Cravings

There are times when I am like a runaway train careening out of control. The bridge is out and the breaks are burned up. I can only stare in absolute horror as I crash into the abyss. This is how intense my physical cravings are. These moments come because I have indulged in sugar more than I ought and I have to start the cycle of weaning myself from it again. These are not simple, "I want a snack" cravings. These are, "I need a chocolate faucet with unlimited access" cravings. Today the cravings are amplified by work stress which has turned them into Gargantuan Cravings of Doom. Meaning, it's probably only a matter of time before I give in. Which leaves me feeling helpless, hopeless and utterly broken. I have been reading a book called "The Addicted Brain." I am learning a great deal about addiction and beginning to understand why I use food to calm myself. I have used food this way since I was a child and fighting against it is a brutal and bloody battle. I lose many battles but I continue to fight the war, and probably will until the day I die. Reading this book is helping me to understand that I am not fundamentally flawed. Sure, some of my "need" for relief is psychological but I am utterly relieved to know that much of it is physical. Dr. Michael Kuhar says "Research has taught us how drugs and other pleasures affect the brain. It turns out that drugs, gambling, Internet use, and chocolate all affect the brain in similar ways. The importance of this discovery extends well beyond knowing about drug abuse and pleasure; it impacts on ethics and morality, the nature of the brain as a survival organ, the evolution of the brain, and the good, the bad, and the ugly of human nature." This war is not for weenies. I am not a failure, even when I give in to the cravings. I am human. Today is a day where I try really hard to limit myself to foods I know won't trigger impulse eating but also satisfy my "need" for something sweet. At lunch I thoroughly enjoyed my orange. It's kind of hard to overeat an orange. And I have my other crutch, Trident Sugar free gum, which I can chew to my heart's content. I may be inhabiting a smaller body now, but the war is the same today and every day. My encouragement comes from knowing I am forgiven when I overeat. I am not condemned. God loves me just as I am. I don't have to beat myself up, I just need to be diligent and forward thinking. I also know that if I resist the cravings I can get past them. If I go without sugar for at least 3 days, the cravings subside and go away. I just have to get over that hump. It's hard to break the cycle but Christmas is over and all the goodies are gone. I am tempted to stop by the store and refuel but that would be counterproductive. Because here's the deal… I am master of this ship. I have a choice to indulge or deny. And today, I deny. Because I know the cycle. I know I can get over the hump. I choose triumph over tragedy, hope over despair, forgiveness over hate. And while I hate these cravings and what they represent, they also give me courage. Because if I'm fighting, that means I haven't given up.