soda. Alas, no veggies. My husband caught me snacking on a few strips of celery and said, "Margaret, I think that's the garnish." I chuckled. "Well, it's edible, isn't it?

I remember my "carefree" days when 'all you can eat' crud was fantastic. Now I look at nachos and feel a gurgle in my tummy--and not the good kind. But I have to admit, it all looks and smells so good. And while I'm enjoying the conversation of good company I start to snack and nibble and pretty soon I'm carried away. On popcorn that is. This is the one thing I allow myself to gobble unrestrained. No soda, or hotdogs(sacrilege at a ballgame, I know) and definitely no alcohol. Sounds like a lot of fun, doesn't it?

But here's my point, I can go to a ballgame, be surrounded by food and not pig out. It is easier today than it was even a year ago. I used to cringe at the savory temptation. It actually was painful to turn down free food. But I had to ask myself the question, "How many calories are in that hot dog?" and "Is it really worth it?" And while in certain circumstances I will indulge, today was not one of them. At home I have armed myself with an arsenal of goodies that are a fraction of the calories and won't make me feel like crap after I eat them. I just have to wait until I get there to dig in.

I feel like many heavy people look at me and think "I can't do what she does." But it's not complicated. It all starts with saying no when you mean yes. It's that "easy." When someone offers you ice cream, say, "No, thank you" even if you really want it. And sure, you may hate the feeling of denying your sweet tooth in the moment, but if you continue to make healthy choices, you will achieve your goals. It feels fundamentally wrong to deny myself when my fat is screaming to be enhanced. But my fat is a liar! And my will to lose weight/maintain weight is so much stronger. As anyone who knows me can attest, I am not perfect. But I am trying to stay healthy and I refuse to give in to all of my cravings.

I had a blast at the ballgame and I left fully satisfied. I was able to visit with my friends and enjoy a few treats. Most of all, I'm proud of myself because today I made good choices. And that, my friends, is so much more powerful than a belly full of game food.

Unexpected Joy

Sometimes inspiration appears at the moment you least expect it. When it happens, stop and savor.

I don't want to delve into cheap clichés about smelling roses and life being short. The truth is, sometimes life is difficult and painful and no matter the blessings I find myself bitter. It is easy to get stuck in that rut by complaining and setting my focus on the negative. This morning it's physical pain. I am frustrated that my back and hip refuse to heal as quickly as I want them to. I am forced to live in this place of injury that affects every aspect of my life. From trouble sleeping, to working(hurts when I sit too long) to a complete inability to do any form of yard work. It's depressing, actually.

Have you ever met that person who won't shut up about their physical problems? I worked with someone once who insisted on describing her bowel movements in great detail. I quit after 10 months. She was the most negative person I have ever encountered. I don't EVER want to be that person.

This morning I quaked and groaned out of bed. I had a deep desire to ride my bike and a sincere worry that I would make my injury worse if I did so. But I so craved the sunshine. Decisions, decisions. So I stretched and used my heating pad and decided to ride carefully rather than stay home and pout. It was slow going but I love the fresh air. The clouds were absolutely stunning so I just sucked in the sunshine and let my heart unclutter. I decided to take a different road and found myself by the airport. I looked up and there it was...my reason for climbing on my bike this morning.

And my camera doesn't do it justice but my heart feels lighter and that is what is most important.

An Epsom salt bath and some ice later and I'm still in pain. I'm getting ready to head out the door for all of the errands that must be accomplished in this sweltering St. Louis weather. But I wanted to share with others that when we take time to explore, when we invest in our bodies, when we open our eyes to the beauty around us, we will find tranquility that we will never encounter when shutting ourselves in our homes or complaining.

Go see something new today--even if it is the mysterious box turtled crossing the road in suburbia(I almost ran over him!). And let your heart be light!

I Dream of Leather

Every Spring when I hear the rumble of motorcycles, my heart ignites. If I had my wish, I would straddle a Honda Shadow(my dream machine), clad in fringed leather from head to toe and with a red bandana in my hair. I rode a motorcycle for a few years until my significant other deemed it too dangerous. With great sadness I sold my Vulcan 750 to a man with sleeved tattoos, long, black, braided hair and a wicked grin. I'll never forget that last ride….bumping down highway 70 with my husband driving behind me while I delivered the bike to its new owner. He was certain I would hit a bump, fall and roll, and he would run over me. He would say it was the most stressful drive of his life.

