Check Your Brain

Sometimes my youngest Beastlet(hereby referred to as B#3) gets stuck. Not physically stuck, but mentally stuck. He decides that he wants something and then proceeds to badger me about it until he gets it. The screaming matches are legendary in our house. I never win. He is one stubborn kiddo. This morning it was trains. B#3: "I want to take the trains to Grandma's house today." Me: "No." The giant Rubbermaid tub of trains weighs about 40 pounds and there is no way I’m lugging that to the car in heels. He began to wail and I knew he was building up to a tantrum of epic proportions. But rather than let him escalate I decided to try a new tactic that is proving most effective…distraction. If I can distract him for long enough, he forgets what he wanted and we move forward. I asked him a simple question that forced him outside his current train of thought and caused him to formulate a response. Do you know that after his long and complicated answer, he completely forgot about the trains? We left the house in peace. Mom wins this round: 1 point.

Lately I find myself taking fruitless mental trips. The bad thing about the brain is its vast capacity to wander. If not careful, it will take me someplace I really don't want to go. The wonderful thing about the brain is I control it. If I don't like where I'm going, I can redirect. This process takes practice and perseverance, but it works.

For example:

Thought process: My boss is going to Australia. My boss is so lucky. I wish I were going to Australia. Australia is a beautiful place. How come I can't afford to go to Australia? I wish I made a million dollars a year. It's not fair that I can't go there. Why can't I be rich like my boss? I hate my boss. He is stupid. I hate my job. I hate my life. Queue bitterness and depression for the rest of the day..

Now, if I recognize where my train of thought is going before I get to the red text above, I can redirect to the purple text below:

They have kangaroos in Australia. Kangaroos are scary. Bugs Bunny taught me they will pummel me with their ginormous feet. I don't want to go to Australia because I might get mauled by a kangaroo. Queue relief, nervous laughter and a jovial mood for the rest of the day.

See?

Today some idiot put a box of donuts outside my cube. On the very top was blueberry cake donut, my absolute favorite. I can put the donut of doom out of my mind for a while but every time I turn around, the thought of that sweet, fluffy, fat laden confection slaps me upside the head and says, "Pay attention, B*tch! I own you." So I can choose to go down path #1 and land in a sad, depressed state wherein I lament that there are skinny people in the world who can enjoy blueberry cake donuts and never gain a pound. And then there is me. I have gained 2 pounds just looking at the donut. Then I feel so bad about life that I have to eat the donut to make myself feel better OR, I can think about the sugary sweet grapes I'm going to eat instead and how fantastic I will feel after I eat them. Because if I ate that donut, I would get a sugar buzz for about 30 minutes and then crash into a pile of sludge and feel like I swallowed a rock for 2 hours. And then I would beat myself about the head for hours reminding myself how weak and pathetic I am. Ew!

The brain is an amazing organ. It controls so much of our bodies without us consciously telling it what to do. Imagine how challenging it would be to purposefully think about every breathe we took. And yet, we can hold our breath if we want to. So many times we don't try to step outside our "mental trip" to see we have other options. For obvious reasons, we get stuck in a rut. Why do they call it a rut? Because, Dummy, you've been over that ground a thousand times. Today, I encourage you to step off the beaten path and run through the green field to your right. There are daisies and deer and maybe even a creek with a frog in it. Now, you wouldn't want to miss that frog, would you?

I've Got the Power!

I heard about it before I saw it. How beautiful, moist and tantalizing it was. I knew I couldn't resist and yet I longed to see it. Still I resisted. After all, I hadn't been officially invited. So I tried to pretend it wasn't there, even though I heard it calling for me.

"Margaret? Margaret! I know I'm here. And you know I'm here. And I'm so sad and lonely, Margaret. Won't you come and visit me? I don't have that many calories and my icing is so blue and white and beautiful."

My friend came to my cube with a plate and gave a real voice to the cake who had been shouting my name ever since it arrived. "Margaret, did you know we have cake over there? You should get a piece. It is absolutely worth the calories." She smiled that sickeningly sweet way pregnant people smile because they have no guilt. Calories are not calories when your pregnant. I should know. So I ran--I swear--I actually ran around the corner fast smoke was billowing at my heels. I then saw the cake in its fully glory. It was love at first sight.

