Never Say Diet

I had great fun over the holidays but Monday hit with a hard clash and sent me trudging back to the office. I forgot my breakfast. I forgot my jewelry. I even forgot the password to my workstation. That is how thoroughly I checked out of work. While working through the piles of email today, I felt my mind drift to the great books I read over my break. I love vacation for reading. I feel like I learned a lot and had fun. So I decided to share all my learning's with you, my humble readers.

I found a cookbook at the thrift shop titled, "The Never Say Diet Cookbook" by Richard Simmons. It is arguably the best reading cookbook I have ever picked up. In fact, I stayed up way past bedtime last night to continue reading. That man has more personality in his pinky than I do in my rumpus and that's saying something. Yes, Mr. Simmons seems like a wacky weirdo who sells cheesy workout tapes and hams it up for the camera. But in reality he totally gets the weight loss conundrum we all face and shows us how to practically live a healthy lifestyle. He calls it the "Live-it" instead of a "Diet" because he intends for the reader to stay on this life-plan for, well, life. His main points are eat less and exercise. But he has some very funny anecdotal quips:

When introducing you to meats he says"

"I sure hope you like chicken because chicken likes you."

When going through things you will need in the kitchen:

"This is your sink. Your sink is your friend. You wash your fruits and veggies here. The sink is your baptismal font where you will start your Live-It life anew." (this had me cracking up!)

And then he takes you through how to clean out your fridge and freezer.

"Now let's look up in the freezer. Oh my God, no! Frozen Milky Ways? Three different kinds of ice cream? A Sara Lee pound cake? Hawaiian Punch popsicles? I can't believe my eyes, TV dinners? Well, excuse me, folks, we've obviously taken you into an X-rated freezer."

He does a whole stint on your new morning routines with pictures of stretches(remember leotards?) And then cinched it with this quip about morning snack breaks:

"I'm cleaning up this town, and you are on my hit list. That means I'm going to come over and personally hit you if I see you put one more crumb to your mouth between breakfast and lunch."

Can I just admit it? I love Richard Simmons. Everything he writes makes complete and total sense. I love his "I don't count calories" approach and truly wish I had run across this book and its predecessor earlier in my journey. My only beef with the cookbook is his approach to low-fat meals. I have never bought into the low-fat craze and until only recently loved to eat my share of whole milk dairy products. I do love that in the early 1980's he was promoting whole grain pastas, long before they were popular. Oh, and the recipes look fantastic!

The other book I have been reading is called "Grain Brain" by David Perlmutter. I don't know if I can adequately put into words how I feel about this book. Part of me still thinks a dairy free/gluten free lifestyle is for kooky health nuts. But most of what Dr. Perlmutter presents by way of various medical studies makes complete and total sense to me. His correlation between whole body health and brain inflammation is startling(a word he uses quite frequently). I started reading this book after I began my little experiment with cutting out dairy and gluten and much of what he writes seems applicable to me. He recommends a diet high in (healthy) fats and low in gluten and carbohydrates. And while I think studies can be biased, in my humble opinion, the research presented in this book definitely addresses rise of gluten intolerance in the American population, among other things.

Here are a few things I have learned from this book:

1) Alzheimer's is preventable via dietary changes early in life.

2) Cholesterol is a critical brain nutrient essential for the functions of neurons. (what does this say about low-cholesterol diets? Are we starving our brains with low-cholesterol diets?)

3) Food sensitivities(and resulting inflammation) are usually a response from the immune system.

4) Sugar is Toxic(wait-I already knew that!)

5) Brain Inflammation can cause anxiety, depression, seizures, and migraines(among many other things).

So this book is not really just about grain, but about preventing disease in general. I find it extremely informative with a lot of facts(by way of studies) to back up the information presented. More importantly, the information just makes sense to me as I work towards conquering my food addiction.

When not obsessing about living a healthy lifestyle,(the other 10 minutes of my day) I have read several novels. I love a good fiction book. I picked up Ella Enchanted, by Gail Carson Levine which was fabulous, and The Impossible Lives of Greta Wells, by Andrew Sean Greer. With so much good fiction on the market I find myself completely satisfied. Now if only I could finish my book.

One other random tidbit of note: Trader Joe's is awesome. I've seen people go on about this chain and I never bought into the hype. I am utterly sold. I discovered their Simply Lite gluten free/dairy free/sugar free 50% cacao bar and fell in love. They have so many amazing products that fit my lifestyle and it makes me so happy. I especially love their coconut chips. So even while abstaining from cookies, pies and other various holiday desserts, I was completely happy and not at all deprived.

Once I try one of the Richard Simmons recipes I will post the recipe with pictures. And you may hear more about Grain Brain as I'm only 62% of the way though(God bless Kindle which enables me to read while riding the elliptical of doom!)

Happy Monday, y'all!

Happy Post Christmas

So, let's be honest, how many of you are suffering from gorged stomach syndrome? I don't know what that is. I totally made it up. But I would define it as stuffing my stomach so full I can feel it in my esophagus. I totally did that over the holidays. The good news is, I stuffed myself mainly with veggies, protein and fruit. I have not eaten one Christmas cookie, though I did enjoy baking them for my friends and family. I did eat cake at work but after it made me very ill that was the end of my sugar binge. I have managed to lose a few pounds over the month of December and I don't feel deprived of anything. I don't say all of this to rub it in anyone's face. I only want to point out that it is possible to eat right, exercise and not gain weight over the holidays.

But I have good news for those of you who weren't so fortunate. If you picked up a few pounds or simply want to change your lifestyle, it's not too late! You can quite literally start eating right and exercising right now. So stop the pity party, pick up your feet and dance!

Okay, so maybe I got a little carried away here. I found this dress at the thrift store and couldn't resist it. I know I have no place to wear it so I put it on Christmas Day and walked around the house and pretended I was a princess. Best Christmas gift to myself ever!

Also, one of my good friends came into town over the holidays and we had the good fortune(and timing) to get to work out together. We walked 4.6 miles through beautiful Ferguson, MO and caught up on each other's lives. It was one of my holiday highlights. She, like many, struggle with finding motivation to eat right and exercise. Living a healthy lifestyle is as important as you make it. If you don't make it a priority, it won't be. I know my friend will find her way and I wish her every success!

I have thoroughly enjoyed the holidays. I loved the time spent with my family. I loved reminiscing on what Christmas means to me personally...Jesus made flesh. I enjoyed my week of vacation(no work!) I will head back to work on Monday but this year there will be no January blues. I am still sticking with my dairy/gluten free diet and am battling depression no more. Today I am extremely grateful that God has set me free from my addictions. So as Phil Robertson would say, I truly am, happy happy happy!

Christmas is Coming!

I have been very consumed with holiday preparations. For the first time in maybe ever, I started Christmas shopping early. Granted, early for me is 3 weeks prior to Christmas. I also baked 6 kinds of Christmas cookies. I have been filled with joy as I give them to my friends and co-workers. Next week I get to share them with my family. Am I evil for gifting these sweet treats? I have decided I am not.

This past weekend was the first of several family get-togethers. We had a snow delay when a storm hit Missouri on Saturday and I was sad that several relatives were not able to attend on Sunday. It was so nice to see my aunts, uncles and cousins. The whole time I was there I had this feeling of indelible warmth and security. I thought about how these people are constants in my life. They have shaped who I am. We don't only share genetics, we share history and beautiful memories. My aunts seem as beautiful to me now as they did when I was 12. And their kindness seems to know no bounds. I hope that when I grow up I am 1/5th as wonderful as they are.

In the past my holidays were fraught with worries over irresistible desserts. Not this year. My dairy and gluten free diet give me the peace to say no to all wonder of goodies. And I honestly don't feel like I'm missing out. If anything, I feel unencumbered by the weight of worry and guilt so that I can more fully enjoy myself. I am filled with joy and peace, and Christmas isn't even here yet!

I would like to share one picture from Sunday. I was able to see my cousin, Jake, who is home on leave from the Air Force. When I saw him in the flesh I was so proud and humbled that I just hugged him and then asked to have my picture taken with him. It feels like he is a celebrity. He has been stationed in Alaska for the past year and is now headed off to other exotic countries. I am praying for his safe return!

If it sounds like I've fallen off the wagon with my workouts, I haven't. If anything I am enjoying running outside more than ever! I feel stronger and healthier than I have in my whole life. So while I celebrate the birth of Jesus while enjoying the company of my family and friends, I am so grateful for the gift of good health. I never for one day take it for granted.

Don't be Such a Show Off!

The past several days have been unseasonably warm. That would be great except they have been gray, humid and well, kind-of gross. It's not like spring, where there is the hope of 70's and green grass. It's December. I personally feel December should be cold(not too cold) and snowy(which should melt within 2 days). December should NOT be humid and warm.

