I'm no quitter

I recently finished a book titled, "Thin Wire: A Mother's Journey Through Her Daughter's Heroin Addiction." I feel a little obsessed about heroin addiction but it seems the closest thing to my food addiction. This book was written by mother and daughter and seemed more of a "How not to treat a heroin addict". But it was their words and their story and they lived it so who am I to judge? The reason I really like reading those kinds of books is that when someone is writing about their own addiction, it usually means they survived. And heroin is a killer. I think it took great courage for Christine Lewry to write that story. Because she was definitely an enabler. But she never gave up on her daughter. That kind of love is amazing.

Christine's daughter Amber says at one point, "Drug addiction is no-one's fault but your own. No one makes you a heroin addict; it's always your own decision-that's the first thing I have to admit to myself."

Amber also talks a lot about the pain in her life and how heroin is a numbing agent to that pain. Each time she would detox and get clean for a while her emotions would come rushing in. It was very painful. It was part of the reason she relapsed, though she never said so in so many words. There is no doubt about it, pain is difficult to deal with and we all have our own ways of coping.

Amber was able to finally sever the ties from the people she did drugs with. It was the only way to stay clean. If she hung out with people who did heroin, she was unable to resist, even though she still thought about it a lot. I think about food a lot but I can never escape it. I am constantly bombarded with flashy advertising. A simple trip through the grocery store can set me on edge if I'm the least bit hungry or sad. Tonight it was donuts and I resisted, even though my middle son cried all the way out to the car. Yesterday it was Easter candy and I buckled and ate way too much. I ate it to numb the stress and pain of the day. And it worked. Sugar works for me which is why I return to it over and over and over again. The difference between sugar and heroin is that one is socially acceptable and the other is not. Both kill in high quantites. Both are poison.

I write this blog because I am not always strong. I write because I have to encourage myself to keep trying to take care of my mind and body. I write because I want to encourage others who struggle with food and mood. And I'm not going to give up just because I had one bad day or week or month. I'm going to keep relapsing and sobering up because that's who I am. And even though I am flawed and broken, I am me and nobody else. And I love me too much to give up the fight.