It didn't matter that I'd been 1 day without sugar. It didn't matter that I was finally starting to feel a modicum of control. Nothing would stop me from savoring every single morsel I could stuff into my face.

I heaped the cake onto a plate and scrapped off some extra icing for good measure. The best part of the cake is the icing, right? And I began the slow and careful walk back to my cube. Slow...because I didn't want to muss it. Careful, because my poor heart would have broken if I dropped it. But when I reach my space I felt a teeny, tiny twinge of guilt. Did I really want to eat the cake? YES! But really, Margaret? YES! Still, I couldn't do it. It was just so pretty. So I put it in a Tupperware container and tucked it gently into the freezer so I could take it home and eat it slowly....later....when no one would see me....it would be our little secret.

I texted my husband. "I have cake. I think I should eat it. Don't you?"

"No. You should save the cake for me."

"Maybe it will survive the ride home." I responded begrudgingly.

And it did. Somehow that perfect dessert made it home. And do you know that my husband actually got to eat it? And I didn't eat any?

I woke up the next morning and I felt like I was Queen of the world. I've got the power! I said to myself as I danced around the house. Somehow I survived the temptation. It was so empowering. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to resist a dessert. I felt so great about it I got my husband another piece the next day. And he was very happy. And so was I.

The moral of this story is, I love cake. But I love my body more. And even though it was really hard to deprive myself of that wonderfully sinful cake, I was so glad I did. Sometimes doing the right thing, though painful in the moment, is actually the most amazing feeling in the whole wide world. Really. You should try it sometime!

Family, Friends, and good Food

I love my family. I love my friends. I love to eat. Combine these three things and BLISS! My aunt(Mickey) and uncle(Mike) offered to let me pick green beans at an impromptu stop in the country on Sunday. They know I love green beans. Honestly, I think I could eat them every day and not complain. Because of their generosity I have free, fresh green beans all week. Steamed with butter, garlic and onions, they are heavenly.

My friend Sheryl inspired me to make salsa a few weeks ago. I cooked and canned a few pints and am slowly savoring my way through it. She also encouraged me to try guacamole. She said avocados are very good for the body. In my wildest dreams I would never have tried that weird, green fruit but I love my Sheryl and honestly, if she asked me to try fish heads, well, I would make a gallant try. I know she would never steer me wrong. So I made my first attempt at guacamole this week and Hooray! It was very yummy.

All of this to say, I continue to struggle with my eating. I want to eat too much too frequently. But I have resolved to try to eat healthier. And then my friends and family surround me with love and give me two of my favorite foods, of which I can pretty much eat what I want. Tonight for dinner I feasted on green beans and guacamole. And it seems like a strange combination but I love eat and they were very tasty. As I ate I thought about the people I love, who love me, and my heart was warm.

I was on "Mom strike" tonight because I needed to rest from my hectic life. Mom strike involved not making dinner for my family. They had to scrounge. And that was good for them. I made homemade bread for my husband(I have wholly converted him from store bought fluffy-no substance-pretends-to-be-bread) and I made guacamole. And I am happy.

Today was a long day, but significantly better than the days that preceded it. My boys are running around the house laughing and playing. No stress. No commotion. We have been just hanging out. Randy is telling me about the book he is reading, "Happy Happy Happy" by Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty fame. He has decided to be a duck hunter. Maybe I should go on Mom strike more often?

Tomorrow we see Switchfoot. We are SO excited. So I am heading to bed early with a few raisins as my sweet snack for the day. I ran this morning and did not hurt my hip. And, my husband is happy with the cake I brought him from work, that I was given and was somehow able to smuggle home without eating. Food, family, and friends makes for a happy happy happy Mom.

