No Such Thing as Moderation

If you haven't figure it out already, it's the holiday season! That means gluttony reigns supreme and moderation is the wicked step-sister. Poke her in the eye and put her in the back seat, boys! It's time to chow down. It is a time of excruciating mind games for the compulsive eater and I am not immune, no matter what my co-workers, friends or strangers-who-think-they-know-me assume. Saying I like to eat is like calling a pig, well, fat.

So bring on the bacon! It's December 2nd and time for my first(of many) holiday lunches. For those who can't attend, send in your dessert order early. It will be delivered to your desk because heaven forbid you miss that 2,000 calorie double-decker chocolate cake. So how does a food addict survive? Do I pretend to be sick and bow out? Do I attend and watch everyone else eat? Do I act self-righteous and talk about how good I am because I don't eat sugar/dairy/gluten? (That is a sure fire way to make new friends and influence people). Or do I simply get a plate and nibble(which is sort-of like being stapled and hung from a magnet)?

With all that in mind, here is my early Christmas gift to you, 8 strategies to survive the holiday feast:

1) Eat lots of veggies. So you hate Brussels sprouts? Get over it! Like Nike says, Just do(eat) it! Seriously. They will have carrots. And carrots are sweet. Eat those instead of cheesecake balls. It's kind-of the same thing.

2) Eat before you go. If you're not hungry, you can't eat too much.

3) When someone passes the bread, say you need to use the restroom. Stay in there for 15 minutes and come out holding your stomach. Constipated look is optional but very effective.

4) Whistle. If you're whistling you can't put food into your mouth.

5) When someone offers you "bad" foods, wave your hand in the air and say, "I never did mind about the little things." (I learned this from the movie Point of No Return) You get bonus points if you imitate Bridget Fonda.

6) Hire Gordon Ramsay to follow you around. Let him taste everything first. After he dissects and articulates how awful the food is, you will have lost your appetite.

7) Pretend you are a nun and eating said food is a cardinal sin. Seriously. Be stern with yourself. You know you are going to regret it later, so save yourself the heartburn and emotional anguish and just say no.

8) Finally, toss your plate in the trash. If you have a weakness for certain foods and people force them on you like Attila the "Food" Hun, throw it away. Carry it around on your plate for a while and when no one is looking, just trash it. My friend Becky has a weakness for Brach's Candy Pumpkins. People send them to her in the mail because they think she is deprived. When she is strong, she puts them directly in the circular file. I know it feels wasteful, but if you remember that kind of "food" is toxic to your body, you will be more apt to forgive yourself.

So there you have it. I survived my first holiday lunch by employing several of the strategies listed above. I'll let you guess which ones. Mix and match to your heart's content. Then share anecdotes with your friends. It's more fun that way. And if you have additional strategies, please sound off in the comments. I love picking up new ideas!