Love and Wonder

It's Wednesday evening and I've had a busy day. I attended a Women's Conference and met a great speaker, Susan Crook, who talked about how to "unleash your inner power." She teaches for Skillpath but is also a talented writer and Christian. Here is a link to a book she wrote "Personality Insights for Moms" that I cannot wait to read. I knew it was going to be a good day when she referenced, with pictures, the people who inspire her: Corrie Ten Boom(a Holocaust survivor) and Joni Earekson Tada(my personal hero and a paraplegic woman who helps others who are disadvantaged). I learned about how to deal with people who are stressed out and how to create an organized and interesting work space. I networked with people from Edward Jones, the company I work for, and took gobs of notes. But the most important thing I learned was about not giving up on my dreams. She encouraged us to take the necessary steps to pursue our passions and I plan to do just that. She also expressed how important exercise is for stress relief and personal peace. I did not share my story but instead chose to listen and let others speak into my life. All the gears in my brain were cranking and I walked out of the conference feeling like a shiny new penny.

It was really nice to step away from my life for a minute and focus on self-improvement. I am a full-time working mother which means I have very little time to myself. When I'm not working or parenting or exercising, I'm cooking to feed three growing boys.

Tonight as I stood over the stove and worked on dinner I thought about how crazy busy I am and how I rarely sit down when I'm at home. I was thinking about how I am sick and tired of cooking. My boys eat so much! And since I'm averse to fast food(which includes frozen pizzas and boxed meals from the grocery store) I spent an enormous amount of time preparing nutritious meals from scratch. I was beginning to feel really cranky when I realized that in a few short years, my boys won't be at home with me anymore and I probably won't have anyone to cook for. I envisioned myself standing in the kitchen, looking in my sink and feeling lost. My children are such a huge part of my world. Even as I write this they are squabbling from their bunk beds while I desperately try to concentrate. But one day my house will be silent and I will most likely be alone.

So while I was trying to boil water and roast chicken, I began calling my boys in one by one. I asked them about their day and what was good and what was bad. Then we sat and talked while we ate. We didn't make it through our prayer before dinner because they were fighting and I gave up because I didn't want to lose my temper. Instead, I just soaked it all in. My teenager sulked and my youngest tickled his older brother who kept yelling "Cut it out!" On a normal day I might have boiled over, but today I had peace. I made a decision to enjoy every crazy moment.

In a few short hours I'll start all over again. My alarm clock will buzz and I will lay there and wish I didn't have to go to work. Then I will consciously drag my saggy butt out of bed and crunch and plank my way to happiness. Tomorrow may be my last day on planet earth. Tonight may be my last chance to hug and kiss my children. We just never know. But in this moment, this crazy-sane second of pure contentment, I will sigh to myself and just soak it all in. Because I just had the best cherry popsicle kiss good night. And I hear an electric guitar wailing. And I hear the quiet tick of a Kindle e-book being devoured. And it's not because I'm the best mom in the world and I never make mistakes. But it does have everything to do with love. I never knew my heart could be so full of love and wonder that my body would forget to be exhausted. Today my heart is full to bursting and I am glad!

Pedal Faster!

Today I climbed on my bike for the first time since my illness. It was only my second ride of the year but since my first ride, 2 weeks ago, was so great I assumed I could go for miles and miles and oops...I realized half-way through that I am still recovering from the flu. I started coughing and my legs turned to jelly and I wondered if I was going to make it home. But I geared down and just kept peddling anyway, just as fast as my wobbly legs would carry me. And the wind was blowing and I felt like the snails were moving faster than I was, but I arrived home safe and a lot more peaceful than when I set out. Of course, all that peddling(an hour and 45 minutes worth) probably worked all the orneryness out of me. Exercise is definitely an anti-depressant. I highly recommend it.

So today my good word is, Get outside and enjoy this beautiful weather! Get your heart beating and feel the blood rushing through your veins. And smile. Smiling makes the heart(and the body) happy.

The Grass is Greener on this Side of the (Suffering)Fence

As you know I haven't been writing on my blog much lately. That is because I have been dealing with a crippling depression. And then I got sick. Really sick. Today I saw a light at the end of my tunnel of darkness so I am taking a moment to write. On a happier note, I did get to mushroom hunt before the flu came to cuddle and this is me with my big sack of morels. Another reason I love being healthy - lots of energy to hike and enjoy creation.

