Getting healthy is not conventionally convenient but ultimately rewarding

Have you heard the term "modern convenience"? I lump many things into this category; automobiles, washing machines, dishwashers, and elevators. But the term is not restricted to machines. Think canned food, frozen dinners, and Pizza Hut(my personal favorite). We've got television so we don't have to think for ourselves. We have smart phones to deliver the internet and instant access to people(no more writing letters). For a few bucks we can hop on an airplane and travel to another country in one day as opposed to spending weeks on a boat. The twentieth century has primed us to be a culture of ease. No wonder we're fat. If anyone manages to invent an anti-gravity device, the human race is doomed.

So why do something difficult if there is an easier way? After all, scientists and inventors spent a lot of time creating these time saving devices. But do we actually have more time in the day? If we do, why do people tell me, "I don't have time to exercise."

Pride of Ownership

I don't always enjoy working out. There. I've said it. Some mornings I wake up and think, "I would rather get a root canal than work out today." Sometimes my body needs to rest, but I can't skip my workout too frequently even though it would be immediately convenient. So what motivates me to get on the elliptical machine when I would rather melt it down for scrap? Pride of ownership. First, I am fairly certain my body is the only body I will have for the rest of my life, unless someone invents brain transplants(see human race=doomed comment above). Second, when I tackle a difficult task and complete it I am proud of myself. I know what being proud of myself feels like. It's awesome! Therefore, I see into the future that if I complete a difficult workout I will like me. So I do it.

I also think this way about food. I may really want Pizza Hut, but I know that if I abstain I will be proud of myself(not to mention thankful for the absence of indigestion and heartburn).

I may have mentioned one of the triggers for me to get healthy was recognizing my addiction to sugary treats. I literally couldn't envision a day where I didn't consume pounds of candy. Deciding to cut sugar out of my diet wasn't particularly difficult but living through the first week without it was pure hell. I took the first step and then analyzed myself. How did I actually feel after one week without sugar? I honestly didn't feel much different physically. I still weighed 310 pounds. I still craved White Castle. But how I felt in my spirit is a different story. Before that week I didn't think it was possible. But I did it. And I was so proud of myself. I wondered if I could make it one more week. I tried and I did it. Then I began to notice changes in my body. I noticed I didn't get as hungry as I used to. My cravings for fast food gradually subsided. I began to notice the natural sweetness in foods(I could not believe milk was naturally sweet!). When I think about the fact that I could have gone my entire life without enjoying an orange(too sour!) I grieve. Cutting sugar out of my diet changed my life. To be completely truthful, I actually enjoy food more now that I did before. All because I attempted to do something difficult. Sometimes recognizing the difference between "difficult" and "impossible" is the beginning of a miracle.

Each days brings its own particular set of challenges. Some seem so large I hide in the bathroom. It's true. Don't tell anybody. But even on those days I have ammunition.

I don't talk enough about faith and the roll it has played in my journey. How in the beginning I prayed that God would help me to not eat sugar. How He answered that prayer. How He helped me recover after eating a bowl of cookie dough(my favorite guilty pleasure) three months into my journey. How He helped me keeping walking when I desperately wanted to quit. Some days I don't really understand how I have managed to lose 140 pounds and change my life. Then I realize, it wasn't me. It was God, showing me my weaknesses and then giving me the strength to keep tackling them when I fail. It started with a simple prayer, "Lord, teach me how to be disciplined."

Discipline is not convenient. It is by definition difficult. And while I love my car and I love my washing machine, I love my body more. I am now willing to forgo "convenience" to care for it. If that means giving up Pizza Hut and learning how to make healthy homemade pizza instead, by golly I'm game. Even if it means spending 60 minutes to prepare it instead of having it delivered at the door.

It's How We Respond to Adversity That Really Matters

Adversity takes many different shapes. It is the empty bank account when the mortgage is due and the bully who takes pride in making one feel inferior. How we react to adversity says a great deal about our character.

Today I had the great privelege to revisit a time of adversity in my life. I went through a work situation that was extremely difficult several years ago. I don't say that lightly. It was months of being brave when I felt like crumbling inside. Inevitably I resigned, unable to continue in a deteriorating environment. I felt like a failure. And though I have never regretted my decision it has always felt unfortunate.

Looking through the lens of experience I see that situation quite differently today. I wonder if I had the self confidence I do now that I would have responded differently. I like to think I would. I spend a great deal of time trying to encourange people facing adversity. I honestly believe exhibiting a positive attitude plays a great role in helping us to get through difficult situations. Instead of saying, "I can't" say "I can" and try. You never know if you can if you don't try.