But I still dream of leather. My favorite part of my bike was the leather seat. Soft and cushy, it held my enormous rumpus while I glided down the highways, covering miles of ground with no purpose other than the wind in my hair and the sun on my back. Now that I've lost the weight I dream of owning a new bike again, but every time I mention it to my husband he gets this squinty face and says, "I know you want to be a Motorcycle Mama, but the truth is, you will die." I usually sigh and go back to dreaming but decided to push the issue over the Independence Day holiday. He told me a few gruesome stories of death, decapitation and paraplegia, all true tales from "morons" who participate in that misfortunate activity. I wanted to punch him.

I feel very much like Ralphie in A Christmas Story. "You'll shoot your eye out." Well, maybe I'd be happy with one eye. Did he ever think of that? Hm? So I say, "If I die riding a motorcycle, at least I will die satisfied with my life!" But he is like the Grinch that stole Christmas. His heart is 3 sizes too small.

I have been trying to think of covert ways to manipulate him into letting me get a new ride but he is very unmanipulatable. So I'm stuck with daydreaming. But there is no law against buying leather motorcycle clothes, right? So I have set my eyes on leather chaps, a leather vest with a fringe and a red banana. Maybe even *gasp* a leather bra! Of course I'll need some cool black boots and I have even decided I need a new tattoo. It will be a big heart on my right arm that says "Motorcycle Mama." And I shall walk up and down the street, and I shall go to the grocery store(Aldi and Shop N Save) and to Wal-Mart(where I will fit right in with the rest of the weirdo's) and I shall drag my children behind me, red faced and frustrated while I pretend to be what I feel I already am inside.

Because a dream deferred makes the heart sick. And dreaming of motorcycles makes me happy. Maybe one glorious day my husband will give in-–he will I just know it-—and I will get to be a Motorcycle Mama once again.

Celebrate Failure

I've talked the past few days about overcoming challenges at work with a positive attitude. As I slog through my people problems, I continue to work through my issues with food. My oral proclivities do not always blatantly manifest. They subsist in the background of my busy life like a dormant virus. But stress has a way of causing them to erupt and when they do…

It starts with a whisper…. "Things aren't going well today, you should really treat yourself." Visions of Snickers bars and chocolate cake dance through my head. But I fight them off with images of elephants dancing in bikinis. That strategy is successful for a while. Copious amounts of coffee and then lunch staves off the munchies temporarily but the drive home ignites my brain into overdrive as I plan the evening meal. When I am stressed out, this simple thought process is overwhelming. Making dinner suddenly feels like running a marathon. Cooking takes time, effort and energy I just don't have. Usually I win this argument with myself by thinking about how much it's going to cost to feed my beastlets, but when I've had a really bad day, I conveniently don't care.

We have this "terrible, horrible" restaurant in Ferguson called Queen's that makes the tastiest hot braised chicken and crab rangoon for miles around. It often calls to me "Margaret, you know you want me." And I am suddenly weak in the knees. I obviously have no spine. Tuesday night, Queens lured and snagged me. With great glee I sliced off my right arm(Queens ain't cheap) and carried home my box of sugar, fat and salt. Not only did I mistreat my body with that disgustingly yummy "food", I inflicted bodily harm on my family as well. I freely admit we were all immensely happy. And then, to make matters "worse", I ate a big waffle cone filled with ice cream because, well, I had ceased to care about the junk I was ingesting.

Wednesday morning I stumbled out of bed only to experience the dreadful Chinese Food hangover along with a healthy dose of remorse.

The truth is, no matter how much meal planning I do, I freely admit that I too fall prey to the delectable delight that is fast food. But I am not a failure! I am not conquered by that grease-laden delicacy! I too shall overcome the disastrous consequences of eating deep fried processed parts and rice byproducts. I have hitherto promised myself that I shall never, ever, eat Queen's again(that's a blatant lie).