A Graceful Perspective

It was 5:45am and pitch black. I was 30 minutes into my bike ride and climbing the most difficult hill on my course when my bike started to wobble. I heard the flap-flap-flap that indicated my tire was flat. Nearly 5 miles from home and no spare inner tube on hand, I was forced to call my husband. He is not a morning person and is always fearful about bad things happening to me on the wild streets of North County. I knew I would never hear the end of it. Need I add I was frustrated and embarrassed? An older gentleman walked by and stared at me. "Flat tire, eh?" No, I just like standing on the side of the road in the dark holding a bicycle on Tuesday mornings. Catch you next week same time?

I endured the lecture on the drive home. I tried not to cry but did not succeed. At the time my biggest concern was that I didn't get my full workout in. My theory is, when in danger, pretend there is no danger. But as I fully processed the misfortunate chain of events I began to think about all of the terrible things that could have happened to me. Omitting the crimes that could have occurred to me at the hands of passersby, I thought about the hill I had just flown down before the tire went flat. If the tire had gone out 1 minute sooner, I could have lost control and been thrown into traffic. After the cycling accident I had last year, where I broke my front teeth, I probably never would have stepped foot on a bike again. That is if I lived through it.

Last summer I was riding at Creve Coeur Lake Park when a man, who was not paying attention, nearly crashed into me. I swerved off the path and caught myself before I crashed. He was not so lucky. He swerved and fell on the pavement. He was not wearing a helmet. He hit his head and broke his "good" hip. I held a rag on his head to stop the blood from gushing out of his cranium while we waited for the paramedics. I listened as he called his wife and learned he had recently endured a hip replacement. That is the kind of do-over no one wants to experience. We could not have been going more than 5 miles an hour. You can imagine what happens to someone who loses control while careening down a hill on a bike at 25 mph.

Still, I was really irritated about the flat. My husband was mad at me. My workout was ruined. I have to buy more inner tubes(I had recently replaced another flat). And that is IF my husband lets me ride my bike again. I sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the way to work(no calling in sick!) thinking about the long day ahead, all the while simmering until my pot was ready to boil. That was after wrestling with my youngest beastlet just to get him out the door to Grandma's. What a fantastic way to start the day.

I had two choices this morning. I could stomp into work, scowl at everyone and continue to simmer about my bad fortune or, I could embrace my blessings, be thankful I'm not in the hospital or the morgue and move on. I chose the latter. I gave my irritation to Jesus. I smiled at the people at work and I thanked God I was alive to tell this tale.

I opened my devotion book when I had a break at work. Joni Eareckson Tada wrote this for September 17: "Somebody's watching. When a young mother in her wheelchair perseveres through loneliness, when an elderly widow keeps leaning on Christ, when Christians in dark corners of the world hold on to God's grace, the entire spiritual world stands on tiptoe, wondering, 'How great their God must be to inspire such loyalty!' If you're alone, thinking no one cares, don't give up the battle. Remember, somebody is watching, somebody cares. And you might even hear the rustling of their wings."

We all choose how we respond to adversity. To be honest, I like to embrace the occasional bad mood. But peace comes when we let go of our anger and frustration and move forward.

Those who know me have heard me talk about a woman I worked with at The Fed. Her husband left her for another woman after 20+ years of marriage. She was resentful and bitter and lashed out at everyone who crossed her path. She always wore a look on her face that was reminiscent of someone who regularly sucked on lemons. I believe she had every right to be angry. But when anger festers, it can grow into a monster. I choose not to take that path. Any time I consider it, I think of her.

May God always grant me a grace-filled perspective. Even over trivial things like a flat tire.

Just like Forrest Gump....I was ruunnnning

I woke up tired and sore this morning. And weary. Did I mention weary? And I did my Saturday routine and then I suited up and ran out the front door. I didn't feel like it. See, I'm a failure. I keep goofing up with food. But I decided to keep moving anyway. Today is a new day.

The sun sparkled down like a fountain and my eyes blinked at its brightness. I walked up the first hill and down. I jogged a little. And then I saw it....the blue sky against the brilliant green trees. As the tree rats scattered and scampered I caught my breath. I was cold and it was exhilarating.