Seven years ago I sat across a desk from someone with tears in my eyes bemoaning a co-worker who seemed set on getting me fired. Rather than bear up under it, I quit. It was the beginning of a time of great turmoil in my life. As I thought about it today I realized how far I have come and how much I have grown. In an interesting turn of events I had the opportunity to sit across the table from that same person under different circumstances and with a completely different outcome. I felt vindicated in some respects and also that I had come full circle. It was an opportunity to physically and spiritually experience resolution to something that has long troubled me.

We often ask why we must face adversity. It always feels unfair and unnecessary. But facing trials makes us better human beings if we learn from the experience. If we walk through the fire and live to tell the tale we have the choice to become bitter or see our lives as blessed.

I have a friend who inspires me every single day. She has faced great adversity in her life and lives to tell the tale. She lost a child. She was abused by her husband. There was a time in her life when she felt hopeless, like we all do at some point in our lives. She is a source of great strength to me because she has learned from it all and endeavors to share her life experience with others so they too can learn from her pain. She has the most beautiful smile and positive attitude of anyone I know and I love her for it.

Juxtapose this with a woman I knew 7 years ago who was divorced, bitter and lashed out at every person she met with venom. When she wasn't complaining about how terrible her life was she was busy ruining the lives of those around her. She proved to me that bitterness is cancer of the soul.

I don't have to ask myself which one I want to be.

Around 1:00pm today I hung my head at my desk and began to cry. I thought to myself, "I can't." Then I took a deep breath. And another. I lifted my head and said, "I can." And I did.

Praise God! I am not a quitter anymore.

And while I wish I didn't have to walk through so many valleys to come to this place in my life, I know that I would not be the same person without them.

The Mind vs. The Brain

The brain is an amazing organ. It is the command center of the body. Without it we would die.

The mind is something else entirely. When I say "mind" I refer to conscious mental activity. In other words, the way an individual feels, perceives, thinks, wills and especially reasons.

We cannot order the brain(i.e. tell it to stop our heart or lungs from functioning) but we can direct the mind.

The brain is a very powerful organ. It's neural pathways are designed to preserve our lives. Take, for instance, the fight or flight response. When we experience anxiety or fear our brain automatically tells our heart to begin to beat faster. If you are in the process of being mugged you will have a heightened response to run or fight back, even if you give up your possessions willingly. If you are in a movie theater watching the hero get mugged the mind will reason with the brain that everything is really okay.

I have been reading a book called "The Addicted Brain" by Michael Kuhar. He is a neuroscientist who has studied addiction for many years and is renowned in his field. He says this:

"Even after we stop taking drugs, they influence our actions for a long time, for many months or even years. They want you to continue to feed them by taking more and more drugs. Part of the power of the demons is that they reside in powerful brain systems. These brain systems have to be powerful because they have a big job, such as keeping us fit and surviving. The long life and the power of the demons make them formidable enemies, but we are not alone or helpless. Treatment and rehab centers help us regain control of our lives. The same demons seem to apply to other addictions--gambling, carbohydrates, sex and the Internet. ... Changing our behaviors and habits in constructive ways thwarts the demons."

Dr. Kuhar seems to think that even when we program our brains toward addiction(whether it be to drugs, food or even sex) we have the capacity to stop via our will. He even showed scans of brains before, during and after drug use and how they change. He holds out hope that medications can be derived to speed up the rehabilitation process(helping fix damaged or broken neural pathways) but until then urges readers to participate in traditional therapies(AA, Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous).

This is very powerful to me because it says there is hope for the addict. Changing habits can impart permanent change but one must make a conscious decision to act toward self preservation.

"There is abundant evidence that dopamine is associated with fundamentally important actions, such as food intake and mating. ... decades of scientific work has shown that these dopamine-containing neurons are involved in many functions surrounding feeding and sexual behavior. ... A few experimental findings can be mentioned to support this. Food intake is associated with a release of dopamine in the nucleus accumbens, a place in the brain involved in addiction."

I have heard people say, "I can't lose weight" because of physical limitations. But most of us, unless we are paralyzed from the neck down, have the ability to put calories into our bodies via our mouths. It is a proven scientific fact that if you consume fewer calories than your body needs to function, you will lose weight. So what they are really saying is, "I choose not to lose weight."

This is oversimplified of course because as I learned in this book, the brain works against me by trying to preserve my life. This is why it is so difficult to lose weight or break any kind of addiction and why so few people are successful at it.