The truly wonderful thing about weakness is that it reminds me I am human. I also love the challenge of failure because it reminds me I am strong enough to dust myself off and make better choices next time. I know that no matter how much I preach against processed foods and deep fried anything, I am sincerely glad that they exist for the truly bad days in life. And while I must make good choices 95% of the time, being bad 5% of the time feels AWESOME!

Beauty vs. Character

I have decided I will always fight for who I am and refuse to be defined by others. Historically I have caved to others opinions of me. I have wrapped myself in pretzels trying to be what they wanted me to be. This began in grade school when I was not widely accepted by my peers. I suppose I didn't fit the societal norm or maybe I was just different. I thought something was wrong with me so I tried everything I could think of to fit in. As I have grown I have learned to embrace my differences. My unique talents serve a purpose that only I can provide and there will always be people in this world who take issue with that.

This morning I saw a woman in the office who is tall, leggy, lithe, and blond. She looked stunning and instantly I thought, "I would kill for that body." And I looked down at my dumpy pants and plain white blouse. And I mentally assessed my saggy tummy and flappy arms. I have tried every strength training exercise I could find to rid myself of these flaws. Guess what? Nothing short of plastic surgery is going to rid me of them. I will never be tall, leggy, lithe or blond(unless I dye my hair). But that does not make me inconsequential. I see too many women obsess over their appearance and subsist in a world where they feel their value is diminished because they don't look like the cover of Vogue magazine. I can think of one person at work specifically who is bubbly, energetic and whip smart, who makes a point to degrade her body every chance we talk. And yet she is widely regarded as one of the thought leaders for my company. Honestly, who the hell cares what she looks like?

Women, control what you can control and let go of what you can't. If you feel unhealthy, make a plan and start working to get healthy. You may never look like Cindy Crawford, but that does not diminish your value as a human being. Embrace your differences! Challenge the world's viewpoint that pretty is everything. Be unique. And spit in the face of Anna Wintour! Stop fighting a war you are not equipped to fight. Beauty is not everything no matter what L'Oreal says.

There are a couple of hags(who are not physically ugly) at work that made a point to make my life difficult yesterday. Deep down I think they are insecure and petty. Only insecure and petty people attack others because they have an innate desire to elevate themselves. I see through that façade. I watched them attack my opinions and skills and then start in on the abilities of a co-worker I highly admire. I saw their true colors immediately. Ironically, the person they chose to malign stopped by my cube late in the day(unaware of the opinions of the hags) and reminded me that all personalities(Drivers and empathetic leaders) are necessary in this world. If everyone were nice and polite the business world would screech to a halt. Maybe that is true, but prudence, respect and kindness go a long way towards earning loyalty, and associates who feel valued and respected will work their tails off (leaders take note).

Character defines a person, not beauty or status or stature or wealth. Some of the loveliest people in this world are overlooked simply because they do not look the way the world would choose them to. While actions speak louder than words, honorable character will often be subtle, like iced tea with a hint of raspberry. But when pressed, character always outshines the most beautiful body, no matter how sexy the dress or the body of the person wearing it.

I couldn't find a picture to adequately define good character but I found this story. We should all live like Jordan Rice.

Is Anger healthy?

I say yes. There are instances in life where getting angry is completely appropriate and wholly acceptable. It's how we respond to and display our anger that is important.

This is not the time or place I choose rant and rave and tell the world all of my problems. We all have problems. We all have issues and stressors and children that need throttling. But today, my little world is crashing around my ankles and I find myself reflecting on what it looks like to manage my anger when I want to run, kicking and screaming and throwing rocks at pretty white ducks. Yes, I am hot enough to maim innocent creatures.

As I drove home tonight I thought about the injustices in my world. And I decided to start asking questions and just discourse with God, because the thing is, it's not fair and it's not right and I hate it. People are mean, laws are unjust and I want to poke some of my co-workers in the eyes.

But I can't escape these problems. I'm going to have to deal with them head on without resorting to violence, which also seems unfair. The thing is, I can't escape my life. I could possibly abandon my family and flee to another state and start over, but then I would have to live with myself. Chances are I'd regret it and then spend the next 5 years apologizing and begging forgiveness from my loved ones. But that doesn't mean the thought doesn't cross my mind. If it didn't, I'd be a cyborg.

