Identity

For many years I didn't know who I was. Sure, I knew my name and general proclivities but I wasn't cognizant of my real identity. Every day my emotions led me around by the nose while I smiled or whimpered at their whim. One could say I was a bit of a trainwreck. And I didn't let people help me. I didn't want to acknowledge there was a problem.

I burned through several important relationships because every time something happened(bad or good) I would dump all of my feelings onto that person, using them as a sounding board and all around safety net. I would not only yack their ear off, I would then ask for their advice. I refused to make a decision about anything until I asked everyone I came into contact with what they thought I should do.

Even worse, I would then neglect their advice, do what I wanted to do and then apologize. I still have a habit of apologizing for anything and everything. Almost as if I'm apologizing for my existence. I have been so worried about what everyone thought of me that I didn't take the time to understand who I was. My identity was centered around what I thought people wanted me to be. Trying to please everyone and in essence pleasing no one.

Someone close to me hurt my feelings recently. They only said a few words but those choise words cut deep. The old song about sticks and stones breaking bones, but words would never hurt me is so untrue. I have been thinking about that person and what they said for a month now. Wondering why they said what they did and if they could possibly know how deep it went. As usual, I am too much of a coward to call them out on it. I'm worried I'll make it worse, to be frank, and that I should just forgive and move on. I could talk about forgiveness and reconciliation here and but that's not the topic of this blog. What I want to discuss here is loving myself and knowing who I am outside of what other people think of me. This person fundamentally attacked my lifestyle and in a very personal way. I think I know their motives, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

The point I want to make is this, I have determined that I no longer need to apologize for myself. Who I am is good. That is not to say I am perfect, but in general, I have honest intentions. I am living a healthy lifestyle. I am aware that I was once enslaved to food and have been set free. I have done much research on how food negatively impacts the lives of people I care deeply for. And in fact, I see that many people I care deeply for are hurting because they have many of the same struggles I have with food. I am also angry. I am angry at companies that make food addictive and promote ill health. I am angry at our culture when it promotes laziness, gluttony and greed. And I honestly want to change the world. I want to change it by speaking truth about the foods we consume and our attitudes about them. When I see an ad for mega stuff Oreo cookies, I want to tell people how many chemicals are in them in the hopes that educating that person will help set them free from eating a whole bag but not understanding why. It is not because I am trying to make that person feel bad about their food choices. To the contrary, I only want to help.

I look at it this way, if I were walking through the woods and came across a person who had fallen into a ditch and broken their ankle and couldn't get up, I would offer assistance. That person might tell me, "I don't need your help." Then I would walk on. If that person cried and said, "I do need help." I would do everything in my power to do just that.

My husband acuses me quite frequently of lecturing. Truth be told, I am frequently lecturing myself out of eating something I really want to eat but know it is bad for me. My oldest son and I were at Sam's on Sunday and I saw a 3.6 pound bag of Skittles. The package was bright red with rainbows on it. I love rainbows. They make me happy. I wanted to buy it and eat every single last Skittle. So I picked up the bag and showed it to my son and said, "How many calories do you think are in this bag?" He rolled his eyes. He knew what was coming. Another lecture. But this time, a nice older gentleman interrupted when he stopped and tried(in his strange senile way) to help me figure out how many calories were in the bag. He did not understand that I was lecturing myself out of buying them. It was actually rather comical. The thing is, I don't even know I'm doing it most of the time. It's just who I am now. I have devised all of these internal protection devices to save myself from the lies of the world that try to tempt me. And I want to throw this out there....I'm tired of apologizing for it.

I am that crazy health freak people complain about. I get it. I'm weird. But you know what? I've been weird since the third grade when they put me in the class for slow kids. And maybe even before that. I don't know how to be normal. I don't even know what normal is. My friends will attest to this. I am coming out of the closet to everyone else. I'm not going to apologize for being who I am any longer.

The thing is, I have been liberated from a lifetime of unhealthy living. I don't have it all figured out. I'm on the journey, learning every day how to care for my body. And I have so many foibles and a trillion regrets. But I'm doing my darnedest to make my life better one choice at a time. I honestly don't judge people on how they live their life(at least I try really hard not to). I've lived it. I have been the guy with the broken ankle refusing help. But today, I want to help other people get their lives on track. You might think I'm lecturing. I want to be forthright with you, I'm just being who I am. I know who I am and where I have been. I even know where I'm going. You may not agree with my lifestyle and I may not agree with yours, but I do promise one thing, to share with you what I've learned in an effort to help improve your quality of life. Do you know why? Because I care. I wouldn't tell you there is too much sodium in soda if I didn't think it was important. And, you might not care. I get it. If you don't want to hear it, just tell me and I'll shut up. But it you do...

Maybe

Just maybe

I can help you out of that ditch.