I have no interest in tooting my own horn. If you knew me personally you would understand the challenges I have faced in confronting my body and willing it to change. I am simply trying to understand why change is so difficult in the hopes that I can help others as they take the path towards living a healthier lifestyle. In essence, I want you to be successful in making permanent lifestyle changes, i.e. losing weight, and never regaining it again. It is counterintuitive to lose weight and regain it, yet people do it all the time.

The brain is a powerful organ but I would argue the mind is stronger still. Some people call this "will power". Others call it motivation. My motivation was and is simple. I did not want to be fat. I don't ever want to be fat again. I have promised myself I will do everything within my power to stay healthy, no matter what my brain tells me.

Compulsion and the Inescapable Desire to Eat Continually

I am currently in San Diego enjoying sunshine, warmer weather and fellowship with a dear friend. I have been here three days and already the time has proved refreshing and precious. Every moment is a blessing and I cannot begin to think about leaving. Today was rich in that I met my friend's, friend. Stephanie is a beautiful woman who encouraged me by telling me I am a strong person. I don't always feel strong and I explained why. She told me that maybe it would help others if I shared my struggles. I will attempt to transcribe part of the conversation we had today.

Compulsion is defined by Mirriam Webster's dictionary as "an irresistible persistent impulse to perform an act (as excessive hand washing); also: the act itself."

When I say I am a food addict, I mean that I want to eat all the time. Food is usually at the forefront of my mind. When I do manage to block out thoughts of it I am inevitably distracted by some beautiful food that comes across my path. For instance, at Christmas I was taking papers to my boss and passed by filing cabinets that had cookies on them. These cookies were the prettiest cookies I have ever seen. They were Christmas trees with green icing and multi-colored ornaments. Without thinking, I picked up the cookies and stuffed them into a napkin and carried them back to my desk. I looked at the pretty cookies for not more than 30 minutes before deciding I had to eat them rather than take them home to my family. Then I somehow convinced myself that I would not eat any other "bad" things that day. This is compulsive behavior. Had I not seen the cookies I would not have craved them or desired them. But once seen, I grabbed without even thinking because they were extremely attractive to me. I have built walls to protect me from many foods in the grocery store and instinctively walk away without compulsively grabbing but when I see something out of the ordinary that is flashy or particularly desireable, I grab, eat, and deal with the consequences later.

This is probably fairly normal behavior for people who have a sweet tooth. At least this is what people tell me. But here's the tricky part, the thing that makes this food addiction so entirely miserable. If I leave the pretty cookie and don't eat it I will think about the great loss of the uneaten cookie for the rest of the day. I will actually grieve the cookie if I don't eat it. If I do eat it I will regret it all day. The point I am trying to make is I often feel like I lose either way. And the cookie is just one example of the many things I have eaten/not eaten, that torture me hourly. I say hourly because the feeling of wanting rarely leaves me. This is why I thought losing weight was impossible. I felt that even if I resisted food it would haunt me forever. I thought being thin would mean a miserable me always wanting and never finding relief.

But this is not entirely true. Once I discovered sugar as a trigger and began to cut it out of my diet, I began to learn that if I did not eat certain foods I did not crave them. This same rule applies to fast food, soda, ice cream and chips. In fact, many processed foods hold no sway with me now. It's the compulsion that kills me. If I see it and decide I want to have a little treat, then I begin the sugar cycle all over again. Knowing this truth about my body helps me to be wise if only I can resist the compulsion to grab pretty foods when they present themselves.

Stephanie made a very good suggestion today. She said, "When food screams your name, go walk somewhere for 20 minutes and pray instead of eating it." I thought it was a very good suggestion but not always practical. Usually the food is right outside my cube at work and I have to keep working so I can't walk away. In essence, I am continually inundated with food temptations. One thing that works for me is memorizing scripture. I may not be able to control the temptation but I can control my response to it if I am intentional about it. I will admit it often takes a lot of will power and determination but obviously it is not impossible. I have lost 140 pounds over the course of nearly 3 years by using these methods, therefore I know they work for me.

No one ever said life would be easy. Everyone has something they struggle with. My desire for food is a burden when I let it become a burden. But when I give it to Jesus, when I ask him to give me strength to resist temptation, he does. I don't claim to understand it. I only know he helps me supernaturally. Also, I have educated myself on eating foods that satisfy me wholly. Strawberries, raisins, sweet potatoes. These foods satisfy my cravings for sweet things yet nourish my body in a way that eliminates cravings. And water. Water is my biggest weapon because when I drink it I defeat the dehydration that feigns hunger.