So here is how I dealt with my anger today...

I cried in my car at lunch for about 15 minutes. I allowed myself that break to just be human and experience full on anger and frustration. Then I wiped my tears, blew my nose and painted a smile on my face. It wasn't the best smile, but it was a smile. Then, when I encountered co-workers and they asked me "How are you today?" I was able to say, "Fine. How are you?" and not look like I felt. And when I got an email with bad news, I picked up the phone and gently instructed the moron who was trying to upset my carefully stacked apple cart that, "No, I'm not going to acquiesce to your request, but I don't want you to take it personally and I truly appreciate your time and consideration and we really should work out a better process in the future." And she was able to kindly say, "Thank you for being so nice and have a nice day."

And I actually felt better. Smile and the feeling will follow.

I arrived home tonight tired and weary. I dragged my sorry body into the house and past the little monsters born of my loins. I started to undress and the neighbor boy walked around the corner and saw me in my underwear. (!)

And I decided to just give up. Because yelling and screaming won't get it done. Those kids are never going to communicate properly. And no matter how many times I poke them with sharp sticks, they just don't get it. So I decided to blog instead of beating them.

See, expressing ones anger is not wrong, and it can be done fruitfully. My last point of note is that anger does not need to be expressed through ice cream and a snickers bar, but it doesn't hurt!

Is Healthy is the New Black?

I saw the following flier posted at work today and wanted to share. It got me thinking, I am really proud of the company I work for because they are making an attempt to offer healthier, affordable, options in our Café. They have recognized the obesity epidemic and have wisely noticed that some people want to make healthy choices. It doesn't hurt that they might profit from it. I think this is ingenious. And I'm not excited about it simply because they are offering fish taco's(though that is what grabbed my attention). I am hopeful that healthy living is actually becoming a trend.

I had a very fruitful conversation with a friend at work today. He is from the baby boomer generation and noted that many companies developed "junk food" in response to world-wide starvation epidemics "back in the day." It was a point of view I have never heard before. He went on to say that companies never set out to develop foods that would cause mass obesity or harm our planet. They were looking for ways to stem the mass deaths caused by starvation around the world. There are people who would disagree with this logic, but I thought it was an interesting point of view. He said that today we don't hear about starvation issues the way he did when he was younger, and much of that is due to companies like Monsanto who found a way to produce more food per acre. The sad byproduct is GMO's that cause diseases like Celiac's and other terrible food allergies and auto immune disorders. Also, in our attempt to make a bigger, leaner cow and chicken, we now have girls going through puberty at a very early age because of added hormones. What I loved about this conversation was that he noted his hope that the United States would recognize the harmful effects of these byproducts and begin to change course by conducting research that will lead us back to producing healthier foods that eliminates these kinds of side effects. It was one of the most positive conversations I've had about the foods we consume, well, ever.

I was at the pool this weekend and was paying close attention to the children at play. When I was a child, I thought I was fat. I was one of the larger kids in my class(I always had a sweet tooth that could not be reckoned with) when most kids were thin. Today, children in general are much more plump than I ever was. Why is that? Well, I believe it is because "junk food" is cheaper, and more convenient. It also tastes pretty darn good. I believe educating people is one way to motivate them to make healthier choices. I can't imagine most people want to be fat. I believe we can eat yummy food and be relatively healthy. It sure is easy to pick up a couple frozen pizzas and pop them in the oven as opposed to cooking. I have made the sacrifice to take the time to cook healthier meals for my family.

Now I realize there is a faction of people who say eating any food that is NOT organic and that IS genetically modified is NOT healthy. Well, I'll be frank, you have to start somewhere. To me, stopping the McDonald's craze is one place to start. Make hamburgers at home and eat a bake potato instead of French fries. I have lost 140 pounds doing this very thing all while controlling my portions. I fully admit I eat foods that are not certified organic. Why? I'm not rich and can't afford to spend half my salary on food.

Here is one example of something I do to eat "healthier" and not spend too much money. Instead of buying 3 frozen pizzas to feed a family of 5(3@ $3.00=$9.00). I buy 1 pound of ground beed($3.99), a 5lb bag of potatoes($2.50), frozen veggies($.99), and a bag of buns($.99) which all adds up to about $8.47 which is roughly the same price. And, at least there is nutrition in the baked potato skin and the corn. And my family is happy.

