Fun with Flatulence

If you are easily offended, maybe you should skip this column.

Still reading? Okay. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I ate a high fat meal for dinner last night and found myself feeling a bit bloated this morning. After I ran, I cooked my hard boiled eggs and drove to work, as I usually do. But on the way to work I had a wonderful idea. A gloriously wondrous, momentous idea. Maybe if I ate my favorite cabbage salad for breakfast WITH my hard boiled eggs, it would help clean out my system and wash away the bad fats I was bedeviled with. I really do love my cabbage and I freely admit I enjoyed every bite.

But when lunch time arrived I realized all I had was my hummus. So I went to the café to get some veggies to go with it. Low and behold they had fresh steamed brussel sprouts. Miracle of miracles! It is my new favorite veggie so I got extra. And I got steamed carrots for dessert. YUM!

Recap:

Breakfast: Large bowl of grated cabbage and hard boiled eggs.

Lunch: Hummus(bean dip), brussel sprouts, and steamed carrots.

Around 2:00pm I ate my big bowl of red grapes and sighed with joy. What an utterly wonderful food day. I felt so clean and shiny inside. I drank my water with glee and smiled at what a "good" girl I was.

And then it was 3:00pm and I felt a strange rumbly in my tumbly. And then it happened. Toot! Toot! And there wasn't a train in sight. And it smelled very bad. And that was only the beginning. As it got increasingly worse and there was no containing it, I began to worry. What do the people in the cubes next to me think? Do they know from whence the farts originate? Are they all choking and crying and gasping for air but afraid to offend me? Or is it really not that bad and I'm over reacting?

I was so relieved(pun intended) when 4:15 arrived and I began to wrap things up. And then one of the men I work with came into my cube to tell me something. And I could swear I saw him wriggle his nose. And he didn't intimate that he smelled anything but he cut the conversation short and slowly backed out of my cube. And it really would have been funny except that I was horribly embarrassed.

So today I learned a lesson. Keep beano on hand at all times. For I do love my fresh veggies, but it feels terribly wrong to inflict such intestinal carnage on my co-workers. Learn from my unfortunate experiences, my friends. And do not become a helpless victim of flatulence.