One of These Things is Not Like the Other

That thing would be me. It is so much fun to be different. It catches people off guard. Like, when I’m walking down the hall and I see a casual acquaintance and I wave erratically to say hello instead of the standard, smile and nod greeting that is common in the workplace. People smile more when I do these things. Like when I get excited about my grapefruit and toss it in the air like a baseball and catch it as I "celebrate" back to my desk. I like to think people are happy that I seem to be enjoying myself. They are definitely not thinking, "There goes the lunatic again."

Today is Friday the 13th. I know the calendar says November 1st but it lies. Because too much wild and wacky stuff happened today for it to be a normal day. Oh, and the moon is full too. You don't need to look at the sky. You can take my word for it. Most of the day I felt much like a ping pong ball bouncing back and forth between two deranged orangutans. This is how I earn my paycheck, bobbing back and forth. Ask any executive assistant. That is how we roll. And I have every reason to be crabby about it. I could stamp and moan. I could grab a cigarette, make my face pruny and scowl. I could blather on about crossed wires and fake-outs, malfunctioning scanners and goats but nobody wants to hear about that anyway. And besides, kicking the goat isn't going to make my job easier.

Today I am celebrating. Why, you ask? Well, I feel like I've been set free. I have this raging food addiction that drives me batty just about every day of my life. Like a 16 year old boy thinks about sex, I think about food. I'm not kidding. It's that bad. One of the ways I got through the first month with no sugar was by fantasizing about eating chocolate chip cookies. That can't be normal. But yesterday was Halloween and I didn't crave candy at all. In fact, I gathered a giant bag of candy from work and brought it home to my husband and teenage son(that's how I know about the sex thing) and watched them eat it while I snacked on pumpkin seeds and raisins. And I wasn't unhappy. In fact, I was completely satisfied. So here is where I let you under the tent…. where I explain how this could be humanly possible.

I had an injection of alien DNA and I am now cured forever of my addiction. Okay, that's not entirely true, though my mother might attest to the fact that I've always been a little "off." I decided to cut sugar, diary and gluten from my diet. I am on day four and I feel like a million ducks. And I feel so good I don't miss them. Really. And I hope like crazy I continue to feel this good. Because if it's that easy to get rid of my depression, man, I am one lucky girl! And no cravings and constant thinking about when I get to eat again. Holy mother of jackpots! I'm a winner!

So if I'm strutting around the office waving my arms like a twitchy cricket, and serenading people who walk into my cube with "Hello Dolly," well, who can blame me? People like positive energy. In fact, I have seen more genuine smiles today than I have all week. Bring on the crossed wires, malfunctioning scanners and belching goats. Besides, I've got some really great Groucho Marx impressions to polish up on.

*Disclaimer – no goats were harmed during the writing of this blog.