I am really hopeful that our country as a whole is beginning to recognize the obesity epidemic and I agree with my friend. Maybe we can shift the nations consciousness and make healthy the new trend of our generation.

Treat Yourself!

The view from my cubicle isn't very exciting. If I'm lucky, I see my leader(through our pass-through window). If he is in a meeting, I see a slit of sunshine through the closed blinds in the aisle. But take note, I am squinting because of the supersonic florescent light over my head. Toiling away in this environment makes me feel as if I am crystalizing into Styrofoam. It's just unnatural.

I sip coffee(okay, I admit I didn't give it up-though I know I should) and guzzle water, and make frequent trips to the restroom. And sometimes I work. Mostly, I wish I were outside. When I grow up I'm going to be a professional sunbather. I love the feel of sunshine on my shoulders. And yes, every time I say that I think of John Denver and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Naturally, I believe sunshine should be a part of everyone's day.

Why do I bring this up? Well for one thing, being a grown up is stupid. I live in a constant state of "hurry up." There aren't enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do. Most of the time "sunshine on my shoulders" is at the bottom my priority list. There are many good reasons for this. My paycheck ensures I have a roof over my head and food in my belly. If I don't spend 45 hours at my place of employment, well, I might get hungry. And I don't enjoy being hungry, or broke, or homeless for that matter. And then there are the ferocious beastlets(my children). They have this habit of squawking like gargantuan hatchlings, fresh out of their dragon eggshells when I don't stuff food into their bellies. So I spend many more hours than I would like to standing over a hot stove cooking them mealworms and grubs. (They like it best with bananas and chocolate chips). Alas, I have so little time for me.

But today I have vowed to make time for "sunshine on my shoulders." I have purchased a new swimming suit, on which I spent an obscene amount of money, so I do not embarrass said beastlets when I drag them kicking and screaming to the swimming pool tonight. They will watch in abject horror as I dive(gasp!) off the diving board and sploosh(!) down the water slide. My 16 year old has informed me that there really is nothing worse than going to the pool with his mother. But he doesn't seem to understand that my signature joy in life is mortifying him in front of strangers, and to deprive me of such joy is well, just wrong. Mothers must have fun too!

So my advice for today is this…. Make time for yourself. Don't get so caught up in life's responsibilities that you don't take time to do something you enjoy. Life is just too precious and way too short. Your simple pleasure may be different than mine. I was never very fond of bungee jumping or mudding. But rest assured, today, taking time to renew my frazzled mind is at the top of my list.

Water water everywhere and no one takes a drink!

When I first began my journey to better health I looked up quick and easy ways to shed pounds. One of the first and best tips was "Drink lots of water!" So I picked up a 32 oz cup and forced myself to sip on it. Now you have to understand that I actually HATED drinking water. And I thought, "How in the world am I seriously going to make myself drink 64 ounces of water a day? But I had read that often when we think we are hungry, we are actually dehydrated. Since I had a practice of eating pretty much nonstop I decided to drink water instead. My best practice was, if I wanted to put something in my mouth, take a sip of water. It was really hard in the beginning but then it became a habit. Now I literally don't go ANYWHERE without my water cup. In fact, even in Alabama I had my well worn 32 oz cup with me in many pictures. I literally feel naked without it.

Soda dehydrates the body so I quit drinking it cold turkey. Diet soda may not have calories, but it is LOADED with salt. You are not supposed to drink ocean water because the saline content is toxic to the body. I have to wonder, who came up with the idea to make salt water, add sweetener and then market it to the general public as a diet drink. Oh, they were looking to make $$$$$ because if you drink a diet soda, golly, you are still thirsty! Whooda thunk it? I don't drink diet soda because before I got healthy it tasted bad to me so I have never really been tempted to subsist on it. I used to get bladder infections ALL THE TIME drinking root beer and finally had to give it up. I don't get those drinking water because water actually cleanses the body. Every so often I'll buy a diet soda but inevitably it makes me ill. Which is a little depressing in the grand scheme of things but obviously the stuff is no good for me(or anyone else for that matter).