So when I peeled myself from my bed this morning, grumpy and sullen, I felt a distinct sense of, "I don't want to go to work today. I want to stay home and sulk." And why shouldn't I? I could skip my workout. I could turn on Lifetime television. I could wear soft fuzzy pants(they make me happy) and eat raisins and chocolate all day. No one would have to know. Because some days the only person I feel accountable to is me and I'm not in the mood to lead. Today, I would rather be a slacker.

But….(and it's a big butt!)…

My crazy, healthy, evil twin was not having any of that today. She put me in my place and said, "Hey, you! Lazy buns! It's 50 degrees outside in December and I don't care how gray and gloomy it is. Get your booty out there and move!" Yes, I do talk to myself and listen, I've never pretended to be sane. If you want normal, visit another blog.

So I turned on my favorite tunes(this morning it was the book of Hebrews) and marched up my street and into the great wide open.

While my crazy, healthy, evil twin whipped me into shape I humbly obeyed. For I really am a weak-willed, lazy, sugar-fiend. She had me jogging(when I wanted to walk) and pumping my arms when I wanted to flop in the middle of the street in rebellion. But when I completed my first mile, I started to feel like maybe she did have my best interests at heart.

Then it started to drizzle. Sweat and rain dripped into my eyes and I realized I was hot. Except these facts did not make me cranky, they ramped up my determination to show that crazy, healthy, evil twin how strong I really am.

All of this to say, something really cool happens to your body when you push yourself. It's not just physical, though endorphins are really awesome. It's emotional and spiritual too. Disciplining one's body by forcing it to do something it doesn't inherently want to do, gives you a feeling of accomplishment. By making yourself do something difficult, you begin to realize it bears fruit. How, you ask? Well, taking control of your life by harnessing your body is one of the most difficult things you will ever do in your life. Walking up that hill might take your breath away the first few times, but on the 5th trip, when you make it to the top without gasping for air or clinging to the curb, a light bulb will go off in your brain. You will say, "Hey, I didn't think I could do that but I can. Holy mother of Moses! I am stronger than I thought!" Persevering through demanding physical work makes us strong emotionally, as well as physically. Yes, working out feels like crap when you are out of shape. But if you make a habit of it, you will begin to feel REALLY good.

So I was driving to work and still a little out of sorts. It was still rainy and still drizzling and traffic was not fun. So I turned on my favorite Switchfoot album(okay, they are all my favorites) but today it was "Bullet Soul." And I danced in my seat while I was sitting on the highway waiting for the log jam to move. It was awesome. And I thought to myself, this is why I got healthy. So I could FEEL like I won the lottery even though all I'm doing is sitting in my car. So while I get awfully aggravated at my crazy, healthy evil twin and want to tell her, "Don't be such a show-off", I am secretly giving her a high five. Because when I danced up the stairs into work today, while all the other drones were dragging @ss, I realized I may be completely insane, but I no longer weigh 310 pounds and that is one heck of a reason to celebrate.

Fun with Flatulence

If you are easily offended, maybe you should skip this column.

Still reading? Okay. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I ate a high fat meal for dinner last night and found myself feeling a bit bloated this morning. After I ran, I cooked my hard boiled eggs and drove to work, as I usually do. But on the way to work I had a wonderful idea. A gloriously wondrous, momentous idea. Maybe if I ate my favorite cabbage salad for breakfast WITH my hard boiled eggs, it would help clean out my system and wash away the bad fats I was bedeviled with. I really do love my cabbage and I freely admit I enjoyed every bite.

But when lunch time arrived I realized all I had was my hummus. So I went to the café to get some veggies to go with it. Low and behold they had fresh steamed brussel sprouts. Miracle of miracles! It is my new favorite veggie so I got extra. And I got steamed carrots for dessert. YUM!

Recap:

Breakfast: Large bowl of grated cabbage and hard boiled eggs.

Lunch: Hummus(bean dip), brussel sprouts, and steamed carrots.

Around 2:00pm I ate my big bowl of red grapes and sighed with joy. What an utterly wonderful food day. I felt so clean and shiny inside. I drank my water with glee and smiled at what a "good" girl I was.

And then it was 3:00pm and I felt a strange rumbly in my tumbly. And then it happened. Toot! Toot! And there wasn't a train in sight. And it smelled very bad. And that was only the beginning. As it got increasingly worse and there was no containing it, I began to worry. What do the people in the cubes next to me think? Do they know from whence the farts originate? Are they all choking and crying and gasping for air but afraid to offend me? Or is it really not that bad and I'm over reacting?

I was so relieved(pun intended) when 4:15 arrived and I began to wrap things up. And then one of the men I work with came into my cube to tell me something. And I could swear I saw him wriggle his nose. And he didn't intimate that he smelled anything but he cut the conversation short and slowly backed out of my cube. And it really would have been funny except that I was horribly embarrassed.

So today I learned a lesson. Keep beano on hand at all times. For I do love my fresh veggies, but it feels terribly wrong to inflict such intestinal carnage on my co-workers. Learn from my unfortunate experiences, my friends. And do not become a helpless victim of flatulence.

No Such Thing as Moderation

If you haven't figure it out already, it's the holiday season! That means gluttony reigns supreme and moderation is the wicked step-sister. Poke her in the eye and put her in the back seat, boys! It's time to chow down. It is a time of excruciating mind games for the compulsive eater and I am not immune, no matter what my co-workers, friends or strangers-who-think-they-know-me assume. Saying I like to eat is like calling a pig, well, fat.

So bring on the bacon! It's December 2nd and time for my first(of many) holiday lunches. For those who can't attend, send in your dessert order early. It will be delivered to your desk because heaven forbid you miss that 2,000 calorie double-decker chocolate cake. So how does a food addict survive? Do I pretend to be sick and bow out? Do I attend and watch everyone else eat? Do I act self-righteous and talk about how good I am because I don't eat sugar/dairy/gluten? (That is a sure fire way to make new friends and influence people). Or do I simply get a plate and nibble(which is sort-of like being stapled and hung from a magnet)?

With all that in mind, here is my early Christmas gift to you, 8 strategies to survive the holiday feast:

1) Eat lots of veggies. So you hate Brussels sprouts? Get over it! Like Nike says, Just do(eat) it! Seriously. They will have carrots. And carrots are sweet. Eat those instead of cheesecake balls. It's kind-of the same thing.

2) Eat before you go. If you're not hungry, you can't eat too much.

3) When someone passes the bread, say you need to use the restroom. Stay in there for 15 minutes and come out holding your stomach. Constipated look is optional but very effective.

4) Whistle. If you're whistling you can't put food into your mouth.

5) When someone offers you "bad" foods, wave your hand in the air and say, "I never did mind about the little things." (I learned this from the movie Point of No Return) You get bonus points if you imitate Bridget Fonda.

6) Hire Gordon Ramsay to follow you around. Let him taste everything first. After he dissects and articulates how awful the food is, you will have lost your appetite.

7) Pretend you are a nun and eating said food is a cardinal sin. Seriously. Be stern with yourself. You know you are going to regret it later, so save yourself the heartburn and emotional anguish and just say no.

8) Finally, toss your plate in the trash. If you have a weakness for certain foods and people force them on you like Attila the "Food" Hun, throw it away. Carry it around on your plate for a while and when no one is looking, just trash it. My friend Becky has a weakness for Brach's Candy Pumpkins. People send them to her in the mail because they think she is deprived. When she is strong, she puts them directly in the circular file. I know it feels wasteful, but if you remember that kind of "food" is toxic to your body, you will be more apt to forgive yourself.

So there you have it. I survived my first holiday lunch by employing several of the strategies listed above. I'll let you guess which ones. Mix and match to your heart's content. Then share anecdotes with your friends. It's more fun that way. And if you have additional strategies, please sound off in the comments. I love picking up new ideas!

Life after the Storm

Ferguson has been the favorite city of tornadoes in recent years. The monstrous weather events have ripped through my town and left carnage in their path. First, we were hit in 2011. My house was spared but many of my neighbors suffered great loss. My sister had a large oak tree in her backyard that was ripped from its roots and tossed onto her house. The devastation to her neighborhood was brutal. Many of us were glad when 2011 was over. We rebuilt and moved forward.

Fast forward to 2013. Our family now possesses a weather radio. We sat huddled in the basement and listened to it while another tornado ripped past our house. It was eerily reminiscent of the last event only we felt more seasoned, more prepared to deal with the aftermath. We had purchased a gas stove so we could still cook and therefore the next few days without power were not so stressful. Again, my neighbors rebuilt and we all moved forward.

But tonight as I drove through my neighborhood I realized that though the downed trees have been removed and all the buildings have been repaired, the landscape has been forever altered. The sun sets through trees that are broken and missing limbs. Other trees that helped mark January Wabash Park are completely gone. The horizon looks like a row of jagged teeth that have been broken by someone with brass knuckles. It is heart-wrenching. There is no denying we live in a place that has been altered by tragedy.

