Hunger is such a simple thing, relatively speaking. The body runs out of fuel in the stomach and fires some neurons into the brain which signal other pesky organs to groan, namely the stomach which growls like and angry dog. I'm hungry because I began eliminating my bedtime snacks and cutting back on portion sizes. I do this every time I pack on extra pounds and force myself to begin working them off. Every time feels like the first time. It's painful and awful and frustrating. I don't much like to experience hunger.
Some people will say you need to eat when you're hungry but I have learned my body and the only way my body sheds pounds is to go without. Smaller portions=less food in=weight loss. Since I have such an efficient body I really don't need that much food. But my brain doesn't really understand that, even though I am constantly trying to make it listen.
I only say all of this to explain that eating less is a special kind of self-imposed torture for me. My natural state will consume vast quantities of food without batting an eye. And even though I have been waging war against my desire to eat I feel like I am constantly losing. The same way many people take Advil or Tylenol for pain, I take food.
This morning I lay in bed at stared at the red digital display on my alarm clock. 4:15am. 4:20am. 4:27am. And so on and so forth. Until I finally got mad, climbed out of bed and suited up. I walked through Ferguson with my SI belt(that enables me to walk without pain) and listened to Romans and prayed.
Which brings me to my point. Hunger induces a feeling of such discomfort that it drives me to cry out to God. It is the one thing I am completely unable it ignore and powerless to dismiss. It gnaws at my resolve and whispers to me to just give in. I believe that is why fasting can be a very powerful mechanism. It forces us to deal with our bodies in a very basic way. In my case it drives me to the brink of madness in such an acute way that I have to reach out for the only sanity I know, Jesus. And in those moments of helplessness and pain I find clarity. I learn who He is in the middle of the suffering and who I am in my relationship with Him. I ask for His help because I have had no luck facing my food issues alone. Food has never healed the pain in my life. My slavery to it is well documented. The freedom I find in renouncing food for a time, and meditating on the brokenness it induces leaves me in a state of empowerment I don't find any other way.
4:15am was only the beginning of a very long day, one I am eager to put an end to. But I take comfort in knowing I was aware of my life today. I experienced hunger, fatigue, wonder, self-realization and the peace that comes from mastering my body. Today I lived. I didn't just muddle through. I was intentional. I am proud of myself(and not just because I resisted cookies). I am proud for enduring when I could have given in to my food-lust. And THAT is amazing!
(and for those worried I'm starving myself--I'm not. I'm well within my calorie range for height and weight)
I hear ya! I put on 2 pounds over the past week or two. I woke up around 4am hungry, too, last night. And I thought of you as I heard the birds chirping that early! I imagined you were out there walking :-)
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