The chorus says,
I am the war inside.
I am the battle line.
I am the rising tide.
I am the war I fight
The worst adversary I will ever face is myself. I know all my weaknesses. I know how to talk myself into and out of anything. I know the truth behind every lie, no matter how small. I know exactly how many steps come between success and failure. I know the point at which I break, and I face all of this before I even begin to deal with external stimuli.
I don't want to.
Sometimes one reaches a moment where they are faced with a task so inherently awful the war takes on a different hue. Everything I am in that moment screams to run as fast as I can to avoid coming into contact with the terribly horrible mundane task that seems utterly unimportant to everyone but my boss.
When I say I didn't want to do it, I mean to say I would rather light myself on fire and face the possibility of permanent scarring if only to gain an excuse to get out of it. The enormity of said task sent me spiraling through the black hole of my conscious mind as I contemplated all the real life ways to get out of it.
1) Feign illness. After all, just thinking about the task made my head ache and my stomach churn.
2) Make excuses. I am a busy girl. I really don't have the time. I just drop it down the priority list.
3) Tell the truth: I don't want to do it.
All of these choices are problematic. The first and second only delay the inevitable. The last subjects my position to instability. After all, if I tell my boss I don't want to do my job he might tell me he will find someone else to do it. And since I actually enjoy my paycheck it's not a wise move. What to do? How one responds to such a dilemma usually defines how one is perceived in the workplace. You see, there are underperformers and overachievers. So the question really is this, which one do I want to be?
As this realization hit me I became very frustrated and made the only choice that felt legitimate: I went to lunch.
Procrastination works for me. It gives me time to sort out my feelings. It may sound silly, but the truth is adults must do mundane tasks if they want to keep their jobs. And while most days I enjoy the freedom adulthood provides there is always the occasional moment wherein I am reminded that I am nothing more than an indentured servant. I serve the company I work for. In return for this service they pay me wages. I use these wages to put food on the table and do fun things like buying gas for a nice long trip to the country. Completing boring tasks makes that possible and therefore there really is only one choice, just do it and get it over with.
The problem this time was the particular task was giving me so much heartburn I actually began to contemplate quitting my job. Then despair set in. Hunting for a new job is such a pain and the new job would probably have mundane tasks too. And then I began to cry. I am such a baby.
As I made the slow trek to heat up my lunch I did the only thing that made sense, I began to pray. I don't pray because I'm particularly holy. I pray because honestly, I want God to swoop down from the heavens, and deliver me from whatever miserable circumstance I’m in. And yes, while He’s at it I’d like him to heap treasure chests full of gold at my feet. He is rich after all and being independently wealthy would solve a lot of my problems. It’s true, sometimes my prayers feel a lot like playing the God lottery. I’m always hoping to hit it big.
Today while begging for deliverance from the terrible task these words came to mind. "Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think"(Ephesians 3:20).
In that moment of comprehension, I was fully aware that God knows my need and is fully capable of meeting it. Not only that, he is able to do far more than I could even think to ask for. This realization felt like a big warm hug from my Heavenly Father. Rich people have financial security but don't always have peace. God provided something better to me in that moment than money, love.
After lunch I sat down and began work on the task. I won't lie, it was horrible. Three long dreadful hours of analyzing information and translating it into something legible. But God was with me in it and helped me do it to the best of my ability. You see, sometimes God knows what we really need is for him to cheer from the sidelines while we work out our salvation. That doesn't mean it's easy. But what child doesn't perform better with his parent watching. The child knows he has support. Sometimes our hope simply comes from knowing we are not alone.
I am the war inside. I am the battle line. I am the rising tide. I am the war I fight.
This scenario would play out much differently if I chose not to complete the task. I will be honest, a few years ago I would have begged out and made an excuse. But my journey to better health has taught me not to give up even when circumstances are miserable. I have something I didn't have before, personal accountability. I know that even when no one is watching, I am personally responsible for my behavior. In a society where everyone is obsessed with status, good looks, and success, who I am on the inside makes tremendous difference in not only my own life, but the lives of those around me. That is why the choices we make are important. We might think no one is watching, but everyone is watching. And even if they aren't, we know our actions have repercussions, if only for ourselves.
Who can’t relate to losing the will to continue down a difficult path? Everyone knows it takes discipline to reach a goal because there will inevitably come a point in time when you want to quit. In order to succeed you must take the necessary action even if it involves facing your worst fears. Sometimes your adversary is not even your worst fear; it is simply the mundane task that demands to be completed. Today I encourage those reading these words to face the difficult moment and choose to overcome it. It may be resisting a piece of chocolate cake when your body is screaming to be satiated with it. It may be choosing to forgive the cruel words carelessly tossed at you by someone you love. It may be deep sorrow or despair. Take courage in the knowledge that if you cry out to God he hears you. Even better, He will help you by meeting your need even if it is in a way you never expected.
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