Personal tragedy is no different. Often when life takes a turn for the worst we shrink into our shells and try to hide our heads, as if we should be embarrassed about our pain because it has made us ugly. All we can see are the broken limbs and missing pieces of ourselves. We think life should have turned out differently. We think we should be more like our friends, who have "perfect" lives and no inherent defects. Somehow we begin to question our value because all we can see is what we think our lives should be and not what it is.

This world is very often a sad place. Bad things happen to good people. Pain interrupts our lives. Tragedy strikes. Sometimes it is preventable, but often it is not. Sometimes it is all we can do to just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving, even if it is aimlessly toward the freezer for more ice cream.

If pain has altered the landscape of your life, ask for help. Meet with a friend and seek encouragement. Go for a walk. Eat ice cream, if it helps. But don't give up. You can rebuild. You can forge ahead. While you push forward make sure to focus more on your blessings rather than the suffering you are currently enduring. Perspective can make the difference between despair and hope.

Right now things look pretty bleak in Ferguson. The skyline is not what it once was. The leaves are gone and winter is bearing down on us like a hungry lion. We feel weak and unable to run another step. But winter does not last forever. Before we know it Spring will come and with it buds, flowers and new growth. The greenery will cover what was once broken and life will once again "spring" forth. The same is true with personal pain. If we choose to learn and grow through our suffering, we will come out the other side stronger. More importantly, we will have the hard-won knowledge that comes from surviving, and that is both poignant and priceless.

Joyously Thankful

I woke this morning with a heart both light and full. Today I celebrate God's goodness with family and friends and remember a year filled with goodness. I am grateful for Jesus, my best friend. I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for my good job and wonderful boss. I am grateful that I continue to walk through difficult times and learn and grow. I am thankful for those of you who read this blog and encourage me with your stories of perseverance and hope. Today, may you all experience joy and love. And remember where our good bounty comes from. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Oh, and I am celebrating with the most wonderful salad in the world, of which I am sharing a picture.

In case you so desire to replicate:

Romaine lettuce

Shredded kale

spinach

cucumbers

shredded carrots

green peppers

I also made buttermilk sugar cookies with buttercream frosting. And while I won't be eating those, I am thankful to share them with my family, who will delight in every morsel!

A Wonder-Filled World

This morning I woke up early and checked the thermometer outside. I usually don't go out if it's below 20 degrees because no matter how many layers I put on, it isn't enough. The thermometer was in a good mood today so I layered up and out I went.

Many people refuse to exercise because it's hard and it's boring. I admit, the first few weeks I walked my 310 pound body around the block it was torturous. But I had an end goal in mind. I wanted to change my life, not just my clothes size. I wanted to lose the weight and never, ever gain it back. Sometimes we must do hard things to learn what a beautiful place this world can be.

This morning the first thing I did was step out into the brisk morning air and look up to the sky. I looked for my favorite cluster of stars(The Big Dipper), and for the moon. The sky never bores me. I am entranced by the stars and the changing shape of the clouds. I am mesmerized by the sky as it changes moment by moment while I walk. Often it is pitch black when I leave and the sun is shining amber rays over the horizon as I approach my house. This ever changing canvas makes exercising wonderful.

Not only does the sky change in the morning while I walk, but the landscape around me changes day by day. Because I live in St. Louis we have this thing called seasons. I get to watch my neighbors flowers sprout and bloom. I watch shrubs grow and thrive. I watch trees bud, flower, and flush green before fading to rusty hues in the Fall. I see squirrels scamper and bark. I watch Raccoons bound into sewers and possums freak out because they can't decide whether to run or, well, play possum. Oh, did I mention I'm exercising while experiencing all of this? I almost forgot.

It's winter now and I'm one of a handful of people still working out in the outdoors. This morning my friend Laura shouted "Hey Margaret" from across the road and I shouted "Hey" at a man riding his bicycle. My morning "work-outs" often feel more like an escape into an alternate reality where the world is beautiful and stress melts away like hot butter, not an awful chore to be endured and loathed. I have been teasing my boss about his new personal trainer. She is working him so hard he lubbs into work like a puddle of warm cheese. That's not my idea of fun. And if I want to maintain this healthy lifestyle, I'm sure as heck not going to be miserable doing it. (He's on his umpteenth trainer in the 7 years I've known him) Sure I have off days. Everyone does. But most days I am tickled pinker than the sky to be outside and moving.

You might think losing weight and getting healthy is impossible. It's not. Start small and work your way up. Tomorrow try 10 minutes and in a month try 20. Whatever you do, don't languish in your house where the only exercise you get is between the couch and the pantry. This world is filled with wonder. Go out and see it. I dare you!

Suffering? Take heart!

Sometimes life grabs us by the throat and throttles us. Whether by illness, grief or bad choices, we find ourselves in a place we don't want to be and with no way out. Sometimes there is no escaping the suffering that overtakes our lives. We have one of two choices, bear up beneath the weight of it, or crumple.

I am really good at crumpling. It's the easier option after all. The storms of life blow and I put the back of my hand to my forehead and twirl in circles right before I "faint." I am well acquainted with the ground, having spent my share of time wallowing in the dirt. And sometimes we need to do that for a minute. We need to cry and grieve whatever it is we've lost, but eventually we have to make the choice to stagnate or pick up and move on.

The one common denominator of suffering is that we bear it uniquely and personally. My pain is not the same as your pain but I still feel it. One person's stubbed toe is another person's cancer. I try to never diminish the sorrow of another person because I am incapable of feeling exactly what they feel. After all, I have never lived their life. My husband likes to use the term "Milk Toast" when referring to someone with less than stellar resilience. But we can never gauge with complete accuracy the intensely personal pain of another person.

As one who has struggled a lot over the years, I think people that don't have problems are weird. I always wonder if they are lying. Is their life really that good? And maybe it is. Who am I to judge? But I would venture to guess that the majority of us have struggled or suffered in some way during our short time in this world. If you are in the "painless" majority, just wait. It's coming.

If you are suffering today with emotional or physical trauma, my heart goes out to you. And I have some advice for you to take or leave, as you see fit. I even promise not to be offended if you slam the door in my face by way of navigating away from this webpage.

1) This too shall pass. It's true, time does heal. Pain leaves scars but eventually the acute pain will fade. Grieve while you must, cry and groan. Cry out for help from true friends who know you well, and let them comfort you.

2) Move. I don't mean just exercise, though it does help to get your heart rate up if you can. But do not stay where you are. I like the verse that says, "Yeah though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…" Notice the author doesn't say, Yeah though I lie motionless in the valley…." Move mentally. Move spiritually. Move physically. Just don't stay in that place if you can help it.

3) Rest. Sleep helps the body heal. Be kind to yourself and get at least 8 hours. And then remember #2 above.

4) Forgive(if someone wronged you). Anger only turns to bitterness. Bitterness will eat away at your future joy and leave you hollow. This is not easy. It may take time. But chip away at it and go out and live again. It is especially important to forgive yourself if you realize you made the mistake. Then go make it right if you can.

5) Do something for someone other than yourself who is suffering. Even if you don't feel like it. Do it. Sometimes we have to step outside of our pain and recognize others hurt too. This will take the focus off you for a minute and give you room to heal. And, you will comfort someone who desperately needs it.

6) Listen to music. I often hear lyrics that help me deal with my own issues. I can't explain it. Music truly does soothe the soul.

7) Breathe. Take long deep breaths. They will help your body relax. 8) Learn. We have the opportunity as human beings to fill our brains with knowledge. Use your brain. I often find learning about my issues helps me anesthetize my suffering. And take good notes. You may need to pull them out the next time something awful happens.

9) Let go. All too often I carry the world on my shoulders unnecessarily. Sometimes we just have to focus our attention elsewhere and stop thinking about it. This is a concerted mental exercise but if we practice it, we will heal faster.

The sun may not come up tomorrow. Live today as if it were your last. If you are not suffering, go out and brighten someone's life. Hug your dog. Refrain from yelling at your stubborn child. Stop and howl at the moon.

And here's one that bears repeating over and over and over…. Love. You are here because your parents loved. That tiny seed started something…namely, YOU. You are valuable, lovely and have a purpose. Never forget it.

What is Good Health?

In April of 2010 I knew I was fat but wasn't willing to do anything about it. I didn't want to separate myself from the foods I loved or move enough to burn off my extra padding. Conceptually, I wanted to be skinny and pretty—like most women. I wanted my husband to find me attractive. I wanted to bend over and touch my toes—okay, not really—I just wanted to be able to clip my toenails. But I was locked into a addiction that was worse than any prison. I had no idea I was killing myself emotionally and physically. But rather than address the issues causing me to spiral, I sulked, made excuses, and cried. It was all very unproductive.

Fast forward three and a half years and I am rubbing people the wrong way with my healthy lifestyle. The way some people roll their eyes at me, you would think their eyeballs were loose. Today I feel this deep well of emotion stirring in my soul. I want to educate people on what it means to be healthy. It seems that many people around me have a very loose idea of what good health is and what it truly means to be healthy. Even worse, they don't care. This has made me deeply reflective. Why do I care?