I'm sure I'll write more about this topic in days to come but for now I'm going to sit back and soak in ocean air. I'm going to enjoy the warm weather for 2 more days, and then I shall return to Missouri to endure winter's last gasp. I am thankful today for many things, but most of all for Jesus who has walked with me on this journey to better health and has heard my cries of hopelessness and who has loved me even when my belly was full of cookie dough and I felt like the biggest failure on the planet.

I am blessed.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

When I was a child I used to dream that one day I would grow up and be beautiful. I often felt like the ugliest child in my class. I was often told how odd I was and I tended to be a tomboy. I liked hiking in the woods and catching frogs. I enjoyed playing soccer. But I will never forget that moment at church camp where a boy asked me, "Are you a girl or a boy?" He was serious. And it stung.

When I reached highschool I carried a lot of that baggage with me. I desperately wanted to fit in and look like the other girls. Some of the hairstyles I tried make me cringe to this day. But the one thing I never could manage was looking thin. I remember drinking slimfast shakes for lunch and doing low impact aerobics in a mad attempt to be thin and "beautiful." I remember losing 20 pounds and feeling great, only to gain it back within a few months and feel horrible about myself. It still makes me sick that I was more worried about what I looked like than learning.

I went to Homecoming my Sophmore year with my friends and dressed up in a beautiful dress my mother picked out for me at Dilliards. I felt so special in that black dress. I liked it because it hid my lumpy belly and thighs and was covered with ruffles. It was the perfect dancing dress because I could twirl around and all the ruffles would flow out around me. For that one night I felt special.

Since I have grown up I have learned that my self worth does not come from what I look like. My children love me whether I have makeup on or not. Which is a great thing because I really only wear it to work. My husband loves me even when I pull my hair back in a ponytail and lounge around in decades old jammies. Real love looks at the heart, not at the dress size.

If there is one thing I could teach women today it would be "Stop worrying over what you look like and just be who you are." But this is easier said than done when marketing companies are so focussed on diminishing our self worth in order to sell us a product we "need" to look "beautiful."

A friend told me recently that she loves my beautiful heart. It is probably the best compliment I have received in years. No matter what I look like on the outside, as long as my heart is beautiful, that's all that matters to me. My body is aging. Pieces of me sag and I am starting to see silver sprinkled throughout my hair. But I am learning to love the worry lines on my face. They give me character. They tell a story I don't want to destroy with cosmetic surgery.

When I first set out to get healthy I knew I wanted to lose weight. But I also knew I needed to address the heart issues that had plagued me for years. I felt worthless, inadequate and weak. So much of this had to do with my size. How I wish I could go back and tell myself that no matter what size I was, I was still the same person inside. Skin deep beauty is no beauty at all.

I will never look like a model. I will never wear a size 6 dress. I will probably always have chunky thighs. And I'm okay with all those things. My body is a temporary dwelling place. And while I do feel it is important to take care of it, my whole self worth should not be determined by what it looks like at any given moment. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, rather, let everyone see my beautiful heart.

I am learning to love myself and that is one of the most challenging projects I have ever undertaken. But it is well worth the journey.

I don't know why I saved that dress from highschool but I did. For some reason I couldn't bear to part with it. I recently pulled it out and dusted it off. Then I made my 15 year old son, who is a Sophmore in highschool, take my picture in it. It fits a little differently but it fit nonetheless. As I stood and posed I thought, this is just a dress, nothing more, nothing less. For that matter, I feel just as good in my workout clothes. It reminded me that inside I am not who I was back then. And while I am extremely proud of fitting back into it, I know my current size does not define who I am. But what really stuns me is this. I am the same size I was my Sophmore year in highschool. Back then I thought I was the fattest and ugliest girl alive. But today, at that same size, I know I am just as beautiful as I was back then. And that is something to be pround of.

The Sultan of Swagger or The Matron of Malarchy?

Let me begin by saying yesterday was purely dreadful. I felt like Br'er Rabbit after his fight with the tar baby. If you haven't read that story, you should. There were no winners. But the thing about bad days is, they eventually end and the sun comes up and we get to start over.

And today was glorious! Although it was a little humid I didn't complain. It was the first time in what felt like many moons that my bones weren't frozen solid and I was feeling bouncy. I hopped up my hills with Br'er Rabbit's energy and thought warm, Springy thoughts. While walking I thought about how good it is to be alive, and how lucky I am to be mobile and mostly carefree. After my shower I moved to put pants on and discovered they were a little big. This would put anyone in a good mood but to me, that's as good as winning the lottery.

