We All Have a Choice

Today I was standing in the break room and heating up my lunch. Sandwiched in between the microwaves and my clandestine toaster(toasters are strictly forbidden but I sneak mine in) are two vending machines. One holds ice cream bars and the other holds an assortment of candy. Each day I while stand and wait for my food to cook, I stare at the machines and contemplate my past. The machines used to torment me, but now I talk back to them.

"You are looking lovely today, oh machine of Blue Bunny ice cream. Your advertising is very colorful."

"Thank you, Margaret. I am pretty sexy, if I do say so myself. Would you like to sample some of my wares?"

"Your offer is tempting." I say. "In fact, I remember well what many of your ice cream treats taste like. Most of my food memories are very vivid. But no thank you. Not today." I turn away and consider the conversation over.

"Psst. Margaret. You look very hungry. It's been a while since you had a treat. My chocolate chip ice cream sandwiches are chewy and sweet. You should try one."

I gaze back at the machine which is grinning like a demonic clown. "No, thank you. The thing is, all that so called food is a lie. In fact, there's not much food in your food. I think I'll pass."

"But Margaret..."

"This conversation is over." I say. And I finish making my lunch.

I have never once purchased anything from those vending machines because to me that is a full relapse. No matter how many poor food choices I make, there are certain lines I don't cross. There are certain candies I never buy and there are certain fast food restaurants I will probably never eat at again. I have even gone so far as to take my children to places and sit quietly while they eat and I listen to my stomach growl.

I am having success again in controlling my urges to eat continually. I have lost 10 pounds and feel a lot more confident. Every day is not the struggle that it was. I haven't had ice cream in a few weeks and I don't miss it any more. I'm trying to be kind to my body and rest too. I tend to push myself too hard most of the time.

We visited the country over Independence Day. We worked really hard and it felt good to step away from the daily grind. In fact, I credit the trip with helping me break free from some of my more recent addictions(peanut butter cookies). Sometimes we all need to step away from our routines to gain clarity in our lives. It really helps!

We put up an outhouse, cut down a tree and stacked it up and I cooked a bunch of meals over the campfire. We slept in tents and washed in the Meramec River. It was glorious! On our final trip to the river I simply stood in the water and watched the creatures swim around my ankles. Various fish including perch, minnows and small bass tickled at my legs. There were several large tadpoles with legs and my favorite thing in the world, crawdads. I stood for such a long time watching all of these beautiful creatures that a large crawdad started pinching my feet. I poked his antennae and he backed off only to come back a minute later and start all over. In the 60 minutes we spent wading and watching I felt all of the trouble and trauma in my life slip away, as if carried off by the water never to return.

I find relief from all my worldly troubles in nature. There is something so pure about watching something I had no hand in creating, that is so breathtakingly beautiful, just be. Sitting in a camp chair watching the stars fall and the moon shine, we could almost forget the neighbors loud music and raucous fireworks at 1:00am.

Today I read a quote by one of my favorite authors, Dean Koontz. He wrote about growing up poor with his alcoholic father, "I always knew happiness was a choice."

That is what I need to remember when my cravings come on so powerfully. I get to feeling awfully weak and low. I feel like I don't have the strength to keep resisting and I can't break my thought cycle of wanting to the point of desperation. But I have a weapon now. I will stop and remember the sheer bliss of standing in a cold river while the fish swam around my ankles. I will remember my boys splashing and giggling hysterically as they captured crawdads and tadpoles. I will sigh again and remember that happiness is a choice.