The diet industry is booming. Obviously there is a market for people who want to lose weight or get in shape. But until a person identifies their motives, sets a goal and sticks to a plan, they are no better than me, a decade ago, ordering Hydroxycut and saying a prayer that it would melt the fat off my body. I am so glad I have adjusted my mental faculties into learning discipline, not only because I wanted to lose weight, but because I felt God wanted me to take control of my out-of-control life. I am whole-heartedly convicted that being "self-controlled and alert" is a spiritual and physical discipline. I love the comedian, Jim Gaffigan. He makes no excuses for his fat, pale body. In fact, he's making a lot of money touring the country while making fun of himself for being fat and lazy. Sure it's funny, but he's a comedian and his life is supposed to be a punch line. But when we get serious, we are forced to take a hard look at our lives and our bodies. If we have to make jokes to deal with the pain, something is seriously wrong.

Here is my list(my opinion) of what Good Health is:

1) I am not in chronic pain. (sports injuries aside)

2) I can outrun my children, which means I always win.

3) I'm happy.

4) I don't cry when I open the closet door(anymore).

5) I fit in the driver's seat of my car without pushing the seat back.

6) I don't have any serious illnesses and can fight off reasonable infection without antibiotics.

7) I can climb a flight of stairs without fear of passing out.

8) I enjoy eating lots of fruit and vegetables.

I could go on and on but eight seems like a good number. I used to think I had no say in my health. I assumed I would contract cancer, or some other terrible disease, at any time and there was nothing I could do to prevent it. I now know that eating the right food and exercising regularly will help prevent terrible diseases. Take type 2 diabetes, for example. Between 1995 and 2010 the number of diagnosed cases of diabetes jumped by 50% or more in forty-two states and by 100% in eighteen states. These statistics are so staggering that the Center for Disease Control and Prevention is trying to create a strategy to slow the prevalence of this illness. If you don't know, Diabetes causes blood glucose(sugar) levels to rise higher than normal because your body loses its ability to use insulin properly. We also know that sugar feeds cancerous tumors. So why do people insist on consuming it in such vast quantities? Yes, I do know it's tasty but it's killing us!

The tipping point for me was my recent decision to cut dairy and gluten from my diet. Three weeks have passed and I feel like a completely different person. I have lost 7 pounds. My head is clear. I am not obsessing about food anymore. I'm so full of joy and relief that I keep saying, "Thank you, Jesus!" It feels like a miracle and maybe it is. I lost 140 pounds through sheer force of will. If only I had known then what I know now... I never thought in a million years that life could be this good.

I want everyone to have what I have. That is why I am writing this blog. Yes, this world is fractured and imperfect. Yes, there is pain, sorrow and hardship. Yes, bad things happen to good people. But we have one thing we can control, our bodies and what we do with them. I have a serious question for you to consider: Why wouldn't you do everything humanly possible to take care of your body?

Because honestly, I don't see K-Mart having a blue light special on human bodies any time soon.

8 Steps to Get Fit and Stay Fit

I realize I sound like a "how to" manual, but as I was jogging this morning I thought through some of the things I have learned in my journey. It is so overwhelming for a heavy person to even think about going on a diet. Especially if they have tried and failed multiple times. I saw a friend in the grocery store last night and told her about my switch to a gluten/dairy free lifestyle. I know she struggles with depression like me and thought it might be beneficial. I said, "It's really not that hard." She said, "Margaret, you make everything look easy. But it's not easy." It hurt my heart. So how can I simplify what I have learned into a few paragraphs that might help others out there get started? I'm going to try.

1) Forgive yourself for letting your body go. You have value and are worth the effort.

2) Don't buy into the hype. People will try to sell you diet "miracles" the same as they will a Whopper.

3) Sacrifice and then persevere. Your body doesn't know what healthy is. You "think" you want a burrito supreme but your body is probably craving water. You will have to retrain it and yes, it's going to be difficult. But it's worth it. I started by cutting out sugar and refined white flours. I drank water instead of putting food into my mouth. I walked about 15 minutes at first. I weighed 310 pounds and thought it was impossible to lose weight. It is not. You just have to train your body and your mind what healthy is. You will not lose weight eating Recess Peanut Butter cups, no matter how many miles you walk.

4) Relapse happens. Your favorite food is there and you eat it. And then you eat more. And then you realize your whole diet is blown and you may as well call it quits. Walk anyway. Start again. Never give up. Never surrender.

5) Work through your emotional issues with food. It really does all start in the brain. You don't want to eat brussel sprouts, you're not going to eat them. You want some chicken nuggets and you can't stop thinking about them. You get sad. It's not fair that Misty Skinny girl gets to eat heaps of candy and never gains a pound. You hate her. You imagine stabbing her with toothpicks. You give in and eat chicken nuggets and feel like a failure. You are not a failure. You just have to stop the negative self talk. So you don't want Brussels Sprouts? What do you like that is healthy? Find a whole food that is tasty(raisins, lean meat, your favorite leafy vegetable). So you don't like any of those things? Cut sugar out of your diet and your taste buds will change. I guarantee it.

5) Ask for help. I have faithful friends who listened to me cry when it got too hard for me. They help carry the water. And I asked God for help because He is my best friend. I never understate that because I could not have walked through this journey without Him.

Hebrews 2:18 Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.

6) Study hard. Read everything you can about losing weight. Testimonials. Books about nutrition. Get excited and talk about it to everyone. Make them mad with your new smarts about living a healthy lifestyle. Real friends will bear up under it, phony friends will walk away. You didn't need them anyway. I read "Half-Assed-A Memoir" by Jennette Fulda. She lost half her body weight through diet and exercise. Reading that book evoked so many emotions in me and I realized that I too could lose weight. Thank you, Jennette! You inspired me! 7) Have fun! Try new foods you would have never eaten before. For me it was pineapple, guacamole, fish tacos, fresh blueberries. Yes, you may have to eliminate most of what you ate before but that stuff is poison to your body. Discipline your mind to NOT think about the foods you can't have and concentrate on the yummy foods you can. 8) Just keep swimming. Dory said it best in Finding Nemo. What works for someone else may not work for you. Your body is different than mine or your moms. Listen to your body and just keep moving. When I weighed 310 pounds I had to walk around the block and it was awful. When I weight 261 pounds I had to keep walking around the block and it was not as difficult. I knew that if I just kept walking and eating right, I was honoring my body. It was hard work. It was maybe the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life, but it was worth it. Today is a beautiful, glorious day. I grabbed my workout clothes and jogged and walked 6 miles. I went slow and careful because of my goofy hip. And I had fun. I love the clarity the dairy/gluten free diet is affording me. Today I am making hummus to eat for lunch this week. I amaze everyone at work with my beautiful salads and even fresh guacamole that I made at work in the lunch room. Do I sound like I'm miserable because I can't have Recess Peanut Butter Cups and White Castle? Yes, it took me a minute to get over those cravings in the beginning but they did pass. I have lost 140 pounds. I never thought it was possible. What can you do to improve your life?

Now go get 'em!

From Insecure to Overcoming

I remember what it felt like to sit down in a chair and wonder if it was going to break. Even worse, would I fit at all? Or when I talked to my doctor and explained how I kept working out but I wasn't losing any weight and asked him to check my thyroid. He patted me on the leg-smugly I might add-and said, "Now, Dear, you know about all those snacks you're eating." I was mortified. I was fat and felt a strong mixture of embarrassment, disappointment in myself, and hopelessness. Every. Single. Day.

When I look at a heavy person today I wonder who they are on the inside. What are their hopes and dreams? Who do they want to be when they "grow up"? Are they happy or do they wish they could fade into the background like I used to? And then I wonder, if they knew my story, would they be inspired to try to lose weight one more time? Or am I simply projecting all of my issues on to that anonymous person? Maybe they like carrying around extra weight. And who am I to judge if they do?

I used to think skinny people didn't have problems. Maybe it was because I so desperately wanted to be thin. I thought if only I could lose the weight, all of my problems would fade. I thought I deserved to suffer, that I wasn't worthy of love because I was so undisciplined. And in my deepest moments of pain I grabbed the mixer and whipped a batch of chocolate "bliss" cookies and slowly numbed the pain.

When I think about what my life used to look and feel like, I experience sadness tinged with relief. It's true, I'm not a prisoner in my own body any longer, but more importantly, I'm not bound by cords of negative thinking. Somehow I found the escape route. And the joy I feel now motivates me to share my story because I want others to experience that too.

I began this journey three and a half years ago armed with very few resources and little hope that I could accomplish my goal...to lose 100 pounds. I suffered through agonizing withdrawals from my favorite foods and torturous walks up *gasp* hills(plural!). I cried a lot. I was angry at myself quite frequently. But I refused to give up because I knew to surrender to my desire for food would never, ever make me truly happy.

