Life has its way of throwing us curve balls. It takes so little to trigger the impulse to reach for a familiar vice. That thing, whatever it is, that comforts us when our world turns sour. Like a warm blanket on a cold night, it has the power to numb the pain, if only for a moment. We get there by rationalizing the indiscretion away. I'll only have one. I've been so good and I deserve it. I stopped once. I can stop again. And before we know it we are in the devil's grasp and he is squeezing us black and blue.
Addiction is much more prevalent in our society than we would like to admit. From video games, television and iphone apps, we all have something we "depend" on. People tell me all the time I need to watch Downton Abbey, but the spooky crack-addicted gleam in their eye keeps me away. Besides, I don't want to sit on my couch for 3 days to catch up on previous seasons.
Sometimes I get really down about my food issues and start down a dark path. I begin to wish I could eat whatever I wanted and not get fat. Then I consider the thin people who can eat endless donuts without gaining and ounce and I find myself feeling bitter. Before I know it I'm chuffing cookies and saying "So long cruel world" as if I really have problems. Yes, vanity does drive me to watch what I eat much more than feeling good. I freely admit that gaining 10 pounds really does a number on my brain.
Besides, I've been gaining and losing the same 10 pounds for a year now. I guess this is what they call maintaining one's weight. I don't like it. It's old now. Why can't I restrain my urges 100% of the time? And why am I so insecure that when I do gain the weight I feel as if I've grown a third eye?
As I contemplate my weaknesses and the daily struggle to live a healthy lifestyle, I know I must examine the truths I have learned over the past 4 years. Prolonged self-indulgence does not ensure happiness. Undisciplined behavior leads to reckless(and unhappy) living. Self-control is a badge of honor that reveals strong character. These hard fought truths remind me why I cannot sink back into the depths of addiction. No matter how badly I want those cookies, they are not ever, and I mean EVER, going to fill me up. The hole in my heart cannot be filled with food and I must address the endless ache there rather than eat. It's like getting a shot of Novocain. It might numb the pain for a while but it doesn't fix the cavity, which will continue to rot the tooth until it is extracted.
I was 24 years old the first time I lost the weight. I lost 125 pounds and gained back 140. I gained because my heart was broken and I kept trying to mend it with food. Guess what? It doesn't work. I have tried for years to fix my problems with food. The only thing food-medication has ever given me is more problems. So this struggle to stay healthy is right and noble. No matter how bad I feel, I know food will never fix me. It will only make me worse. But the terrible truth is that without food I will die, so I am forced to live my life on a teeter-totter, trying to balance the good with the bad and not tilt too far in the wrong direction.
If you are on a path of addiction today and can't get a handle on it, ask for help. I know that I have a God who is bigger than my desire to eat and He helps me keep my priorities in the right place. He does fill the holes in my heart and gives me peace and joy besides. I couldn't fight this battle without Him. I struggle the most when I push Him to the side. Because the real truth is, food is not my fundamental problem. My heart is. And when I try to soothe my heart with food I get very, very lost.
Today I said a prayer for Trace Adkins. I hope that he finds his way and is healed of his terrible addiction. And I know I certainly have one thing to be thankful for….Thank God I’m not a celebrity! I couldn't handle having my struggles analyzed and made fun of while blurry fat pictures of my person were distributed and dissected by the media.
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