To Dream the Impossible Dream

I had lunch with a good friend yesterday. She is beginning a journey to achieve a dream that has taken root in her heart. Along with the dream comes fear. Fear of failure. Fear of stability for her family. Fear of success. Change can certainly excite fear in our hearts and if we are not careful, it has the capability to thwart our dreams.

It's easy to say, "Keep a positive attitude" when the sun is shining and the birds are singing, but when the rain comes, hope is that sparkling gem so quickly flushed away in the swirling torrent. We find ourselves splashing around in the gutters, sifting through the muck, and desperately grasping for the one thing we feel least likely to find. We come up for air with nothing but mud and broken finger nails as the water rises and our hearts sink like stones to the bottom of the lake of sorrow. Hopelessness is like an anvil chained to our ankle.

3 months into my journey to better health I began to despair. I found that the excitement of losing weight had worn off. I had lost hope. I was tired of eating healthy food all the time and I craved the junk that used to be my tried and true mood lifters. When one relies on food(or any other substance) it becomes a crutch and learning to walk without that crutch may be painful but it is necessary! I realized for the first time that if I wanted to lose the weight and maintain a healthy lifestyle, I could never go back to eating the way I used to. I grieved. Gone were the days of security that came in the form of fudge and cookies. I could no longer cuddle in bed with M&Ms or rush out to White Castle or Casa Gallardo for lunch. Basically, all the behaviors that comforted me were gone. What I couldn't see then that I do see now is that I was using food to avoid my real problems. I consumed a steady diet of self-pity. I also focused entirely too much on what I was living without instead of taking hold of the hope that came with renewed health. It took me a long time to recognize the lies I had come to accept as truth for most of my adult life.

"I am comfortable with being overweight."

"There is nothing I can do to change my metabolism."

"Fat is my identity."

"I am helpless."

"My dependence on food is more important than the emptiness in my heart."

"Food completes me."

"I feel bad therefore I am bad and there is nothing I am willing to do to feel better so I may as well eat."

Regardless of the lies, however, I still had a dream. I dreamed that I was thin and I could run. This was so ingrained in my psyche that I would fall asleep at night and dream that I could run without growing tired. My legs propelled me down sidewalks and up hills so efficiently that it was a terrible shock when I woke up to realize I could not run. Still, that deep longing resonated so deeply that I couldn't shake it no matter how hard I tried. Now I know why.

Dreams are good. Dreams are an important part of the human experience. So frequently we let fear choke our dreams and kill them before we have even given them life. My friend said she feels as if she is floating in a river of fear—clinging to a log of safety—terrified to let go and see where the river will take her. The risk of abandoning the safety of stability is real but she yearns to let go because there is also a possibility of achieving her dreams—dreams that define who she is. I believe God has given us all dreams for a reason. Before they are realized we don't understand why, but on the other side—once fear has been conquered and hope achieved—we have a new perspective for His purposes.

I had a dream that I could run. It was both literal and figurative. It seemed impossible but I have achieved that dream. I dreamed that I could lose weight. I lost 140 pounds without surgery or a gym membership. But my journey has been about so much more than achieving those things. I have gone on a journey of self-discovery where I learned to abandon the mental crutches that restricted me from personal and spiritual growth. I will call them what they were…handicaps. I was handicapped and didn't even know it! I had to face my fears head on to learn and grow. I had to let go of log of safety and be swept away.

I believe God gave me those dreams because he wanted to set me free. Those dreams were a gift. And guess what? My journey isn't over. I'm still dreaming.

What is your dream? And what lies do you continue to live out that prevent you from taking hold of it?

The Perfect Weight Loss Equation

Living a healthy lifestyle is easy. Cut calories. Move more. Multiply by time(C + M x T = weight loss). Anyone can do it. It's just like quitting heroin. You take the one thing that comforts you—removes physical and emotional pain—and just stop taking it. Then go out and skip rope and smile. Everything is peachy now. All your friends are happy that you're healthy, and you're happy now that you're healthy. You are happy, right? Because it's easy, right? And life is now perfect because you have the perfect body and the perfect mindset and you mastered the formula. Because simply doing the math is easy, right?

Make no mistake, obesity is a curse. The physical effects of carrying around extra weight are devastating. But for most people, eating delicious food is a pleasurable activity that far outweighs the consequences. The mere sight of a cinnamon roll slathered with gooey icing literally makes me weak in the knees(I know, I encountered one this morning and drooled all over the glass it was safely secured behind). The crux of the problem lies in making a decision between satisfying the deep longing to weigh less and feel great and the immediate gratification of eating the cinnamon roll. Depending on who you are and where you are in the journey of life, the decision can be very complicated.