My first winter, when it was too cold to walk outside I taped workout routines on television(Gilad and Kathe). I picked up a kickboxing video by Kathy Smith and effectively pulled my ribs out of joint punching and kicking all over my living room. I strained my Achilles tendon. My knees ached. And last but not least, I tore the cartilage in my hip. But I didn't lose my resolve to stay healthy. If I could never work out another day in my life(because I became a quadruple amputee) yes, I would be sad, but I would still do everything in my power to eat right and move(even if I had to have my husband push me around in a wheelbarrow.

Yesterday I had the distinct pleasure to meet Kathy Smith in person. I was able to share a little bit of my story and get my picture taken with her. It was such an honor to meet her, not because she's a celebrity, but because I know she shares my passion for physical and mental fitness. I have always wondered if I had the opportunity to do a live aerobics class, would I be able to keep up. I don't have to wonder any more. This morning I had the privilege to work out with Kathy Smith live and I did more than keep up, I had fun.

I love my life. I love the healthy body I have worked so hard for. I know I am blessed because there are many people in this world who do everything right and are still unhealthy, through no fault of their own. I will never take it for granted. I also know I am still Margaret and I still struggle with food addiction. But it doesn't define me. I am fighting it with every sinew in my body. I am studying and learning everything I can to take care of my one and only body. I no longer fret and worry over "having to work out every day for the rest of my life." I just go out and enjoy it.

I'm not worried about chairs breaking when I sit down any more. And for that I am deeply thankful. Getting from there to here has been a long and winding journey, but I wouldn't change a single second of it. Because every (painful) step, every unsatisfied craving, and every tear I wiped on my sleeve brought me to where I am today. The place where I am doing planks in my living room while my youngest son says, "Mommy, you look like a bridge." Yes, Son. I do. And you know what? I feel as strong as a bridge too.

A Light at the End of my Dark Tunnel

Just call me Tap Dancing Tonya! I've got rings on my fingers and bells on my toes and I'm feeling awesome wherever I go. There is nothing better than running on clean fuel. I took a pit stop on Sunday when I tried to bake gluten free cornbread. And while it was mighty tasty, within an hour of eating it, I was pretty sick. Even though it didn't have wheat, my body did not like the highly processed flours. And because I had been feeling so great up until that point in time, I took it rather hard. It was kind of like getting smacked upside the head with Thor's hammer.

As I ate my salad at lunch today I realized that people spend large sums of money on drugs designed to fix their ills and I'm fixing mine with healthy food. I can eat something yummy and good for my body for about $3.00 and feel clear and sparkly, like those pictures they put on spring water that is sold in the grocery store. It sounds crazy and utterly too good to be true, but I’m living proof that it's possible.

I can manage multiple projects. I have extra energy. I'm happy. And I didn't even murder my children when they flooded the house the other night. And all because I cut a couple things out of my diet? Wow! If I had known this, I would have done it years ago.

The stress at work has been high this week. There is so much going on, and I really hate to think how I'd be handling it if I hadn't made this change. Now I'm not saying it would work for everyone, but it sure is working for me. My point is this, if you are sad, tired and sick of being overweight, if you hate your life and don't know why, if you think about walking into the headlights of oncoming traffic,(don't do that!), and you are willing to try anything, start by changing your diet. Food is the fuel by which our bodies run. It won't hurt you to eat more vegetables and less refined white flour/sugar. Making that small sacrifice might just drastically improve the quality of your life.

I have been living with depression for years and never understood why I felt so bad. Now I see the cycle. And what's so awful about it is that I would eat cookies and candy to help me feel better when they were really making everything worse. I may not have a full on gluten/dairy allergy, but my body is so much happier without them. I would pay a lot of money to fix my depression. If I knew of a sure fire pill, I would take it. So why not adjust my diet? It just makes good common sense.

I am so thankful God is showing me how to take care of myself. Life is hard. Life is imperfect. And we all have a lot of problems. So if I can change this one small thing(yes, I'm calling a gluten/dairy free diet a small thing) I am pleased as punch. It's one thing I can control. And hopefully, by sharing this with people, maybe someone else will find a way to help lessen their depression too.

One of These Things is Not Like the Other

That thing would be me. It is so much fun to be different. It catches people off guard. Like, when I’m walking down the hall and I see a casual acquaintance and I wave erratically to say hello instead of the standard, smile and nod greeting that is common in the workplace. People smile more when I do these things. Like when I get excited about my grapefruit and toss it in the air like a baseball and catch it as I "celebrate" back to my desk. I like to think people are happy that I seem to be enjoying myself. They are definitely not thinking, "There goes the lunatic again."

Today is Friday the 13th. I know the calendar says November 1st but it lies. Because too much wild and wacky stuff happened today for it to be a normal day. Oh, and the moon is full too. You don't need to look at the sky. You can take my word for it. Most of the day I felt much like a ping pong ball bouncing back and forth between two deranged orangutans. This is how I earn my paycheck, bobbing back and forth. Ask any executive assistant. That is how we roll. And I have every reason to be crabby about it. I could stamp and moan. I could grab a cigarette, make my face pruny and scowl. I could blather on about crossed wires and fake-outs, malfunctioning scanners and goats but nobody wants to hear about that anyway. And besides, kicking the goat isn't going to make my job easier.

Today I am celebrating. Why, you ask? Well, I feel like I've been set free. I have this raging food addiction that drives me batty just about every day of my life. Like a 16 year old boy thinks about sex, I think about food. I'm not kidding. It's that bad. One of the ways I got through the first month with no sugar was by fantasizing about eating chocolate chip cookies. That can't be normal. But yesterday was Halloween and I didn't crave candy at all. In fact, I gathered a giant bag of candy from work and brought it home to my husband and teenage son(that's how I know about the sex thing) and watched them eat it while I snacked on pumpkin seeds and raisins. And I wasn't unhappy. In fact, I was completely satisfied. So here is where I let you under the tent…. where I explain how this could be humanly possible.

I had an injection of alien DNA and I am now cured forever of my addiction. Okay, that's not entirely true, though my mother might attest to the fact that I've always been a little "off." I decided to cut sugar, diary and gluten from my diet. I am on day four and I feel like a million ducks. And I feel so good I don't miss them. Really. And I hope like crazy I continue to feel this good. Because if it's that easy to get rid of my depression, man, I am one lucky girl! And no cravings and constant thinking about when I get to eat again. Holy mother of jackpots! I'm a winner!

So if I'm strutting around the office waving my arms like a twitchy cricket, and serenading people who walk into my cube with "Hello Dolly," well, who can blame me? People like positive energy. In fact, I have seen more genuine smiles today than I have all week. Bring on the crossed wires, malfunctioning scanners and belching goats. Besides, I've got some really great Groucho Marx impressions to polish up on.

*Disclaimer – no goats were harmed during the writing of this blog.

A Different Perspective

This morning dawned dark, foggy and spooky. I have to use the work spooky because tomorrow is Halloween, but it really did feel spooky. I drove down Florissant Road and was struck by how difficult it was to see the road, even with the streetlights. And then I saw them, dark shapes shuffling across the pavement. These spectral anomalies were barely visible but as I got closer I saw that they were merely teenagers, risking their lives to get to school. Brave souls!

The highway was shrouded with thick clouds and felt otherworldly. With the sun absent, I found it difficult to gather my bearings. From high above the slick streets I saw strange, UFO shaped lights blaring through the milky film. Were we getting visitors from another planet? No, they are the street lights that hover over Highway 270. Normally these lights go unnoticed. I mean to say, I appreciate how they illuminate the street but never actually look at the lights themselves. But with the fog, they were startling. They peered through the mist with bright rays that reached out like tendrils. I admit it took a great deal of willpower to turn my eyes back to the road so I didn't crash my car.

This morning I had a completely different perspective on my way to work. The darkness combined with thick fog transformed my morning commute. It reminded me that often my perspective changes when hardship descends on my life. If a simple change in lighting can change the way I see things, how much more potent is emotional darkness?

When we are despairing, everything feels heavier. Simple joys are beyond our comprehension and pain is like thick, heavy fog. It distorts our vision and we can't see things we once thought were true. Happiness and contentment are like the blue sky and white fluffy clouds, gone. Even though we know they exist, they don't register.

In these moments of clarity I remember that God is like the streetlights. He is always there. But I see him differently through the lens of pain. I'm content when he is lighting the way and rarely look up to say "thanks!" But when things go sour, that light gets a little spooky. It is alien, even threatening. I am not ashamed to say it even makes me angry. I shake my fists at the sky and say, "What the heck? My life is supposed to be smooth sailing. I don't like this fog!"

But have you ever risen on a blue sky sunny morning after a long period of rain? What goes through your mind? I always think, "How beautiful! How lovely! I am so glad to see the sun again." And my heart lifts with joy. It seems trite to say we can't enjoy the sun without a little rain. But I find it rings true. Dark, foggy mornings don't last forever. The sun burns them away post haste. And this morning I thought to myself, "Emotional darkness is the same. When the time is right, God will burn it away. I just have to trust him."

