When Weakness trumps Resilience

Resilience is such a great word. When we say a person is resilient, it usually means we like them. We are drawn to people who triumph over adversity. Maybe it's because we hope some of that will rub off on us. But I would venture to guess that the person going through the actual act of working towards resilience is feeling the burn, so to speak. After all, the definition of resilience is, "the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress."

Stress. Now isn't that another fun word? It means, "physical force or pressure". So to be resilient, a person must be able to endure stress of some kind and not become a bitter hag. Have you ever met a bitter hag?

I have. And they're not pretty, no matter how attractive they are on the outside.

Emotional resilience and physical resilience can go hand in hand. We have all met people crippled in spirit and no matter how healthy they are, their brokenness affects every aspect of their life. I freely admit, it's easy to be broken. It's easy to lay on the floor, shattered in a million pieces. After all, picking up those broken pieces and trying to reassemble them looks a lot like hard work.

I have been recovering from sickness and I don't feel particularly resilient. There is a weakness in my body that persists even though the worst of the virus and residual infection are gone. While doing my strength training workout this morning, my muscles kept wobbling. I was sweating and just plain tired. All from a few little crunches I could normally do in my sleep. My body is tired from fighting illness and it has resulted in a much weakened Margaret. I'm tired and I don't like it. It feels a lot like when I first started working out….gross and stupid.

But it's not just physical. It's mental too. I find myself fighting through dark thoughts like these:

"I just don't care anymore."

"This is too hard."

"I'd rather eat ice cream."

"It's not fair that I have to work so hard to stay in shape while other people can eat whatever they want."

"I. Give. Up."

"I hate my body.

I fought my way through my workout this morning and finished it. It was really challenging. I shut down the negative thoughts as best I could and then I went to work. I stood on my shaky legs, with my fists balled up and said, "I am Margaret! This too shall pass."

And then I encountered a "bitter hag." A bitter hag is someone who can only see the negative. A bitter hag has a spirit that has been amputated. They retch all over the people they come into contact with, vomiting up garbage like cats cough up hairballs(only messier). And because this person is someone I am intimately acquainted with, this person focused all of their venom in that specific way that feels like someone carving out a piece of my heart. And all of those negative thoughts I felt I had conquered rushed into my ears and crushed me. Bitter hags are really good at crushing people. I advise that you avoid them at all costs. If you can.

Resilience is also "the ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change." Resilience means taking a mental shower after encountering bitter hags. But what if you can't escape such a person? What happens when they are your boss, your child, your best friend? Even more importantly, what if you love them?

We can't fundamentally change people. We can only change who we are in response to them. And if I let people goad me into becoming a bitter hag, everyone loses. But there is no denying, bitter hag-itis is contagious.

Josh Wilson has a song I really like. It inspires me not to give in to the dark thoughts that populate my mind.

"One million reasons why, you shouldn't even try. After all you're just one heart, a single candle in the dark. And there are shadows here, feeding on your fears, That you don't have what it takes - who are you to make a change? But oh, oh, don't underestimate the God you follow. Whatever you do, just don't look back. Oh somebody needs the light you have. Whatever you do, just don't lose heart. Keep on pushing back the dark, Keep on pushing back the dark."

Because that's what it really is…acting as a light that pushes back the dark. Darkness is oppressive. Darkness(like weakness) crushes people no matter how resilient they are. And that is my 103rd reason why I can't walk this road without Jesus. He picks up my broken pieces and puts me back together. So it's not really about me working so hard to be resilient, but instead, allowing God to change who I am in response to my personal weakness and the inevitable bitter hags I encounter in this life.

Tomorrow I'll get up and try again. And I realize some people might say I'm resilient because I haven't given up yet, but let me tell you something, life is still hard. Thank goodness for a God who hears my cries and has reached down from heaven to help me keep pushing back the darkness.