The shadows that had gathered under my eyes dissipated. My heart leapt. Everywhere I looked there was light. I soaked in every sun drop and every cool breeze. And I forgave myself for yesterday.

This morning was high noon in the valley of the shadow. I ran down Florissant Road praising God and singing. I waved at cars and at my neighbors. They half-heartedly waved back. "There's that crazy girl again," they thought. I'm still moving. I'm not giving up. Today is glorious. How about you?

Curse of the Ice Cream Cone

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and feel so broken. I feel as if my heart shrank in the night and my body is withering. Melodramic? Yes, but true. I climb out of bed and I pull on my workout clothes and I speed off into the morning air. Summer is officially over so instead of sunshine I find myself wandering in the darkness. I remember vividly the look my husband gave me last night as I munched on my ice cream cone. The "are you really eating that?" look. And I am overwhelmed with guilt and the feeling of failure. Why can't I resist treats? Why are they so alluring? Why do they make me feel so good when I know they are so bad for me?

Each day is a new day but I am "haunted by the hounds of addiction." (Andrew Peterson wrote that). My lust for food never goes away. And sometimes I grow so weary of fighting it. But fight it I must.

Who can I blame today for my problems? Um, well, I could blame the makers of ice cream for making it so tasty. I could blame the advertisers for selling it so well. Have I mentioned lately how much I love Dairy Queen commercials? They totally make me drool. I could blame Aldi for selling it cheap. I could also blame my children for screaming for it every night when I eliminate it from the house. But thing is, I really have no one to blame but myself.

My struggle with addiction to food confounds me. I wish there was a methadone pill that would take away the cravings. But it's not the cravings that kill me. It's the desire buried deep in my heart that screams for relief from life's problems. Food numbs me. After I eat ice cream I am able to fall asleep peacefully. When I skip it I actually get jittery and struggle to rest. Now I know that if I can make myself go without it for a week or two, I can get past it. I've done enough reading to understand the way my brain responds to sugar and once I have lubricated my neural pathways, it takes "a minute" to set them right again.

Now some people tell me, "Margaret, you have to treat yourself now and again." And that's true. My fundamental problem is, when I treat myself, I can't stop. If I eat an ice cream cone each night, then I need 2 the next night. Or, I'll double down on chocolate syrup or something else equally bad for my body. My tolerance for indulgence will continue to climb until I literally cannot find a feeling of satisfaction. That is why I got to be as heavy as I was. Some people get sick when they overdo it with sweets. Not me. I used to make cookies and sit down and eat 2 dozen. And that was AFTER I ate my dinner. Crazy, huh?

This morning I remembered something glorious. My struggle with these demons will not last forever. While I am on this earth it will be difficult but when I die, and God gives me a new body, I won't fight with my desire to overeat anymore. It was such a wonderfully happy thought that I started to cry. Some people might call my faith foolishness but that's okay. Everyone is entitled to their beliefs. Mine gives me peace. I literally cannot imagine living with this curse forever. And I have peace knowing it is temporary.

My husband is so good to me. Last night we discussed my ice cream problem. (Keep in mind that he loves ice cream too). He reminded me that my children will not die without ice cream in the house. He told me he can make the sacrifice to live without it to save me from the temptation(sometimes I do have the willpower to resist but it's difficult). He said eating ice cream every night is "a bad habit we've all gotten into." And he said, "I will deal with the children when they start crying about it." And I was so relieved. Thank God for him. Even better, he doesn't judge me when he finds me licking an ice cream cone as I hide in the back of my room. What more can you ask for from a mate?

I realize this post isn't very inspiring. I'm sorry about that. I feel like I’m letting everyone down. Unfortunately, this is my daily struggle. And while there are many good things happening in my life, and I feel like a baby whining about food, this is my reality. I hate that food takes up such a large space in my brain and I truly wish I didn't think about it all the time. But there is grace too for this. For others who continue to struggle, please don't give up. I'm not giving up either. Defeat is temporary. Giving up is permanent. Amen to that!

Magic Fat Blocking Powder For Sale!