So I stuffed my youngest beast-let into the car and we raced off to the babysitter and whammo! Red light. And another. And another. We hit every single red light on the way. But I was still in a good mood and I just kept bopping along thinking, nothing is going to rain on this parade. And then I hit traffic on the highway. So I'm sitting there under an overpass, blaring some 90's grunge music and thinking, "This is the life. Sitting in traffic, listening to my favorite singer who died from a heroin overdose wail, while I wait to be late for work. This is great! I love my life." I was so happy I began to wonder if the exhaust pipe in my car was clogged.

I finally arrived at work, 30 minutes late, and my boss, who is supposed to be in a meeting at another campus greets me, "Good morning, Margaret." And a song starts to play in my mind.... "It's a pretty good day and I'm looking forward to tomorrow." Because sometimes my life runs on a soundtrack. I don't know why.

And then I see him. No, not my boss. Another guy. Let's call him The Sultan of Swagger. He's cocked back in a chair, wearing his winningest smirk all the while pontificating about "the business." And it's not what he's saying, but how he's saying it that catches my attention. His shoulders are relaxed, his neck is loose, and by the way his shoulders move as he speaks I know that he knows everything about anything. He is just one smooth guy.

Juxtapose this with me making my morning trip to the restroom to make sure my underwear isn't showing because I forgot a belt(baggy pants, remember?) In there I meet a coifed and casual woman who gives me the standard "How are you today?" greeting.

I should have said fine and moved one. But instead replied, "I'm feeling a little Annie-ish this morning."

"Pardon me?" She says.

"I'm feeling a bit like Little Orphan Annie this morning." I say. "You know, (and I begin to sing with exagerated arm movement) It's a hard knock life for us…" (because as I mentioned earlier it's humid and now that my hair is dry I feel that I look like a grown up version of the sunny little red haired girl, even though I don't have red hair).

My co-worker says, "You're cute."

Which is exactly what I want to be in the work place. Not Professional, but Cute.

Back to The Sultan. He is new in our area and in reality knows very little about anything. But you would never know this to have a conversation with him because he is so self-confident he could impress a donkey. And for one fleeting moment I wonder if I should be more like him. I mean, I could hold my shoulders that way and cock my head to the side and give off quirky little grins. I could nod my head and use big words. People might even look at me and say, "Look at Margaret. She is one professional lady."

Alas, that is not who I am, but sometimes I like to think I can swagger. Usually it comes off as more of a goofy grin, wherein my nose crinkles and my eyes get lopsided and I end up looking like a reject from an episode of Seinfeld, but that's not the point. It's the attitude that counts. Even if I am just the Matron of Malarchy, when I walk down the hall I hear "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Jees and I am every bit as cool as John Travolta was over 30 years ago. And that's saying something.

I may never be rich. I may never be glamorous. I may never find the cure for the saggy baggy tummy. BUT give me a warm day filled with sunshine, and the satisfaction of knowing I did the very best I could(even in adverse circumstances) and I am one happy girl. Sometimes we have to experience the bad days to really appreciate the good ones. Even if the reason my pants were too big was because I accidentally picked them out of the pile of clothes I slimmed out of months ago.