Also, the perspective I glean while moving through pain is priceless. I find that I learn the most important lessons when I walk through seasons of pain and hardship. I carry this knowledge with me to use for future hardship. And when I encounter other souls who are suffering, I can share these lessons as well. But most importantly, I find that I encounter the great love of Jesus most intimately when I am suffering. This is a mystery to me but something I feel in my body so potently it cannot be denied, even if people think I'm strange.

I am 1.5 days into sacrificing my favorite foods to see if it will help my body feel better. I am hopeful. I see a little speck of light in the darkness. One step at a time, one moment to the next, I am trusting the sun is still out there and one day I will experience white fluffy clouds again. The good news is, God is with me. I sense him in ways I can't explain. And I am glad.

Taking Control One Minute at a Time

The affect that food has on our bodies cannot be overestimated. It is the fuel that feeds our cells. As such, what we put into our mouths matters. Everyone knows this on some basic level. As such, many people joke about junk food by saying, "I know it's not good for me, but I'm going to eat it anyway." This statement is usually followed by a nervous chuckle. But how many people actually take the time to analyze how food affects their bodies? We have become accustomed to popping pills (i.e. anti-acids) because we don't want to face the truth about foods that hurt us. It usually takes a life-altering event to make us examine our diet.

Food can be the mechanism by which we console ourselves when life is ugly. Therefore diet is the last thing we want to examine when we are suffering. If suffering is the megaphone through which God speaks, food is the mechanism by which I tune Him out.

At this point, it's not about how much weight I've gained, but rather, how I seem to have lost all control over what I put into my mouth. Not only what I eat, but what I want to eat. It has consumed my thought life to such an extent that I can't bear it. I have tried to eat this feeling away but it only increases my suffering. And granted there are other external stimuli that I won't share here but I feel compelled to do something drastic to take control of my body. 3 ice cream cones every night isn't fixing me.

We can have the best intentions and still flail. But today, I have prayerfully committed to cut several things out of my diet. Part of this decision is in response to the crippling depression(which is aggravated by intense sugar intake). I want to know if eliminating these things will help me feel better. Another part of me wants to lay these things at the altar of self-conceit and say, "I have no power but that which God gives me and I'm going to trust Him to help me" if for no other reason than putting myself first has not been working.

But rather than focus on what I can't have, I am instead choosing to discover some foods I have not tried before. I have decided to have fun and reinvent my diet. And I am committing to this for 2 weeks. I may or may not report as I go through these two weeks, depending on how I feel. But I will report at the end of the two weeks. And I am not going to cheat.

One minute, one hour, one day at a time. Sometimes this is all we can and should plan for. We never know when this day will be our last. And it can be very overwhelming to think about cutting things out "forever." Also, I choose not to focus on the suffering, but rather, on my response to it. And by golly, today, I feel empowered.

Who is with me? Can anyone make a commitment to cut something from their lives that they are very attached to? Something that is hurting them in some fundamental way? Not forever…just 2 weeks. And replace it with something beneficial? A grapefruit? 15 minutes of exercise? An avocado! A smile for the person that perpetually scowls at you at work? And then report back on November 13th? Maybe you could sacrifice a negative attitude or your quick temper and replace it with a banana? Goofy, I know. But symbolism is powerful.

Today is Tuesday, October 29th. And it is a beautiful, courageous, and fruitful day. Today, I replaced ice cream with pepper/lime cashews. And it was totally worth it.

Treasure Hunting

Winter has descended like a cold smack to the face. I was irritated as I dug through the attic this morning, trying to find a winter coat. And then, while clutching the steering wheel with my frozen fingers, because who knows where in the world my gloves are, the reality of the dark and dreary days ahead hit me. I can't escape. I am going to have to walk through winter, like it or not.

It would be easy in this situation to put on my "grumpy face" and scowl at everyone I meet. I mean, I'm suffering here. When winter hits, the only exposure to the sunshine I receive is on the weekends. This does not bode well for someone with seasonal affective disorder. My whole mood declines in the winter, and not just for one day. So when cheery people stop by my cube at work I have to resist the urge to poke them in the eye.

Even worse I'm totally burned out on exercise and on my healthy diet. I need to shake things up but can't seem to find the time to plan. So I keep doing crunches, and walking, and I sigh a lot. But this morning I realized something, my world may not be filled with sunshine and spring flowers but that doesn't mean I need to have a miserable winter. I simply need to go treasure hunting. There are glimmers of hope and joy everywhere. I just have to dig a little harder.

Last weekend I was desperate to be outside. So I took my family to the park with the sole intent of getting out to the wing dams on the Missouri River to look for arrow heads. All kinds of things wash up there and I never know what I will find. Of course, the paths were all overgrown(waist-high) and there was "quick sand" (mud) but we persevered and made it. And what a delight it was.

Wing dams are made up of limestone and constructed by the Army Corps of Engineers. They are built to slow down the river for barge traffic. From afar they are unsightly and the Missouri Department of Conservation objects to them because they interfere with the natural habitat of the river. But aside from all of that, they are fascinating. We spent some time combing through the rocks and crevices. I kept finding pieces of glass and exclaiming "Sea glass!" only for my husband to say, "river glass!" Smooth pieces of glass brushed smooth by the waves is "sea glass" to me. And, it gives me the feeling that I'm at the ocean instead of a muddy old river. We found many pieces of petrified wood, which is a great treasure! And while we didn't find any arrow heads, I came away with my pockets jangling and a fossilized jawbone(with teeth!) of some unfortunate beast. All in all, a good time was had by all. Until we realized walking in was the easy part.

My youngest is diabetic and had low blood sugar. Even though we had a treat, he was unable to walk through the tall weeds due to fatigue and weakness. I hoisted him on my back and carried him out. And that is when I realized, once again, how glad I am to be healthy. I can carry my 50 pound child when he can't carry himself.

There will always be bleak times in my life. And I can choose to focus on the dark and ungainly, or I can go on a treasure hunt. I can and should look for the beautiful things in life and focus intently on their splendor for that is certainly better than wallowing in the muck of despair.

How about you? Feeling down in the dumps because the days are shorter and colder? How about a treasure hunt? I put my mementos on my desk at work in a special dish my boss picked up in Tanzania. And every time I look at them I'm encouraged. Remembering a beautiful day with my family is a treasure indeed.

Why bother?

It's dark. It's cold. And I'm hungry. Okay, I'm not really hungry, but eating makes me feel better. So why shouldn't I self-medicate? After all, life is short. I should celebrate today and who cares about the consequences? Not me! I'd rather stay in bed, where it's cozy and warm. The outside world is a cruel place, full of people who expect me to work and make dinner and not be fat. These people expect me to make cookie cake(birthdays again) and not eat it all. These people are definitely the enemy.

Okay, so my children aren't really the enemy. It just feels that way sometimes. So who is the real enemy? Well, that would have to be me. I am convinced that I argue with myself more than with any other person on the planet, though my husband might dispute this fact. Whether trying to decide how much, if any dessert I will eat or whether or not to work out and what kind of workout I will do, I am always at war with my body. Worry, guilt, fear. These are the mainstays of my life. How I counteract these powerful feelings determines not only my quality of life, but who I am on the inside.

I am reminded of a movie I saw a long time ago. It is called, Leaving Las Vegas. Nicholas Cage's character is an alcoholic. He has lost his family and is tired of fighting against his illness. He decides to move to Las Vegas and let the alcohol win. He befriends a prostitute and a strange friendship begins. The movie ends when he dies. It's been many years since I watched it but it stuck with me. His selfishness stuck with me. And yet, I understand why he made that choice. I don't think it was a right choice, but I do understand it. We all have the capacity to self-destruct. Self-destruction is choice.

On days like today I question why I persist in this healthy lifestyle routine. After all, it is more of a routine than anything at this point. I'm in the habit of exercising and making healthy food choices. But most people don't understand the war that rages in my heart every time I am faced with food of any kind. I am fully aware at any given moment that I could go to Taco Bell, order up my favorite meal and chase it with chocolate. No one is going to stop me. And if I don't care, and since it is my body, why shouldn't I?

Today I am going to remind myself why I am fighting this battle. Keep reading. This might apply to you too.

1) My life matters. Not only to my husband and children, but to those lives I interact with on a daily basis. As if this weren't important enough, my life matters to me. Would I want to live with myself if I gave up? Would I respect me? Wouldn't I be wasting this entire journey of getting to know myself, and learning how my body works? Wasn't I so happy when I discovered losing weight was not impossible?

2) My choices matter. If I stopped exercising and eating right, I would personally experience a decline in health. I am quite certain I would start to get sick on a regular basis again. But say I could live with that. After all, Burrito Supremes are mighty tasty. And say I could live with gaining all the weight back. If I was content with that, why should it matter? It's my body. It's my life. My decision to eat is just that, my decision. But the simple truth is, my choices impact the lives of those around me. When people like Melissa McCarthy make being fat funny, they perpetuate the lie that being fat is fun. I know better. So if I choose to jump off the healthy bandwagon, I am, by that very decision, telling people it's okay to hurt their bodies with food. It may be my body, but my choices definitely affect the lives of those around me.