So if you are interested in losing weight or just making your body healthy, start small. Pick up a cup and start sipping. You may find you aren't as hungry as you thought you were and you will be doing your body a HUGE favor.

Side note, when I go to the massage therapist they always tell me they notice that I am well hydrated. They say I wouldn't believe how leathery most people are.... Don't be leathery! Be supple and smooth! It's the best known beauty secret out there and guess what, it's nearly free!

Dreams do Come True

I've had a dream for a long time...that I jump in my car and drive to the ocean. On Saturday, June 29th, this dream came true. My husband and I left early Saturday morning and drove 12 hours to Gulf Shores, Alabama. It was a wonderful day of talking and getting reacquainted and falling in love again. We left our three beastlets in the care of my mother(BLESS HER) so there was no "Pipe down in the back" or "Stop farting on your brother!" What a nice day.

We arrived at the beach the next morning full of expectation. We immediately encountered a gentleman who was leaving... "Y'all be careful out there. There's a lot of jellyfish."

I braved the water anyway...(ankles only) and had the interesting experience of being stung by "the jelly's." We sat out the rest of the afternoon and watched the waves instead.

Day two was better. Not as many "jelly's" and I actually got to swim. I love swimming in the ocean. Even while being stung by stray jellyfish tentacles.

Day three I met a nice local man at the shore by our cottage. He came in on a kayak and I struck up a conversation. "Are there any beaches close by where we could see some creatures?" I love sea creatures! He said Johnson Beach was a good place to visit and gave me directions. He also said Pensacola Beach, in Florida, was a beautiful place. We tried to find Johnson Beach and couldn't so we made the 50 miles trek to Pensacola instead. This is what we saw.

It was the prettiest beach ever. There was a yellow warning flag indicating that waves were high and we should swim with caution. I flung myself into the waves and spent several hours jumping and being carried by the water. It was incredible. I was having so much fun in the waves that everyone else disappeared. I heard my husband scream "Margaret!" and I turned to see we were the only people still in the water. Then I heard someone on the beach scream something that sounded like "Shark!" I didn't panic. I just swam as fast as I could and abandoned my husband to the waves. Yes, I would totally leave him to the shark. My children like me better any way.

We quietly ate our lunch on the shore while a little girl told me about the 6 foot shark that swam right next to her and nearly ate her all up. Then we saw a giant sting ray swim by about two feet from the shore. Creatures indeed!

Near the end of our jaunt we met a man who struck up a conversation with us(the best part of vacation is often meeting people and sharing life stories). One of the first things he said was "There's a lot of jellyfish down at Johnson Beach. That's why we came here." Ha!

We sat on the front porch of our cottage and grilled steaks(a real treat for us) and chilled out on our last night in Orange Beach, Alabama(the cottage was in OB though we visited the beaches in Gulf Shores.) It was a nice, quiet evening and we collapsed into bed, utterly exhausted and ready to head home.

Wednesday morning I woke up early and decided to make one last trip to the beach. I put on my walking shoes and decided to fulfill one more dream....jogging on the beach. I arrived at Gulf State Park near the pier around 6:00am and ran along the beach, taking pictures of ominous storm clouds and sticking my tongue out at the birds. They were utterly annoyed that I interrupted their fishing and gave me the evil eye as I passed by.

I met a nice woman at one point who instructed me not to walk on the dry sand because they were taking pictures of the turtle tracks. Overnight a turtle had crawled onto the beach to look for a nesting site. I was happy to get my shoes and socks soaking wet to protect the turtle tracks. Oy!

This is me at the end of my jog....about 50 minutes later. What do you think? Do I look happy?

We survived the long drive home and today I am back with my beastlets. It was a really nice trip and we hope to do it again someday.

I am also proud to say that neither of us got a sunburn thanks to generous applications of 50 SPF sunblock. I came home with plenty of shells and some residual sand. I am filled with peace and looking forward to spending the rest of my vacation time with my family.

Today we celebrate our nation's independence. We celebrate our freedoms and reflect on the sacrifices made by brave soldiers who saw a future worth fighting for. Without them vacations like this may not be possible. Happy Independence Day everybody!