There are days when everything feels wrong. All my doubts about my abilities attack like a swarm of killer bees and sting the stuffing out of me. I want to crawl into the corner and wail. After all, my heart hurts and self pity is fun. Ask Eyeore.
But when I stop and face the truth, I realize no matter how I "feel" I need to face the truth without discounting said feelings. And the truth is, I am not a victim unless I allow myself to be.
I have moments where I replay in my head something stupid I did and can't take back. One of my big time regret moments was when I was in my early 20's. I was out in the country at my grandparents farm with my future husband and brother. We were trying to catch frogs by holding extremely still and waving little red flag with hooks in front of bullfrogs. My brother was a young teenager and was having immense fun antagonizing me. This went on for an hour or so and finally, I told him to get the bleep out of there and leave us alone. Which he did. Probably 30 minutes passed and I heard him calling to me from behind the grass where I couldn't see him. I was waving my little red flag in front of a particularly large bullfrog when my brother came careening out of the grass shouting "Margaret! Margaret!" And plop, the frog disappeared into the water.
I literally saw red. I was already frustrated with him and doggonit, it was time to tell him. Which I did. With one particularly colorful four letter word. And when I was done I heard a truck pull away and noticed that my grandma and several of my young cousins were with my brother and had all heard my tirade.
I was humiliated. And I've never really forgiven myself. My grandma didn't berate me or say anything mean. She only said, "Margaret, I'm dissapointed." I can still see her sad face and feel my brokenness. An apology can't take back the bad word or the sentiment behind it, even if it was directed at my goofy brother. But the guilt reaches out through the years and hurts my heart to this day.
We all do foolish things now and again but for some reason it is really difficult for me to let go of the guilt. I do this with food too. If I indulge in my favorite chocolate cake and then can't stop eating it, I will feel guilty for a week. There is some part of me that insists on doing penance for the wicked action. My guilt reflex is completely ridiculous but if there was a magnifying glass for my heart one would see the scars from the many times I have given myself 40 lashes plus one.
I was standing in the hall today dwelling on a more recent blunder when I realized I had better things to do than stand around feeling sorry for myself. First of all, if I spend time concentrating on my foolish behavior it takes away from my work. I was very busy today and literally did not have time to dwell on it.
So I stood up tall, clutched my laptop to my chest and took a deep breath. "No more!" I said. "I'm better than this. No more self pity. Time to pick up the pieces and move on." And then a coworker walked by and looked at me funny and I pretended they hadn't just heard me talking to myself.
Today if you feel guilty for something you did wrong, let it go. It does no good to hang onto it. Suck some fresh air into your lungs and let it all go while you exhale. You'll feel better. I promise.
Now I'm going to call my grandma and make sure I'm forgiven for inadvertantly cussing her out 17 years ago. Because whether I meant to or not, I know it hurt her heart and I've hung onto it for 17 years too long.
And thanks Sheryl. It's nice to be forgiven.
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