You gotta love Groupon. From discounted entertainment packages to your favorite restaurant, they've got a deal for everyone. I opened the email from Groupon today and noticed this: "Weight-Loss-Hypnosis Class." I thought to myself, "Now I've seen everything." Sure I've heard about hypnosis to lose weight, but I never actually considered it. I mean, it sounds good in theory, but after seeing a hypnotist perform in a science class in high school, I thought it was all a bunch of mumbo jumbo. So when I saw the byline in my email I was astounded to see below it, "Over 900 bought." Wow. And only 11 people bought tickets to see the DaVinci exhibit.

FACT: people are desperate to lose weight. They will sprinkle magic "fat blocking" powder on their food and they will buy electrical-stimulation-abdominal belts to contract their abs so they don't have to do one single sit-up. What does this say about our culture?

Yesterday a friend posted a cute little picture on Facebook that stated "I'd much rather eat pasta & drink wine than be a size zero." I immediately identified. Who doesn't love pasta? But it seems unfortunate that our culture continues to glorify self-indulgence at the expense of our health.

Last night my husband and I were talking about health insurance. (Yes, I'm going there.) Our youngest child has Juvenile diabetes. Due to some unforeseen dental expenses we have used nearly all of the money in my health savings account, which means we will have to come up with a chunk of change should anyone need to go to the hospital. Rest assured, unless it is broken, severed, or comatose, we will not be going to the emergency room. On one hand Americans insist on Krispy Kreme donuts, but then complain about the cost of health insurance. "Margaret, get to the point," you say. Okay. I will. Since I lost the weight I have seen my own health improve dramatically. I'm not saying I never get sick, but instead of getting sick 1-3 times a month, I now get sick 1-3 times a year. I honestly believe it is because I am not filling my body with junk food on a regular basis. I will note, when I go on a bender and eat a lot of sugar, I get sick. Every. Single. Time. That is because refined sugars are poison and weaken the immune system.

The basic issue: we know we are fat and sick. Life without health insurance is literally unthinkable. We know most of the foods we eat are bad for us(fried chicken, cookies, French fries). We are also so desperate we will try anything (short of eating right and exercising) that will make us sexy(Vanity of vanities!). But we ignore our sickness and disease(so many studies say antioxidants in fruit and veggies prevent cancer) because we have decided eating pasta is more important than being slimmer(healthy). Modern conveniences save us having to walk up stairs or even into the grocery store to buy food(motorized carts are available). We believe the lies marketing companies tell us, "You deserve chocolate lava cake." And we get fatter and more unhealthy every single day. The $35 billion a year diet industry is making a fortune from our ignorance and apathy. And unfortunately, the health care industry is too. But rather than address all of these issues, we spend $29 on a weight loss hypnosis class? Really? It seems we are already hypnotized. What other explanation could there be?

There are many days I wish I could go back to the way I was. Ignorance is bliss, right? I could look at a plate of Fettuccini Alfredo and not think calories and carbohydrates. I could make my daily trip to Taco Bell or White Castle and suck in chocolate shakes with reckless abandon. After all, plus size clothing stores have made it so that I can be both portly and a snappy dresser. But I can't. I was desperately unhappy as an obese person. I physically felt terrible every single day. My butt didn't fit in chairs. It hurt to move. I was embarrassed about my lack of self-control. And while I feel that I am fundamentally the same person, fat or thin, I feel good knowing I have taken control of my life. Discipline really is a very good thing.

Yes, losing the weight was really hard. Yes, maintaining my weight loss is a struggle. But hypnosis could never, fundamentally fix me, much the same way gastric bypass surgery misleads many obese people. Ask Al Roker! Each choice I make over the course of my life has consequences. I make a conscious decision to educate myself, eat right and move my body. The result is that I lose weight! But the moment I start eating too much, stop exercising or fall into unhealthy patterns, I will quite literally bear the weight of those decisions.

At the end of the day, it's not about fitting into my goal blouse any more. It's about how I feel when I walk or run, ride my bike or play baseball with my boys. I am no longer encumbered by the layer of blubber on my belly. I'm also healthy and relatively happy. And you want to know a secret? I did it for FREE.