So goes the theme song from the popular 80's show that defined my childhood. I watched Tootie roller skate, Blair, primp, and Joe, work on cars. I sympathized with Natalie, whose body style did not fit with the "thin and pretty" crowd. In my own way, I wanted to be all of them. I would roller skate around my neighborhood, I would style my hair and I would look on as my dad worked on our vehicles. I would read books and savor chocolate, but in time I came to understand that, alas, I am just boring old Margaret.
This morning I was listening to Focus on the Family. They had a segment on dads writing letters to their wives and children. My dad has never written me a letter. Neither has my husband. The few cards I have received with their precious handwritten notes I keep securely tucked in a Rubbermaid tub in my attic, where mice and mold will eventually get them. As I listened I felt the familiar seed of envy creep up in my heart again. It's the same feeling as when I see thin and pretty girls at the office eating candy and cookies. It's the same familiar pang I feel each time my boss leaves on an extravagant trip while I stay back to take care of administrative matters. I feel it when I walk around my neighborhood—the nice lawns, shapely awnings and colorful front porches. Alas, my body and my things, my life and my children are not as good as those of other people. I am still just boring old Margaret.
It is so easy to get caught up in the envy trap. Does it make me happy to be envious of others? No. It makes me absolutely miserable. But I find myself living there more often than I would like. My thought patterns take me to a place I should not go and pretty soon I am one crabby girl.
Today is a day of suffering for me. I have been dealing with a pinched nerve in my neck and it is not fun. My left arm throbs. My hand tingles and goes numb. My back aches. I have been making regular trips to the chiropractor, which does help, but I'm still not healed. My knee is bad, so I can no longer run. And I've been eating cookies and ice cream. Alas, I am not one of the skinny pretty girls who can eat whatever they want and never gain a pound, so today I am wearing the largest pair of pants in my closet and they are too tight.
I am burned out on eating healthy all the time. I'm tired of feeling the pressure of making healthy choices and still feeling miserable. And so the cookies win. They do make me feel better for a while. I look forward to that comfort more than any other, which disturbs my heart. Why do I have to love food so much?
Now, I know what you're thinking. Margaret is depressed. Well, maybe. Except that I also have perspective on my situation. This is life. Life will not always be fun or easy. And while it appears that the people that surround me have better lives than I do, they do not. So when I find myself in these patterns of envy and despair, I choose to look on the bright side. In other words, I count my blessings. Last night as I lay in bed I thought about the day and all the terrible foods I put into my body. Instead of giving myself 30 lashes I thought about my nice, warm, bed. My youngest beastlet was tucked in beside me and we spent several minutes praying together. In his fumbling way he asked God to forgive his sin and I asked God to help me eat better tomorrow. When we were finished I thought about how fortunate I am to have a bed in a nice, dry house. I considered that there are many people living in the world today who have no home. They live in a tent or under a bridge, or with their mother(yes, you can laugh. I hope to never live with my mother again). Last night I found great comfort in my bed. My house may not be as nice as other peoples, but it is mine. I have my doggies and my children, and yes, even my crabby husband who never writes me love notes. Last night we were safe and warm and dry.
This morning I got up and pulled on my workout clothes. They, too, are tight. I did my crunches, planks and lifted the weights high over my head. I didn't think about the struggles I would have with food again today. I didn't think about my husband's truck and the failing engine is that going to cost many thousands of $$ to fix, thus nixing any vacation plans we had. I didn't think about diabetes or any of the other many issues we are facing as a family. I thought about how good it felt to move my body. Strengthening my muscles makes me feel good inside and out. I talked to my children about patience, kindness, and respect while they dutifully rolled their eyes at me(but I know they hear me). Today I enjoyed working out because it is fun. And I will keep working out because I love to move. So if you see me and you notice that I'm not as lithe as I used to be, don't be too hard on me. I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances. I trust God to help me keep working on my food addiction and to give me the grace not to give up. And I choose not to compare myself to others, because right now the biggest blessings in my life don't need to be extravagant. I choose to be content with simple pleasures. And today, I choose to be content with my fuller figure because it means I am not hungry, like so many millions of children and adults who struggle with finding a decent meal, much less a suitable shelter over their heads.
Today, live your life with the knowledge that you are supremely blessed. You may not have the job you want, the spouse you want, or perfect children, but if you look closely at your life, choose to accept the things you can't change and change the things you can. Love! Continue to hope for the future. And above all else, don't give up.
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