Cravings

There are times when I am like a runaway train careening out of control. The bridge is out and the breaks are burned up. I can only stare in absolute horror as I crash into the abyss. This is how intense my physical cravings are. These moments come because I have indulged in sugar more than I ought and I have to start the cycle of weaning myself from it again. These are not simple, "I want a snack" cravings. These are, "I need a chocolate faucet with unlimited access" cravings. Today the cravings are amplified by work stress which has turned them into Gargantuan Cravings of Doom. Meaning, it's probably only a matter of time before I give in. Which leaves me feeling helpless, hopeless and utterly broken. I have been reading a book called "The Addicted Brain." I am learning a great deal about addiction and beginning to understand why I use food to calm myself. I have used food this way since I was a child and fighting against it is a brutal and bloody battle. I lose many battles but I continue to fight the war, and probably will until the day I die. Reading this book is helping me to understand that I am not fundamentally flawed. Sure, some of my "need" for relief is psychological but I am utterly relieved to know that much of it is physical. Dr. Michael Kuhar says "Research has taught us how drugs and other pleasures affect the brain. It turns out that drugs, gambling, Internet use, and chocolate all affect the brain in similar ways. The importance of this discovery extends well beyond knowing about drug abuse and pleasure; it impacts on ethics and morality, the nature of the brain as a survival organ, the evolution of the brain, and the good, the bad, and the ugly of human nature." This war is not for weenies. I am not a failure, even when I give in to the cravings. I am human. Today is a day where I try really hard to limit myself to foods I know won't trigger impulse eating but also satisfy my "need" for something sweet. At lunch I thoroughly enjoyed my orange. It's kind of hard to overeat an orange. And I have my other crutch, Trident Sugar free gum, which I can chew to my heart's content. I may be inhabiting a smaller body now, but the war is the same today and every day. My encouragement comes from knowing I am forgiven when I overeat. I am not condemned. God loves me just as I am. I don't have to beat myself up, I just need to be diligent and forward thinking. I also know that if I resist the cravings I can get past them. If I go without sugar for at least 3 days, the cravings subside and go away. I just have to get over that hump. It's hard to break the cycle but Christmas is over and all the goodies are gone. I am tempted to stop by the store and refuel but that would be counterproductive. Because here's the deal… I am master of this ship. I have a choice to indulge or deny. And today, I deny. Because I know the cycle. I know I can get over the hump. I choose triumph over tragedy, hope over despair, forgiveness over hate. And while I hate these cravings and what they represent, they also give me courage. Because if I'm fighting, that means I haven't given up.

What's My Motivation?

People frequently tell me they just don't have the motivation to get in shape. I've heard all the excuses.

"I don't have time."
"I can't give up soda."
"I just don't feel like working out."

I used to think healthy people were stupid. Well, I didn't really think they were stupid, I just hated them. I mean, what kind of lunatic would work out where there is a perfectly comfortable couch and Felicity to watch? Those super crazy healthy people were all bouncy and peppy and smiley. Like, why would I ever want to be like that? I liked my depressed state. I was all moody and mysterious and dark and twisty (like Meredith from Grey's Anatomy).

So why did I feel all dead inside? Why was I embarassed to go out in public? Why did I feel like a constant failure? I won't go into all the details about how poorly I felt about myself. I liked to rationalize my choices. I lived the way I wanted to live, until I didn't want to live that way anymore.

So this is what I need to start telling people who say, "I don't have any motivation." I need to say, "It's your life. Live the way you want to live. If you like being fat, stay fat. Eat unlimited Doritoes and Orea Cookies. I know they're yummy. Enjoy!"

But for those of you who do want to get in shape and change your life, just do it! Here's how I roll.

I am really struggling with the cold weather. I can't seem to put on enough layers to warm me for walks outside. I want to run but since the orthopedic doctor told me I have damaged cartilage in my left hip, I can't. It makes me sad and cranky, but I just can't. So, I pouted for a minute and then moved on. Some days I just can't wrap my mind around pretending to be a hamster. I mean, my elliptical machine is da bomb but no amount of JOY fm can get me through it. Today I woke up and saw pink clouds from my kitchen window. Pinks clouds mean the sun is shining! I was so excited I started to get like those stupid healthy, peppy people.

I put on layer after layer after layer of clothes and two pairs of socks. I plugged into my tunes and took off out of the front door. And it was COLD! And I had the same thought I have every morning I step outside in the winter. "I'm going back in!"

But I didn't. I kept walking because I know that about half way through my walk I'm going to warm up and get a burst of energy. When my heart rate speeds up, I get a happy feeling that starts in my toes and radiates out through my fingers. I love that feeling. So you ask, what's my motivation? I feel GREAT when I work out. I'm not always in a good mood, don't mistake me, but my endorphins activate my brain and it is wonderful.

I started working out because I wanted to lose a chunk of weight. I hated it for a long time. It was a chore. But somewhere along the way I fell in love with it. Walking, running, cycling, roller skating... I love it! I frequently listen to my audio Bible. With no distractions I can absorb the words. I downloaded it for $7.50. Amazing! And the very best thing about my workouts is it is usually the only time I get to myself.

So here's the thing, since I had to give up running it's hard for me to get my heart rate up like I used to. So instead of pouting, I decided to do fist pumps. Fist pumps to the front, fist pumps to the sky and flappy wing fist pumps to the side. Passersby give me the funniest looks and you know what I say, "Hello! How are you today?"

And you know what they say? "Hi."

And then they get that look, the one that says they think I'm some kind of crazy, healthy, peppy, person. And you know what? I can live with that.