3) I want to be in control of my body, not the other way around. This may sound simplistic, but before I got healthy I used to get what I call "the sugar shakes." I had to have candy with me at all times. I had stashes everywhere. If I ran out I would get sick and shaky. As a result of eating candy all the time, I rarely experienced true hunger. This made eating not as much fun. Which sent me in pursuit of more savory foods, which made me fatter. I was always seeking a way to make eating an even more over the top experience. I was a slave to my desire for more and "better" food. At the expense of everything else. I am at my ugliest when I am serving my desire for food. Food was more important than my husband, my children, my job, and most importantly, my relationship with God.

For me, self-discipline enables me to live the way I truly want to live. Do I hate fighting with myself? Yes. But self-indulgence followed to its logical end is loathsome. I can say this because I've experienced it. Much the same way Nicholas Cage's character in Leaving Las Vegas left a bad taste in my mouth, so does going back to the way I used to live.

I sometimes wonder what this struggle will look like when I'm 50 or 60 years old. Will it be as hard? Will I still be sensitive to people who struggle to stay healthy? Will I have reverted to "pre-healthy" Margaret? I have a very definitive struggle with emotional eating. I get sad, tired or stressed and I run towards food. But I am not unique. And I am not alone. Some days, like today, I don't want to fight anymore. It's old now.

But it's worth it. After all, I am still fighting. And that's all that really matters.

When Life is Great...

Fridays are happy days. The Cardinals won the NLDS and I was there in person to see it with my best kid. I was talking to a friend at work today and said, "I was close enough to see Jadi's..." He finished my sentence...."Tattoos?" I said, "Well, I wasn't going to say tattoos." He said, "Well, we'll go with that." It was such a fun night. The best thing about the night was I won green seat tickets from my work.

Yes, that is David Freese. I was close enough to see his tattoos too. :)

Now if you don't know what green seat tickets are, they come with access to the Cardinals Club, which includes an all you can eat buffet. I made the decision to eat what I wanted because I was celebrating. They had the best green beans I have ever tasted and a corn chowder that is still making my mouth water. I kept walking around telling the staff "thank you" and "this food is amazing" and they were all laughing at me. I guess that's not customary behavior for people who can afford those kinds of tickets.

The problem is, I was set loose at an all you can eat buffet. This is paradise for a food addict like me. I will spare you the play-by-play. Needless to say, it is a night that will go down healthy-living infamy.

I had the great pleasure to sit by a girlfriend from work and her husband. She happened to tell him about my weight loss and he looked at me and said, "No way. How'd you do it?" I like how she mentioned this as I was stuffing my face with chocolate ice cream. "Well, I didn't eat sugar....and..." I just felt stupid. I felt like a Christian caught cursing.

And just like that I'm derailed. There are always a million excuses for me to celebrate with food and only a handful of reasons not to. And fitting into my favorite skirt isn't very compelling when faced with handmade cannoli's. Even worse, I don't feel very guilty. If ever there was an occasion to celebrate with food, that was it.

What I will say is that I had more fun dancing and cheering and acting like a crazy person than I have in a long time. My son was embarrassed which means I did it right. My friend from work said the people in the Jones box thought her seatmate should settle down. It was simply, a wonderful time.

Because I am generally healthy I was able to do all of this without breaking a sweat. And I felt that while I was there. I never got out of breath from dancing too hard nor did I have to sit down because I was too tired. Granted there was a lot of adrenaline flowing, but it was fantastic nonetheless. And this is why I will never stop trying to stay healthy. I love how good it feels to dance and play and not be burdened with my weight. I have worked so long and so hard, and it was worth every tear, every missed snack and every painful workout to get to this place.

Tomorrow I am really looking forward to my walk. I may even jog a little. I get to tour Ferguson and enjoy the fresh air and sunshine. Tonight, I celebrate life. I am so happy to be alive and blessed beyond measure.

The Consequences of a Whim

Do you know that moment where you feel a whim coming on? It seems like a good idea so you take the first step. And then you think, hm, I don't know if that was wise but I'm one step in, I may as well take two. 50 steps later you gasp at the carnage but you can't go back. You're in it up to your chin. That, my friends, is how you accidently cut 8 inches off your hair.

It's not like I don't have practice being an idiot. I do this with food all the time. Raisins are my supreme downfall. At least with cookies I have the good sense to stop after I eat a couple because I know they are bad for me. But raisins? They are kind of healthy, so I generally keep eating until I consume the whole box. I am definitely challenged when it comes to impulse control.

Here’s the thing, I need to stop and be more intentional. I am a very busy person and generally rush from one thing to the next without a lot of thought. I am learning that I must stop and think before I make decisions. I just really wish I didn’t have to learn everything the hard way.

All of that to say, I really do try to learn from my mistakes. And I endeavor to make better choices. And with that said, here is my new "Margaret-do".

After all, a bad haircut isn't the end of the world.

Today is a good day. A beautiful day. And tomorrow, shoot, it's going to be even better.

Birthday of doom

Well, each day we wake up is a gift, right? Each day this side of the grave we should count our blessings. That's what I say. And then someone decides to kill me with cookie cake.

My husband was soooo good this year. I told him no cake and he listened. He loves me like that. And then there are my co-workers. They care about me and decide to lavish me with love via donuts and cookie cake. Well, I survived. My pants don't fit any more, but hey, that's why I saved my fat clothes, right? (It still feels wrong to complain about being fat when so many people in the world are starving.)

I actually had 4 days of birthday, which is fantastic. It is truly awesome to be loved. I got beautiful cards, including a prayer journal from a new friend at work. It really was a great week, which culminated in a so/so Mexican joint in Maryland Heights called Chihuahua's where my best pal Sheryl treated me to guacamole, super spicy salsa and...

Clapping and shouting whilst wearing a glitzy sombrero and hoping I wasn't contracting head lice. Sheryl says, "You only live once." Well, she's right.

And then there is my boss, who made me cry when he sent these...

All in all, life is good. And I was happy as a Junebug in, well, June. Until this morning when I climbed from my relaxing bath and decided to trim up the dead ends of my hair. Then my day went from great to dear-God-what-in-the-world-was-I-thinking quicker than you can say, "Did your head get stuck in the lawn mower?

to be continued...

Check Your Brain

Sometimes my youngest Beastlet(hereby referred to as B#3) gets stuck. Not physically stuck, but mentally stuck. He decides that he wants something and then proceeds to badger me about it until he gets it. The screaming matches are legendary in our house. I never win. He is one stubborn kiddo. This morning it was trains. B#3: "I want to take the trains to Grandma's house today." Me: "No." The giant Rubbermaid tub of trains weighs about 40 pounds and there is no way I’m lugging that to the car in heels. He began to wail and I knew he was building up to a tantrum of epic proportions. But rather than let him escalate I decided to try a new tactic that is proving most effective…distraction. If I can distract him for long enough, he forgets what he wanted and we move forward. I asked him a simple question that forced him outside his current train of thought and caused him to formulate a response. Do you know that after his long and complicated answer, he completely forgot about the trains? We left the house in peace. Mom wins this round: 1 point.

Lately I find myself taking fruitless mental trips. The bad thing about the brain is its vast capacity to wander. If not careful, it will take me someplace I really don't want to go. The wonderful thing about the brain is I control it. If I don't like where I'm going, I can redirect. This process takes practice and perseverance, but it works.

For example:

Thought process: My boss is going to Australia. My boss is so lucky. I wish I were going to Australia. Australia is a beautiful place. How come I can't afford to go to Australia? I wish I made a million dollars a year. It's not fair that I can't go there. Why can't I be rich like my boss? I hate my boss. He is stupid. I hate my job. I hate my life. Queue bitterness and depression for the rest of the day..

Now, if I recognize where my train of thought is going before I get to the red text above, I can redirect to the purple text below:

They have kangaroos in Australia. Kangaroos are scary. Bugs Bunny taught me they will pummel me with their ginormous feet. I don't want to go to Australia because I might get mauled by a kangaroo. Queue relief, nervous laughter and a jovial mood for the rest of the day.

See?

Today some idiot put a box of donuts outside my cube. On the very top was blueberry cake donut, my absolute favorite. I can put the donut of doom out of my mind for a while but every time I turn around, the thought of that sweet, fluffy, fat laden confection slaps me upside the head and says, "Pay attention, B*tch! I own you." So I can choose to go down path #1 and land in a sad, depressed state wherein I lament that there are skinny people in the world who can enjoy blueberry cake donuts and never gain a pound. And then there is me. I have gained 2 pounds just looking at the donut. Then I feel so bad about life that I have to eat the donut to make myself feel better OR, I can think about the sugary sweet grapes I'm going to eat instead and how fantastic I will feel after I eat them. Because if I ate that donut, I would get a sugar buzz for about 30 minutes and then crash into a pile of sludge and feel like I swallowed a rock for 2 hours. And then I would beat myself about the head for hours reminding myself how weak and pathetic I am. Ew!

