I remember walking into a school function some years back and running into one of my dad's cousins. I didn't know him or his wife but they laughed when they said, "Margaret, you look just like your mother." I was familiar and it made me feel warm to know I belonged to someone.
If we can't escape the genes of the people we were born to, can we dodge the habits and thought processes we have picked up while living with them? For instance, I remember my mother having great disdain for people who were late. She often said tardiness was rude. For that reason I will always struggle with guilt when I am late. It pushes me to be timely. As it relates to food, she would encourage us to eat fruit instead of chips or cookies. For that reason when I think snack, I think apple or orange. I am passing this practice on to my children. As I learn about nutrition I know my growing boys need protein and carbohydrates so I offer them nuts and cheese and fresh homemade bread. And then I wonder, what attitudes and behaviors am I passing down to them? Children are like little sponges, soaking up everything we toss their way.
I frequently discuss parenting with my friends and there is always a prominent theme: we all feel inept to teach when we feel so incompetent at managing our own lives. And yet we go about teaching, whether we want to or not. Our behaviors today are the attitudes of our children tomorrow. In much the same way they will pass on my behavior to their own children, should they choose to have any.
At last I arrive at the place where I want to make my point. So often we make the mistake of comparing our bodies to those of our family members. We seek out the familiarity of those we resemble. Normally that is a good and healthy thing. But I think we make a mistake if we don't take responsibility for our individuality. It is wrong to embrace the flaws of our ancestors insomuch as we refuse to acknowledge them as flaws. For example, knowing everyone in our family has a history of obesity should not lead us to the conclusion that we have no choice but to follow in that tradition. We are individually responsible for our behavior. Just because my parent taught me, consciously or unconsciously, to take comfort in double fudge brownies when I am sad, doesn't mean I need to carry on that tradition. It may be easier to point out attitudinal flaws like judgmentalism or racism, for example. But that does not negate the flawed logic of embracing food as comfort simply because it is a learned behavior. We need to see our attitudes, behaviors and physical traits for what they are outside of our family ties all the while loving and respecting those who share our genetic similarities. We also need to realize we are all on our individual paths and some are farther down the road than others.
I often make the mistake of comparing myself to other women. Maybe it's a woman thing. I will think, "She is prettier than me. She has smaller hips and perfectly proportioned legs while I'm stuck in stumpy leg land. It's not fair that my genes are against me and my metabolism is slow." I have to consciously practice changing my attitude. First, because my outer appearance does not define who I am inside, but more importantly because I am Margaret and no one else. I am responsible for my body, my attitude, my behavior. And while it is difficult to challenge deeply ingrained behavior, I have found great joy in discovering who I am outside the realm of my ancestors. But only insomuch as it sets me free from their flaws. I am perfectly content to love and cherish all of my inherited perfections.
Today I am thankful for my mother's face and my father's heart. I am hopeful that I will pass some measure of the love they have bestowed on me to my own children. After all, love is the greatest inheritance we can receive or give.
No comments:
Post a Comment