Death By Chocolate

If chocolate is the color of temptation, color me chocolate. Chocolate ice cream, chocolate krinkle cookies, Godiva chocolate truffles. If my children were chocolate, I'd eat them. Considering all the chocolate I ate during my pregnancies, it's amazing they aren't. Over the holidays I had difficulty saying no to all of the goodies in the office. I did really well at first. People would offer me cookies and I would take 4, tuck them in my lunch box and take them home to my snack deprived family. (they constantly tell me we don't have enough snacks in the house and this is my way to reward them—though for what I'm not sure.) Then one day, a beautiful Christmas Tree cookie asked to be mine, all mine, and I ate one. Then three. It was not a national tragedy, but close. Cookies are one of my trigger foods. Once I start eating them it's all over. But I didn't eat the chocolate. Instead, I began collecting it and tucking it away in my desk drawer. Every time I saw a goodie box, I grabbed a piece. I reasoned that I might *need* it for a rainy day. There is now a veritable gold mine of chocolate in my desk at work.

There is comfort in knowing this treasure trove is near. But why? If it does rain, will the chocolate make the rain stop? I have read that there are chemicals in chocolate that stimulate the serotonin levels in the brain. These are the chemicals that elevate mood. So is that why I'm keeping it? In case my mood gets low? I will admit my boss also has a chocolate addiction so when he asks me for a fix I am able to oblige. It is definitely important to elevate the serotonin in my boss's brain. But I digress.

If chocolate is my salvation, then how did I get so heavy eating it? Could it be that chocolate is another lie? Oh, dear.

Early on in my journey I mentioned to my friend Becky that I could not imagine life without chocolate. She turned me onto dark chocolate. She said, "Just have one piece. It is difficult to eat mass amounts of dark chocolate because it is more bitter than milk chocolate. She was right. I promptly renounced milk chocolate for the rest of my life. Now when I am craving something chocolatey, I treat myself with a piece of the dark stuff.

So when I bought milk chocolate for Christmas stockings I promised I would not eat it and tucked it away in the pantry. I ignored that chocolate for over a month…and then we ran out of cookies(that's another story). Last night my husband found me in bed, cuddled up with my Kindle and *gasp* the bag of Hershey Mint Kisses. He had eaten most of them but there were a few(over 20) left and I lost control. I ate them all. He stood over me like a dictator whose portrait has been vandalized with red paint and I was holding a dripping brush. "Are you going to eat ALL THAT CANDY?!"

Gulp.

I clutched the bag with an iron grip. "Yes and you just try to pry it from my cold, dead, hand."

I am not proud.

I obviously still have a lot to learn about discipline. The first definition that comes up in Merriam Webster's online dictionary is "Punishment." But that's not how I perceive it. I like the fourth definition better: "training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character."

Today, I am refocusing on correcting bad behavior. I am repeating a Bible passage I memorized in December, Titus 2:11-15, because it reminds me to train myself to renounce worldly passions and to live a self-controlled and godly life. God sees me under the covers with my chocolate stash. I am not hidden. And to help hold myself accountable, I am sharing here as well.

 

And if anyone is interested in my work chocolate stash, I will release my death grip and donate it to a worthy cause.

People react to my weight loss like I'm an enigma. To me, the person who has 100+ pounds to lose and the person who has 20 pounds to lose are no different. The same principals apply. Eat less, move more. Everyone knows if you eat less and move more you will lose weight. But permanent change requires a permanent change in your mindset. This is probably the biggest hurdle anyone with a significant amount of weight to lose faces. Most people look at changing their diet as synonymous with Chinese Water Torture. You can survive it, but why would you want to endure it? The simple answer is that you just have to want it bad enough. Yes,I know change is never easy.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. For some people, simply cutting out one dessert a day and starting an exercise program is a wonderful beginning. My first step was not small but that was intentional. I was so sick of my lifestyle that I knew I needed to make a big change. Several months into my journey I read that it is not wise to cut sugar out of your diet all at once. In fact, the doctor who wrote that book said anyone who cuts the sugar out all at once will fail. Oops. But cutting the sugar helped cut my appetite and I was able to relearn how to eat. I remember drinking milk and realizing it was sweet. Who'd a thunk it? Suddenly eating fruit and drinking milk was wonderful. I'm not usually crazy about salads but I fell in love with stir fried vegetables. So basically, my love affair with food continued but I learned to eat the kinds that didn't clog my arteries.