A good friend of mine called me recently and said, "Margaret, I'm looking to kick-start my weight loss regimen. Where should I start?" My brain was like a water balloon swelling with ideas. I could easily spend two hours telling people how to get healthy. In fact, talking about living a healthy lifestyle is probably my favorite thing to do other than writing. But I have learned that when people ask me questions about how to get healthy, they don't have the capacity for everything I want to tell them. We are a "10 quick and easy steps" type of society. People want the "skinny" and pronto! They don't want to hear about protein, grains and veggies. "Just tell me how to get rid of the fat already! And don't tell me to exercise. I hate exercise."

My friend had the luxury of calling on the phone so she didn't have to look at me as my eyes crossed and I got all squinty. That happens when I’m trying to process how best to respond without sounding like a jerk. I have said it before and I'll say it again, when I was fat, I hated talking to people who lost the weight. I secretly cursed them with a "I hope you gain it all back plus 20 pounds." I really disliked the way they made weight loss sound so easy, like, they just snapped their fingers and the fat melted off. So when my friend asked me how to kick-start her weight loss journey I was completely honest. I said, "Prepare to suffer!"

"You said what?" Yep. That's what I said. Because honestly, changing one's lifestyle can be somewhat torturous. That is because human beings are creatures of routine. And food is one of our most comforting behaviors. When you realize you have to cut your calorie intake to lose weight, it's not a pleasant thought. And when you actually start cutting the calories? Oh HELL!

And that's just the food issue. When I start talking about exercise people get this look on their face like, "You want me to yodel and hula at the same time? Not gonna happen." And then I spend the next 10 minutes talking to myself while they smile, nod and silently curse me to regain all the weight plus 20 pounds.

Now that I think about it, I wonder if I when I get that question I should respond with, "What would you like to hear?" That might save me some time and energy. There are many reasons I continue to be successful at keeping the weight off, and none of them are quick and easy. To be honest, some days I don't even know how I got here because I feel like I have no self-control. But the reality of living a healthy lifestyle is so wonderful, it makes all the bad decisions and bad food days blips in my healthy living continuum.

Yes, diet and exercise are a big chunk of how I lost the weight, but the bigger, more important question was and continues to be, WHY? At the root of that question is the fundamental understanding of who I am as a human being and why I over or under-eat. For that reason, every decision that flows out of my brain is tied to my knowledge of myself and my body. That is why I love to read books about nutrition and exercise, but more importantly, books about addiction. I identify with people who have poor impulse control. Learning more about my weaknesses gives me the courage to turn them into strengths. If I had no true understanding of the way my body responds to refined sugar products, I would probably continue to try and eat them in moderation and fail miserably. Since I developed the patience to learn about my body and how it processes sugar. I now know it is a poison and I must avoid it at all costs. And yes, there is a cost. Sometimes skipping the cake or donuts is emotionally painful and I am sad. But like the recovering alcoholic, if I want to stay sober, I need to abstain.

I had lunch with a good friend today, someone I love beyond words. She cared for me many years ago when I was a fat, deeply insecure person, by loving me just as I was. And yet one of my most painful memories stems from our time together when she slapped a piece of Godiva chocolate out of my hand as I raised it to my mouth. I remember being utterly and completely mortified as I got down on my hands and knees and tried to find where the morsel of food had rolled under a desk while she looked on in abject horror. Her actions did nothing to dissuade me from eating but I honestly knew she loved me and only wanted to help. I forgave her on the spot but I never forgot. Sometimes I want to slap food out of people's hands too, not because I think they are pigs, but rather because I think I have a better perspective on the deep pain they are in. Obese people suffer every day because being really heavy is a miserable experience.

That is why I have this saying on my desk at work: "Losing weight is hard. Maintaining weight is hard. Staying fat is hard. CHOOSE YOUR HARD!"

So yes, if you want to lose weight, prepare to suffer. The only thing you are choosing between is suffering forever (encompassed by a layer of fat you hate) or suffering by removing the "comfort" you receive from the food that is nourishing you. If you can suffer "well" by depriving yourself of sugar(fat and salt) and push yourself to move a little bit(walk, ride your bike or swim) you can regain your life, one pound at a time. Because even though I suffer now with temptation(donuts, cookies and candy) I would much rather endure the suffering of skipping dessert than the suffering of not being able to sleep because I'm suffocating and my arms are going numb. I lived that way for too many years and I am never, ever going back. So if you are silently cursing me to regain the weight plus 20 pounds, I am going to look at you and think, "you want me to yodel and hula at the same time?" I make this promise here and now….not gonna happen! And that is how a mind is made up. So which side of the fence do you want to sit on? I promise, this side is greener.