The brain is an amazing organ. It controls so much of our bodies without us consciously telling it what to do. Imagine how challenging it would be to purposefully think about every breathe we took. And yet, we can hold our breath if we want to. So many times we don't try to step outside our "mental trip" to see we have other options. For obvious reasons, we get stuck in a rut. Why do they call it a rut? Because, Dummy, you've been over that ground a thousand times. Today, I encourage you to step off the beaten path and run through the green field to your right. There are daisies and deer and maybe even a creek with a frog in it. Now, you wouldn't want to miss that frog, would you?

I've Got the Power!

I heard about it before I saw it. How beautiful, moist and tantalizing it was. I knew I couldn't resist and yet I longed to see it. Still I resisted. After all, I hadn't been officially invited. So I tried to pretend it wasn't there, even though I heard it calling for me.

"Margaret? Margaret! I know I'm here. And you know I'm here. And I'm so sad and lonely, Margaret. Won't you come and visit me? I don't have that many calories and my icing is so blue and white and beautiful."

My friend came to my cube with a plate and gave a real voice to the cake who had been shouting my name ever since it arrived. "Margaret, did you know we have cake over there? You should get a piece. It is absolutely worth the calories." She smiled that sickeningly sweet way pregnant people smile because they have no guilt. Calories are not calories when your pregnant. I should know. So I ran--I swear--I actually ran around the corner fast smoke was billowing at my heels. I then saw the cake in its fully glory. It was love at first sight.

It didn't matter that I'd been 1 day without sugar. It didn't matter that I was finally starting to feel a modicum of control. Nothing would stop me from savoring every single morsel I could stuff into my face.

I heaped the cake onto a plate and scrapped off some extra icing for good measure. The best part of the cake is the icing, right? And I began the slow and careful walk back to my cube. Slow...because I didn't want to muss it. Careful, because my poor heart would have broken if I dropped it. But when I reach my space I felt a teeny, tiny twinge of guilt. Did I really want to eat the cake? YES! But really, Margaret? YES! Still, I couldn't do it. It was just so pretty. So I put it in a Tupperware container and tucked it gently into the freezer so I could take it home and eat it slowly....later....when no one would see me....it would be our little secret.

I texted my husband. "I have cake. I think I should eat it. Don't you?"

"No. You should save the cake for me."

"Maybe it will survive the ride home." I responded begrudgingly.

And it did. Somehow that perfect dessert made it home. And do you know that my husband actually got to eat it? And I didn't eat any?

I woke up the next morning and I felt like I was Queen of the world. I've got the power! I said to myself as I danced around the house. Somehow I survived the temptation. It was so empowering. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to resist a dessert. I felt so great about it I got my husband another piece the next day. And he was very happy. And so was I.

The moral of this story is, I love cake. But I love my body more. And even though it was really hard to deprive myself of that wonderfully sinful cake, I was so glad I did. Sometimes doing the right thing, though painful in the moment, is actually the most amazing feeling in the whole wide world. Really. You should try it sometime!

Family, Friends, and good Food

I love my family. I love my friends. I love to eat. Combine these three things and BLISS! My aunt(Mickey) and uncle(Mike) offered to let me pick green beans at an impromptu stop in the country on Sunday. They know I love green beans. Honestly, I think I could eat them every day and not complain. Because of their generosity I have free, fresh green beans all week. Steamed with butter, garlic and onions, they are heavenly.

My friend Sheryl inspired me to make salsa a few weeks ago. I cooked and canned a few pints and am slowly savoring my way through it. She also encouraged me to try guacamole. She said avocados are very good for the body. In my wildest dreams I would never have tried that weird, green fruit but I love my Sheryl and honestly, if she asked me to try fish heads, well, I would make a gallant try. I know she would never steer me wrong. So I made my first attempt at guacamole this week and Hooray! It was very yummy.

All of this to say, I continue to struggle with my eating. I want to eat too much too frequently. But I have resolved to try to eat healthier. And then my friends and family surround me with love and give me two of my favorite foods, of which I can pretty much eat what I want. Tonight for dinner I feasted on green beans and guacamole. And it seems like a strange combination but I love eat and they were very tasty. As I ate I thought about the people I love, who love me, and my heart was warm.

I was on "Mom strike" tonight because I needed to rest from my hectic life. Mom strike involved not making dinner for my family. They had to scrounge. And that was good for them. I made homemade bread for my husband(I have wholly converted him from store bought fluffy-no substance-pretends-to-be-bread) and I made guacamole. And I am happy.

Today was a long day, but significantly better than the days that preceded it. My boys are running around the house laughing and playing. No stress. No commotion. We have been just hanging out. Randy is telling me about the book he is reading, "Happy Happy Happy" by Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty fame. He has decided to be a duck hunter. Maybe I should go on Mom strike more often?

Tomorrow we see Switchfoot. We are SO excited. So I am heading to bed early with a few raisins as my sweet snack for the day. I ran this morning and did not hurt my hip. And, my husband is happy with the cake I brought him from work, that I was given and was somehow able to smuggle home without eating. Food, family, and friends makes for a happy happy happy Mom.

A Graceful Perspective

It was 5:45am and pitch black. I was 30 minutes into my bike ride and climbing the most difficult hill on my course when my bike started to wobble. I heard the flap-flap-flap that indicated my tire was flat. Nearly 5 miles from home and no spare inner tube on hand, I was forced to call my husband. He is not a morning person and is always fearful about bad things happening to me on the wild streets of North County. I knew I would never hear the end of it. Need I add I was frustrated and embarrassed? An older gentleman walked by and stared at me. "Flat tire, eh?" No, I just like standing on the side of the road in the dark holding a bicycle on Tuesday mornings. Catch you next week same time?

I endured the lecture on the drive home. I tried not to cry but did not succeed. At the time my biggest concern was that I didn't get my full workout in. My theory is, when in danger, pretend there is no danger. But as I fully processed the misfortunate chain of events I began to think about all of the terrible things that could have happened to me. Omitting the crimes that could have occurred to me at the hands of passersby, I thought about the hill I had just flown down before the tire went flat. If the tire had gone out 1 minute sooner, I could have lost control and been thrown into traffic. After the cycling accident I had last year, where I broke my front teeth, I probably never would have stepped foot on a bike again. That is if I lived through it.

Last summer I was riding at Creve Coeur Lake Park when a man, who was not paying attention, nearly crashed into me. I swerved off the path and caught myself before I crashed. He was not so lucky. He swerved and fell on the pavement. He was not wearing a helmet. He hit his head and broke his "good" hip. I held a rag on his head to stop the blood from gushing out of his cranium while we waited for the paramedics. I listened as he called his wife and learned he had recently endured a hip replacement. That is the kind of do-over no one wants to experience. We could not have been going more than 5 miles an hour. You can imagine what happens to someone who loses control while careening down a hill on a bike at 25 mph.

Still, I was really irritated about the flat. My husband was mad at me. My workout was ruined. I have to buy more inner tubes(I had recently replaced another flat). And that is IF my husband lets me ride my bike again. I sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the way to work(no calling in sick!) thinking about the long day ahead, all the while simmering until my pot was ready to boil. That was after wrestling with my youngest beastlet just to get him out the door to Grandma's. What a fantastic way to start the day.

I had two choices this morning. I could stomp into work, scowl at everyone and continue to simmer about my bad fortune or, I could embrace my blessings, be thankful I'm not in the hospital or the morgue and move on. I chose the latter. I gave my irritation to Jesus. I smiled at the people at work and I thanked God I was alive to tell this tale.

I opened my devotion book when I had a break at work. Joni Eareckson Tada wrote this for September 17: "Somebody's watching. When a young mother in her wheelchair perseveres through loneliness, when an elderly widow keeps leaning on Christ, when Christians in dark corners of the world hold on to God's grace, the entire spiritual world stands on tiptoe, wondering, 'How great their God must be to inspire such loyalty!' If you're alone, thinking no one cares, don't give up the battle. Remember, somebody is watching, somebody cares. And you might even hear the rustling of their wings."

We all choose how we respond to adversity. To be honest, I like to embrace the occasional bad mood. But peace comes when we let go of our anger and frustration and move forward.

Those who know me have heard me talk about a woman I worked with at The Fed. Her husband left her for another woman after 20+ years of marriage. She was resentful and bitter and lashed out at everyone who crossed her path. She always wore a look on her face that was reminiscent of someone who regularly sucked on lemons. I believe she had every right to be angry. But when anger festers, it can grow into a monster. I choose not to take that path. Any time I consider it, I think of her.

May God always grant me a grace-filled perspective. Even over trivial things like a flat tire.