My biggest challenge was exercise. I have always hated to exercise. So when I resolved to start walking it was pure torture. I will never forget my first trip around the block. I could barely breathe. It was excrutiating. But I decided not to focus on the pain of walking but rather on the beauty around me. I took my children and passed the time by talking about our day. I enjoyed the bright sunshine and fresh air. At first I could only walk about 15 minutes but slowly I built up my endurance and was able to move for 30 and then 45 minutes. I made it a goal to walk every day and I really came to look forward to those walks. That was "me" time and nothing took precident over it. Today I enjoy exercise. It is the best part of my day. I love how I feel when I get my heart rate up. I feel like I can fly. Even on those days when I'm tired I try to push through because I know I will feel better when it is over.

I also had an accountability partner. When the going got tough I would call her and she would talk me down off the ledge. What a blessing she was! Becky will never really know the important part she played in my transformation. Good friends are an invaluable part of permanent change. 5 months into my journey a friend at work wanted to help celebrate my birthday. He brought in a sugar free angel food cake covered with berries. I had to cry. His unwavering support made me feel like I could do anything.

The biggest thing I have learned during my journey is that when I fail, I have to forgive myself. I know I'm going to have bad days. I'm going to eat things I shouldn't and over indulge. I'm going to skip a workout. Life happens! But that doesn't mean my life is over. One bad choice does not necessitate another. Every day is a new day--a new opportunity--ripe with possibility.

Everyone must choose how they want to live their life. I didn't want to carry around that extra weight for the rest of my life and then I took that first step. You can too!

Impossibilities

Each day I wake up I can't believe how amazing my life is. I have a great job with an amazing boss, three beautiful and healthy children, a spouse who consents to live with me even though we both know I'm crazy, and a body I would kill for. Let me rephrase that, I did kill for it. Hello, my name is Margaret and I am guilty of murdering the old me.

That is me on the right with my brother and sister back in the Spring of 2010. When my sister posted this picture on the internet I died a small death. I was humiliated. This picture forced me to face a truth about myself I was unwilling to acknowledge. I was morbidly obese. 310 pounds to be exact.

Have you ever needed something so badly that you let it take complete control of your life? And even though you knew it was ruining you, you still couldn't stop? I hope you don't know how that feels because it is miserable. There are many cliches I could insert at this point but I won't. I'll only say that moving was difficult at best. I used my children to fetch things for me because it was so hard to get up. I accepted my life because I knew I couldn't change. I knew I was wholly addicted to food and I could not wrap my mind around living without the foods I loved. I used to say life wasn't worth living without {insert specific food item}. And that's just the way it was.

And then one day someone called me out. They decided not to pretend I wasn't heavy. They told me I was less than a person because of my weight. And it hurt. A lot. And I was very angry. I was angry at the person but I was also angry at me. I knew that even though I ate everything I wanted I was still empty inside. Food did not fill the void. It only left me wanting more. So I decided to try to lose weight. I knew I lacked discipline so I prayed that God would teach me how to discipline myself. I wanted to change the way I lived my life--not just how I ate--though that is where I started. I embarked on the impossible journey never imagining I would succeed but knowing I had to try.

How do you face your worst enemy when your worst enemy is yourself? I know someone who likes to say that fat people should just stop eating. It's so easy, right? Well that person had to live with me for the first 30 days I vowed to stop eating sugar. I went through tremendous withdrawals for 2 weeks and was completely miserable. Oh, and I also gave up eating fast food and high fat food at the same time. That was fun. I remember sitting in my cube at work crying because I refused to allow myself a homemade chocolate chip cookie one of my co-workers brought in. It seems silly, doesn't it? Crying over cookies. But that's how serious it was and still is. Oh, did I forget to mention that I'm still addicted to food and always will be? Food is my drug of choice.

But I made a decision not to give up. I realized my behavior was sin and made a conscious decision not to sin with my body any longer. I put a verse up in my kitchen over the sink and memorized it.

Romans 6:12-14. "Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin as intruments of wickedness but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. For sin shall not be your master because you are not under law but under grace."

I wanted to be set free, but being free meant dying to the old me. The good news is, God did set me free. This is me today.

To date I have lost 135 pounds. I didn't go on a diet. I changed my life.

This blog is about my journey to better health. I still struggle to maintain the weight I have lost and I continue to fight my addiction to food. But even on my worst days, when I cave in and eat things I know are bad for me, I know what I knew when I began; food will never fill the void. It will never make me happy. The only difference between me now and me then is this simple fact, I no longer believe the lie that losing weight is impossible. I no longer believe the lie that I cannot fight my flesh.

My name is Margaret and I am a food addict redeemed by the grace of God.