And then there is hunger. Our bodies demands to be fed. They scream for calories and water on a regular basis. Since soft drink companies have hornswoggled us into subsisting on flavored beverages, water has lost its luster. And because those soft drinks are laced with sodium, which only make us thirstier so we will drink more and buy more, our taste buds are hungry for more savory sensations. Unsatisfactorily, the abundance of flavorful foods only makes us "hungry" for more. The act of eating becomes like visiting an amusement park. We seek out culinary thrills only to become so addicted to the rush that there is no real satisfaction in indulging the senses. Pleasure + Pleasure = dissatisfaction. How else do you explain Little Ceasars bacon wrapped deep dish pizza? It seems that people are constantly trying to "up the ante" with food combinations that amaze and inspire(big bellies).

Lest I sound like a hypocrite(okay, I'm totally a hypocrite but let's pretend I'm not), I want to tell you about a very flavorful experience I had yesterday. A friend invited me to lunch. When she asked what I would like to eat I responded, "something healthy—like salad or veggies." I told her I have been struggling with my weight due to recent feasting and really needed to get back on track. She is working her way through a cookbook page by page and had rested on cheese fondue. I've never had fondue. And I know how fun it is to make a new recipe so I told her to go for it. When I arrived there was a heaping plate of veggies(asparagus, peppers, carrots, cucumbers) and a steaming pot of cheese dip. She had little forks for me to stab the veggies with and then dip into the fondue. It was all fun and games until I couldn't stop eating the cheese dip. I told her, "This can't possibly be healthy. It tastes too good!" I was literally scraping the bottom of the cheese pot for scraps when she looked at me and said, "Did you get enough?" I smiled and said yes, but what I really meant was, "Hell, no give me more!" One would think that all that tasty cheese dip would satisfy the longings of my (bottomless stomach) heart but I found myself topping it off with frozen yogurt, pizza and cookies for dinner. Every time I think I can enjoy a little savory sustenance, I flat out jump off the cliff of gastronomic sanity and am dashed to pieces on the rocks of regret. And that is how I found myself jogging at 6:00am with my bad knee and arthritic toes. Because I still hadn't fully digested my dinner and felt like a garbage can full of heartburn and gas. If I know that certain foods will do bad things to me, why do I continue to eat them?

I don't know why I can't eat a little cheese dip and be satisfied. It's unfair, really, but it is my reality. I get to choose between suffering as an obese person or suffering without tasty viddles as a "thinnish" person. I feel like I am standing on the middle of a teeter-totter with all my muscles tense while I wait for the wind to blow me the wrong way.

I realize I can sound pretty melodramatic about food. I apologize. I am fully aware of people who do not have food to eat today and are forced to suffer the desolation of their bodies due to hunger and malnutrition. Hunger is horrible. So forgive me for writing about vanity versus gluttony. Yes, I may be a selfish and greedy wretch but I am also addicted to the pleasure of eating. It, too, is horrible. I eat and I am not satisfied. And I am deeply troubled by my lack of self-control.

Saturday night I sat in a room of thin, well-groomed people who all lauded my transformation from 310 pound woman to 170 pound woman. It's all so easy on paper. Eat less. Check! Exercise more. Check! Lose weight and look fabulous. Check! Check! Smile, nod and repeat. Did they see how many trips I made to the buffet? My husband did. He very wisely did not say a word. Why does our society make eating too much acceptable as long as we do not get fat doing it? Why are we so loathe to acknowledge the human being behind the exterior who suffers and struggles with addiction, loneliness and heartache? When will we stop pretending to be perfect and acknowledge that we are all fouled up in some way and need each other, as human beings, to help carry those heavy burdens?

Additionally, I could not walk this path without Jesus. That may sound weird to some people reading this and I hope I don't offend anyone…. But despair creeps in so frequently. It would be so easy to let go and just eat myself to death. I want to be honest… I've had fantasies of doing just that. While many of my friends are very supportive and would do anything to help me, it is only by God's grace to me in the form of complete love and total acceptance that I am able to dust off the cookie crumbs and keep trying to beat my food lust. He loves me when I eat cake, and he loves me when I eat vegetables. It is by believing in that love and fully embracing it in my frail and fallen state that I continue to try to live a healthy lifestyle. Because if maintaining an ideal weight was as simple as (C + M x T = weight loss), this blog would not exist.